Loop

Have you ever felt like you are going in circles?  Walking around in a "loop" with no way out and yet, somehow not quite aware that you need to find your way out...almost like the point in time just before you wake up where you're not really dreaming, but you're not really awake either.

I feel like I'm there.  That point where I have gone and come back full circle, but was blissfully unaware of the path until I reached the starting point again where it suddenly looked very familiar.  I struggle with this perception because I want to feel like I am moving forward and yet, I feel as if I am doing anything but that.  How many posts can I count back to where I 'want' something that feels so far away....too many.  Truth is however, I am here today and I know there has been progression, and still, it all feels so familiar.

I don't know where to begin, I don't know where to go, I don't know which direction is which ... I am simply maintaining the status quo.  Day by day, moment by moment, issue by issue....good god, it feels awful to feel so very 'reactive' instead of 'proactive.'  I can't quite get a handle on it all in order to get ahead of the power curve.  Everything has changed - nothing feels the same and yet it is still wrapped in the same outer covering.

I knew things would change, I knew it would have to be different.  I knew I would find my limits and yet, I am here still pushing, pushing, fighting to keep from letting it all fall apart. In my heart I know, it will not fall apart...it will fall - yes, but it will hold enough together to manage...I just can't seem to let go because I still have hope that somehow we can keep it all together, as is and yet different than it was before.

8 people began a journey and then there were 7 who felt the strain.
One by one it was reduced and with it the knowledge, the expertise, the skill was removed until there were 4.
Four hold the ropes while we learn to include new ones and slowly it grows again.
1, 2, 3 the help appears all knowing that 4 original are moving on...passing the torch.
How do we keep it together when the threads seem to be unraveling..............

Risk Aversion?

A few weeks ago I wrote this post to which I pondered a question, not because of where it originated, not because of who was involved in the original conversation, but because it struck a chord with me.

For the past week or so, the statement has been made regarding my 'risk aversion' - not as someone who has known me long, not as someone who has ever faced a 'risky' situation with me, but merely as an observation from someone who has conversations with me at work. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly the statement of 'your not a risk taker' have come up in conversation and each time I pause briefly and wonder..."Who me? Not me. I take plenty of risks."

The truth is however, if I think long and hard about it, I do not have a history of taking risks. Oh I've done some really stupid things, I've gone out on a ledge at times, I've even done something without having a backup plan...but a risk...no, there is not much I can think of that I have actually done with out contemplating and calculating the risk involved. If the odds don't fall in my favor, then its a fairly sure bet I won't be involved.

I don't like to lose.

I don't like to not be in control.

I don't like 'fly by the seat of my pants' and hope I come out on top.

So if I know this about myself, then why do I take it so personally when someone says 'you're not a risk taker?' Perhaps its because I want to be, a risk taker that is. Perhaps I want to prove everyone wrong. Perhaps I want to seem unpredictable and fun and carefree. I know myself, even if I try to deny myself, but accepting it is another story entirely.

There is nothing wrong with playing it safe, nothing wrong with taking calculated risks, but for me...it seems kind of old. It reminds me of being an adult, being grown up, being responsible, being OLD! I do not like to think of myself as OLD - seriously, who does?? Age, it's just a number but age has nothing to do with adulthood or growing OLD and I feel grown, I feel stable and I feel like I'm responsible for much more than my piece of this spinning rock.

Oh I know, I could be much worse off and I'm sure I'm stressing over nothing but you know, even when I visit the casino I only play the most common numbers in craps and only after I've watched the table make a few rounds...I mean, seriously, who jumps in and starts betting without getting a feel for how hot or cold the table is???

Do you wish there were things about your personality you could change?

Fear is....

Fear is...
...being told, at 20 weeks pregnant, that you are in premature labor, you are bleeding and there is nothing more the doctors can do for you except pray.

Fear is...
...letting your 9month old child go as you get on a plane, headed to a war somewhere far away knowing this could very well be the last time you ever get to see her or hold her again.

Fear is...
...working for just enough to cover the daycare expenses and other necessities of raising a toddler and wondering if you will ever be able to provide you child the type of life they deserve.

