Loop

Have you ever felt like you are going in circles?  Walking around in a "loop" with no way out and yet, somehow not quite aware that you need to find your way out...almost like the point in time just before you wake up where you're not really dreaming, but you're not really awake either.

I feel like I'm there.  That point where I have gone and come back full circle, but was blissfully unaware of the path until I reached the starting point again where it suddenly looked very familiar.  I struggle with this perception because I want to feel like I am moving forward and yet, I feel as if I am doing anything but that.  How many posts can I count back to where I 'want' something that feels so far away....too many.  Truth is however, I am here today and I know there has been progression, and still, it all feels so familiar.

I don't know where to begin, I don't know where to go, I don't know which direction is which ... I am simply maintaining the status quo.  Day by day, moment by moment, issue by issue....good god, it feels awful to feel so very 'reactive' instead of 'proactive.'  I can't quite get a handle on it all in order to get ahead of the power curve.  Everything has changed - nothing feels the same and yet it is still wrapped in the same outer covering.

I knew things would change, I knew it would have to be different.  I knew I would find my limits and yet, I am here still pushing, pushing, fighting to keep from letting it all fall apart. In my heart I know, it will not fall apart...it will fall - yes, but it will hold enough together to manage...I just can't seem to let go because I still have hope that somehow we can keep it all together, as is and yet different than it was before.

8 people began a journey and then there were 7 who felt the strain.
One by one it was reduced and with it the knowledge, the expertise, the skill was removed until there were 4.
Four hold the ropes while we learn to include new ones and slowly it grows again.
1, 2, 3 the help appears all knowing that 4 original are moving on...passing the torch.
How do we keep it together when the threads seem to be unraveling..............

Back to Basics

When I started blogging 4 years ago, that home was my outlet. I didn't do it for comments. I didn't do it for visitors, I didn't pay attention to site hits. I didn't publicize to my friends and family what I did and I did not give the world proof that it was Me and not just someone who resembled me.

What I did however was speak honestly and from the heart. I talked about what bothered me and while I didn't name drop, everything I wrote then was real and raw. That site is now closed.

A year ago, I decided to move homes and thus began CafeKel, my home where no longer was I struggling with fear of what the future was going to hold, but instead I decided to publicly 'find' myself. Accepting the past for what is was and deciding to go forward and change the things about me I didn't like and improve the things about me that I did like.

I started reading the 'big' name bloggers, I started looking at hit counts and visitors and I wanted comments. Seriously, how else am I supposed to improve me without outside input? All the things "Blogger Success" internet searches brought up became my mantra. Random erratic posting stopped. I ventured outside my comfort zone and began commenting. I put a face to my name and I told friends and family.

In the beginning, I still wrote what I thought, with more structure and more thought, but as more people found out what I did the more I wrote words that were not published. The more my statistics showed my neighbors visiting the more I ventured from 'raw' me into comical anticdotes my children provided. Don't get me wrong, everything I wrote was me, but sometimes it was a bland, diluted version of me.

Even with the less 'in your face' kind of posts, I managed to find my words thrown in my face from someone I had let get close and it hurt. Everything going forward became calculated and MY voice became muted where the things I said were merely actions in a play unfolding around me, until I found myself viewing the daily task of posting as merely an unrewarding chore. I questioned why I did this, who really cared if I did it or not and if perhaps, with life taking the turns it has, if my family wouldn't be better off if I stopped.

In the end....

I enjoy writing. I enjoy the friendships I've made. I look forward to the give and take, the difference of opinions and the amazing, unconditional human spirit I've seen unfold when 'one of us' is in need.

What I don't like is how much I've let myself be silenced for fear of how it would be used against me in the future. Fear - letting myself be dictated by it ... again. Fear - letting it take away the pleasure in the little things.

So....Something's gotta give. I'm making some changes and while I would never intentionally want to hurt someone, sensoring myself out of 'fear' is not where I want to go with this blog....its time to get back to my roots.

Don't Commit me just yet...

When you least expect it, the unexpected happens and everything changes...