Fear is...
...packing what little you can into the truck of your car, along with your cat and daughter and joining the hundreds of other motorist in a last ditch effort to out run one of the most devestating hurricanes to hit the US. All the while knowing you may have nothing left to return to and you were barely holding on to begin with.

Fear is...
...watching your child be hurt by the actions of others, careless, thoughtless, apathetic adults who have no sense of compassion and being powerless to do anything to prevent the pain that results.

Fear is NOT...
...checking on your child at 10:30pm and realizing she is not in her bed. (Not unsual as I find my child with make shift beds elsewhere all the time)

...not being able to find said child after searching all the usual places she ends up after deciding she does not want to sleep in her bed.

...searching for your child for 20 minutes, turning every light on in the house and shouting her name because the house alarm has been on since you tucked said child into bed and no doors have been opened.

Fear in NOT...
...Finding said child comfortably asleep under her sisters crib, neatly hidden by her sisters crib skirt, curled snuggly up with a blanket....

...That my dear friends is....
PANIC and the utter self restraint to not hug said child until their eyes bulge from their head in an effort to throttle them because you were seconds from having a heartattack!


*****edit******
On a side note, I wonder if perhaps said child did not think this was some clever way to get her mamma on a slightly early April Fools joke??? ;)

What is YOUR best/worst April Fools joke memory??

Back to Basics

When I started blogging 4 years ago, that home was my outlet. I didn't do it for comments. I didn't do it for visitors, I didn't pay attention to site hits. I didn't publicize to my friends and family what I did and I did not give the world proof that it was Me and not just someone who resembled me.

What I did however was speak honestly and from the heart. I talked about what bothered me and while I didn't name drop, everything I wrote then was real and raw. That site is now closed.

A year ago, I decided to move homes and thus began CafeKel, my home where no longer was I struggling with fear of what the future was going to hold, but instead I decided to publicly 'find' myself. Accepting the past for what is was and deciding to go forward and change the things about me I didn't like and improve the things about me that I did like.

I started reading the 'big' name bloggers, I started looking at hit counts and visitors and I wanted comments. Seriously, how else am I supposed to improve me without outside input? All the things "Blogger Success" internet searches brought up became my mantra. Random erratic posting stopped. I ventured outside my comfort zone and began commenting. I put a face to my name and I told friends and family.

In the beginning, I still wrote what I thought, with more structure and more thought, but as more people found out what I did the more I wrote words that were not published. The more my statistics showed my neighbors visiting the more I ventured from 'raw' me into comical anticdotes my children provided. Don't get me wrong, everything I wrote was me, but sometimes it was a bland, diluted version of me.

Even with the less 'in your face' kind of posts, I managed to find my words thrown in my face from someone I had let get close and it hurt. Everything going forward became calculated and MY voice became muted where the things I said were merely actions in a play unfolding around me, until I found myself viewing the daily task of posting as merely an unrewarding chore. I questioned why I did this, who really cared if I did it or not and if perhaps, with life taking the turns it has, if my family wouldn't be better off if I stopped.

In the end....

I enjoy writing. I enjoy the friendships I've made. I look forward to the give and take, the difference of opinions and the amazing, unconditional human spirit I've seen unfold when 'one of us' is in need.

What I don't like is how much I've let myself be silenced for fear of how it would be used against me in the future. Fear - letting myself be dictated by it ... again. Fear - letting it take away the pleasure in the little things.

So....Something's gotta give. I'm making some changes and while I would never intentionally want to hurt someone, sensoring myself out of 'fear' is not where I want to go with this blog....its time to get back to my roots.

Standing...

Standing still....it's what I've been doing in one aspect of my life.

Simply standing in one solitary location, waiting to be given a reason to move, waiting to be asked to participate with everyone else, waiting for the music to move me, to find my groove and yet...all I've done is stand and wait.

There has been so much of myself called into question lately that I could no longer stand here and wait. I could no longer just be 'a fixture' in the room...instead I had to become a participant in the action. I had to make choices I've avoided, I had to face certain truths I would rather be oblivious too and I instead of standing, I had to take a stand of my own.

And so I have - now please excuse me while I go vomit up my dinner.

I am a fence sitter by nature. I watch and I sway with the way the wind blows me never making a definitive choice because in truth, rarely do I see it as one is better or worse than the other - they are both unique and different and to deny one would be to deny all that comes with it. It is not something I can easily do - however, push me into a corner, trap me in the middle of a battle, invade my comfort zone and I will no doubt stake my claim and fight to the death.

Lucky for me...this side is rare. But now, events have been placed in motion that make me sick. Events that I hoped would never come and yet here they are. Moments that I believed if addressed with tact and care could be avoided have proven as easy to navigate as a minefield in the dark.

I do not have a compass, I do not have a map...I take it one step at a time. Today I do not know the outcome and despite my thoughts I cannot put them here. However if anyone has any Night Vision Goggles (NVG) or metal detectors or a shield protected bubble suit they could let me borrow I would be grateful. I'm even up for a trade if you are looking for something yourself... :)

How have you learned to navigate that which is called LIFE?

Helpless

I feel SMALL.

I feel VERY tiny.

I feel HELPLESS.

POWERLESS to do anything to get results.

I'm stuck between wanting to put on my tall 'Mom Boots,' step all in their crap and demand answers until I get what I want (even though I am NOT their mother)

&

Wanting to be patient, understanding, be their 'friend' and just wait until the time comes when I am needed.

I feel LOST.

I feel like I'm waiting for the phone to ring (as soon as I let my guard down) and someone is going to tell me "I'm sorry to tell you this, but..."

I fear this the MOST.

Even though I know this happens, it is life - we are born and we die - I am not ready to lose someone close to me and yet, I cannot get it out of my head.

When asked, "Do you think they would give up?" I am mostly afraid - they already have.

Don't let today pass you by...

Got Faith?

Do you have Faith?

Faith is defined as:

1.	confidence or trust in a person or thing

2.	belief that is not based on proof

For many it is a belief in God or a Higher Being, I am not getting into the religious debate so for the purpose of this post, I am going to simply leave it at the definitions above.

I have faith. Faith that there is a bigger purpose for me than I am aware, faith that I am not alone in this world, faith that everything has a reason-even if unknown to me. I have always had faith, but I have not always held onto these beliefs as strongly as I do now.

Yesterday, I got the phone call I had known all along would come, the one I was preparing for and yet, secretly hoping I could escape, and you know what? Despite the fact that I had plenty of fair warning-it made my chest tighten up as I sucked in air like someone had just sucker punched me in the gut.

I sat there, listening to the person on the other end with a smile plastered on my face so no one around me would know and spoke with a more "up beat" chirp in my voice than necessary to try and mask my immensely growing fear. Doubtful that I succeeded, but then again perhaps no one knew.

Knowing it is coming does not make it easier.

The day I proclaim to the world that I have decided to seek my "passion," the day I take my stand against the great unknown and just like that, it laughs in my face and brings me right back down to earth, only this time a few inches smaller than I was when I started.

On the surface, everything is clearly defined, explanations and logic fall neatly into place. I could easily tie a pretty bow on this package and put it on the shelf with all the others, but in my heart I know there is something I am meant to understand that is just below the surface, something I can't quite see yet. I've talked about change a few months ago, at which time I had nothing to go on but a feeling. A few months prior to that I asked you all "If you would want to know what lies ahead?" Not because I knew what was ahead, but because I felt something. Even this morning as I sorted thru emails, one small quote at the end of a friends note caught my eye -

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk."

So what am I trying to say?

Yesterday sucked, to put it bluntly and for today I'm holding onto faith that there is a bigger picture, that I cannot see or understand yet, but there is something in store much greater than the fear I currently harbor. Fear is my greatest weakness and I am doing my damndest to over come this right now, not really sure how, but knowing that while things could be so much worse, this is not a problem I am facing so much as an opportunity waiting to be seized.

Have you seized your opportunity today?

Intruder Alert

The other day, while I was at work, I received a phone call -

Mrs. Kel, we've received a signal that your house alarm is going off, would you like for us to call the police?

I rushed home that day, fear and anger cursing through my veins. How dare someone choose to violate our house, our stuff -intrude without being invited. I was mad, but not because our 'things' might be gone, but because the thought of irreplaceable things, like our photos(on my computer) or little token mementos the hub has given me might forever be lost.