It felt like I was locked in a room (no not a padded one) in which I had nothing but four blank walls and a box of crayons. The door was locked and there were no windows, just a harsh light overhead. Me, being me...I would HATE to be locked in a room, despite the fact that I was given free reign to 'decorate' as I chose (hence the box of crayons and the note saying 'explore your artistic side.')

Instead of following the directions, I decided to twist the nob and yank and pull and push and scream at the top of my lungs - "LET ME OUT!!" The door did not budge. I beat on the walls with my bare hands, I kicked it till my feet hurt and when all else failed, I decided I should also bang my head against the walls(as if it would somehow magically make the difference.) All of it was futile and in the end, when my energy was exhausted, my voice hoarse from the screaming, my tears all run out, I picked up the box of crayons and drew a world full of vibrant colors and life.

Then something happened...

Just like that, the door unlocked and opened just a bit, not so I could run screaming "I AM FREE," but just a crack so that I know I can leave when I am ready. As I reached for the knob, intending to open that door and chew @ss of whom ever locked me in there in the first place, I hesitated...was it really so bad? Being in this place...was it so terrible after all?

I stood and looked around and the lines on the walls told a different story. It wasn't sad and dreary, it wasn't dark and gloomy, it was life. All around me in reds and blues and yellows and greens - life had taken shape and while I'm no Michaelangelo (I am more like a kindergarten kid who still colors outside the lines) I smiled because I had learned that sometimes I have to stop fighting the process and enjoy the creativity of life. Everything comes in stages and while we might not like the one we are currently in, if we look hard enough, we might just find our own 'box of crayons' to color with while we wait.

What are you going to do with YOUR box of crayons this weekend?

Got Faith?

Do you have Faith?

Faith is defined as:

1.	confidence or trust in a person or thing

2.	belief that is not based on proof

For many it is a belief in God or a Higher Being, I am not getting into the religious debate so for the purpose of this post, I am going to simply leave it at the definitions above.

I have faith. Faith that there is a bigger purpose for me than I am aware, faith that I am not alone in this world, faith that everything has a reason-even if unknown to me. I have always had faith, but I have not always held onto these beliefs as strongly as I do now.

Yesterday, I got the phone call I had known all along would come, the one I was preparing for and yet, secretly hoping I could escape, and you know what? Despite the fact that I had plenty of fair warning-it made my chest tighten up as I sucked in air like someone had just sucker punched me in the gut.

I sat there, listening to the person on the other end with a smile plastered on my face so no one around me would know and spoke with a more "up beat" chirp in my voice than necessary to try and mask my immensely growing fear. Doubtful that I succeeded, but then again perhaps no one knew.

Knowing it is coming does not make it easier.

The day I proclaim to the world that I have decided to seek my "passion," the day I take my stand against the great unknown and just like that, it laughs in my face and brings me right back down to earth, only this time a few inches smaller than I was when I started.

On the surface, everything is clearly defined, explanations and logic fall neatly into place. I could easily tie a pretty bow on this package and put it on the shelf with all the others, but in my heart I know there is something I am meant to understand that is just below the surface, something I can't quite see yet. I've talked about change a few months ago, at which time I had nothing to go on but a feeling. A few months prior to that I asked you all "If you would want to know what lies ahead?" Not because I knew what was ahead, but because I felt something. Even this morning as I sorted thru emails, one small quote at the end of a friends note caught my eye -

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk."

So what am I trying to say?

Yesterday sucked, to put it bluntly and for today I'm holding onto faith that there is a bigger picture, that I cannot see or understand yet, but there is something in store much greater than the fear I currently harbor. Fear is my greatest weakness and I am doing my damndest to over come this right now, not really sure how, but knowing that while things could be so much worse, this is not a problem I am facing so much as an opportunity waiting to be seized.

Have you seized your opportunity today?

What do you think?

Ok, it's up and functional again...

What do you think?

Changing

There are a few changes here at CafeKel, please bear with me as I get it put back together. I ran into a tiny snafu this weekend ... Sorry!