In that space, fueled by my own blinding rage I ripped open the door to my house and proceeded to inspect each room like a mad woman. I'm not sure what I thought I would find or even if I'd really thought thru what I would do if I did find someone (perhaps threaten them with my cell phone) but I did not find anyone and everything looked just as it did when we left that morning.

That morning I lost a little innocence, my false sense of safety and yet I gained an insight into a part of me I had never seen before.

I've worked hard for what I have today. The hub and I have worked together to build a comfortable life for our family and while there are things I would be sad to see gone, material things that can be replaced, I know that my families safety is what matters most. In that brief moment, knowing my family was safe despite everything else that might have taken place was what mattered.

And well...now I know my weapon of choice if ever caught off guard is most likely my cell phone!

Do you remember your first thought in a panic?

26.2 Lessons

I've planned this post for many months. I've spent countless hours rehearsing what I would say, imagining the profound marathon wisdom I would have to share with each and every one of you. At some point in my training, near the end - after a few REALLY long runs, I even imagined I would have some sort of humorous story with how all the pain and cold mornings were really worth every ounce of energy I put into it.

But, as I sit here everything that I imagined I would say falls flat.

I started this journey with an idea over 2 years ago and 1 year ago I put this idea into motion. I had no real idea what it would take to bring this tiny little dream to life, but I never thought it would be tough.

Running is not hard. You put one foot in front of the other until you find the end. Sometimes the end is just around the corner and sometimes the end is up a very steep hill, either way it's only a matter of continuing to move in a forward direction.

I made a plan, established where my weaknesses were and found a way to combat them with support, support I am so grateful to have had. I determined my goals and set out with every intention of fulfilling them, never doubting that I wouldn't. In the end I ran a race that consisted of 26.2 miles that eventually led to a finish line. I could give you a mile by mile recount of the miserable cold (hello 39 degrees), the St. Jude Children's faces (both living and not), the support from people running or just cheering us on, and even a finishing time that is no where near where I had originally planned on crossing the finish line at (yes, I completely overestimated my time,) but what I came to realize during that final run was much more that I ever thought possible.

On this journey, that seemed so grand - almost like 'who am I to dream the impossible' I learned that it is not impossible at all. Dreams are meant to be far reaching, to push the limits of what we know, to force us to stretch beyond what's comfortable. Dreams are not what break us, as I originally thought from the loss of a few of my own, but instead dreams are what help push us to be better than we are today.

A marathon is not about speed so much as it is endurance and for me, it was about the will to keep going when everything about that moment told me I wanted to quit. Life is like this sometimes. You see, we can train and prepare and plan for what we think lies ahead, but the truth is we don't really know what that moment will be like until we face it. In life we build off our past experiences in an attempt to repeat what went right and to learn from what went wrong. We all face a moment where we question what we believe or where we must decide to look ahead and let go of the past when all we know is the past we've held onto for so long. There are moments when the sun is shining and the band is playing and we think 'life doesn't get much better than this' only to find when we turn the corner at the next mile, we are alone in a cold wind fighting our way uphill. Its those moments when we must choose to continue to keep moving forward or we might never find our way to the end.

This past Saturday I found my end. I felt the spirit of love and hope for what 14000 people were committed to doing on that morning, I felt the pain and fear of defeat as I faced mile after mile mentally ready to throw in the towel and I felt the exhilaration that comes with crossing under the archway of balloons, greeted by the ones I love and knowing that I did it.

I started this journey as one woman only to find the woman I ended as, is so much more than I could've hoped for.

A change is coming...

Do you ever wonder if people are really your friend?

I do.

I have these days, where I feel like my friends are not really my friends at all - more like I'm in a fish bowl and they are all staring at me thru the glass. It's like I can see them but yet I can't really hear them and if I move one way or another it distorts them into funny shapes. I guess I feel kind of like everyone is watching me, waiting for me to goof up.

I've had many friends lately that I just can't read. We get together and one minute things seem great and then it seems like I've offended them and then the next life is great again. I've had long time friends seem to drift away and all I can do is wonder what caused this drift?

Truth be told, I am at this point in my life where I have way more questions than answers. There was a brief time a while back, I was seeking the answers to these questions and thought, maybe I'd found them. (That is a post for another time) Did it provide answers - not really, perhaps some clarifications on my part, but no real concrete answers.

Something is changing...it's in the air, I feel it in my bones. I don't know what it is, but I sense it all around and while part of me is excited at the prospect, part of me is scared of letting go. I'm not even sure what I'm letting go of yet, but I know I'm not ready to give it up.

I know this all sounds strange and cryptic - it's just how I feel.

Have you ever had a gut feeling? Was it right or was it wrong?

Spiders - Oh My!

There are many days where little Miss follows DQ around the house or (more often) DQ drags Little Miss from one room to another so she can 'play' with her. Sunday was no different - the girls are busy moving from room to room and the hub and I are putting up the laundry, they are chitter chattering away when out of the blue we here this....

DQ - "OMG, there's a spider!"

Little Miss is crawling around DQ's room. (and yes, DQ has taken to calling her sister 'girl' like that is her name)

DQ - "Girl, there's a spider... I don't like spiders, oh, someone needs to kill it."

I'm about right across the hall and think I should probably go check this out, if Little Miss gets to it she will probably try and eat it...it's probably outside the window so I'll just hang up this shirt before I go in there. (insert bad parenting skills here)

DQ - "Oh, get it girl...I don't like it...Kill it - Kill the spider girl!"

It's about this time that I think yeah, I should probably go check the situation out, so I walk the 15 feet or so to DQ's room where I find her crouched in a corner and Little Miss looking at her like she's lost her mind, do a quick scan of the room (thinking for sure I will spot the spider and say -

Me - "Where is the spider? I don't see a spider."

DQ - "Yeah mom, it's right there!" pointing frantically at her bedspread.

Me - "Um, where I don't see it."

DQ - inches ever so close and says "See, mom...RIGHT THERE!"

Oh, I can see this tiny spec of something no bigger than this period . - that's a spider?

I smush it and go back to my room to resume putting up the laundry. As I walk in the hub says to me -

Hub - "Good thing Little Miss was in there to save DQ - she's only 9 months old and already has mastered the art of trapping and killing spiders by eating them!"

What's the worst thing you can remember getting your siblings to do? Do your children do this to their siblings?

Believe in Good or the Power of Evil?

Have you ever seen the movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman?" There's a scene in the movie where this woman is taking care of her ex-husband, a man who has been nothing short of cruel to her the entire time and in this one scene he falls into the tub, he's cold and shivering and asking her to help him get out to which she does nothing. She just sits there with him and makes him wait.

At that moment, the tables have turned and she has the power to return every ounce of crap this guy pushed on her over time. All the anger she felt can be exacted in that moment in the movie - even though it is typically out of character for the woman being played in the movie.

That is today.

One minute life is speeding along and the next you realize you have the power to affect something on a much larger scale than you ever imagined. With a single action, you - an individual, could put into motion a series of events that could have long lasting repercussions and yet, none of this is in your nature...or is it?

What is our nature?

Do these moments of human kindness define us as people or is the constant barrage of murder, pain and chaos a testament to our true nature? Personally, I like to believe we are good and the exception to the rule is evil. I am typically not a vindictive or hurtful person, however I have been known to lash out if provoked far enough.

Realizing today, that I hold that capability - the ability to affect someone else in a major way, especially if I think you've done me wrong - is intoxicating and tempting, but my belief in Karma/a higher being/god(whatever you want to call it) is stronger...and right now it's the only thing that separates me from those without a conscious.

Have you ever been faced with a choice and you could do what was in your nature or you could do what was totally out of character? Which did you choose?

Facing The 26.2 Dragon

Every so often I mention the St. Jude Marathon I am going to run on December 6. (notice I said "GOING TO RUN" - positive affirmations)For the past 6 months or so I've been running in an effort to build up mileage and strength so that I can complete the 26.2 mile race without injury. In this process I have gotten a trainer to help with the preparation for the race because I have never done this before. Yesterday - he finally sent out the specific training schedules for the race and I have to admit that I was a little shocked and then a little frightened by what I received.

For some of you, the mere idea of ever running 26.2 miles for FUN - is delusional. I too used to be of this mindset. I usually joke my kids drove me to this point, but the truth is I enjoy running (most days.) When I first started training (8 weeks after my daughter was born) Walking 2 miles was hard, running 4 miles seemed difficult and 26.2 that was beyond psychotic at the time. Eventually, 2 miles turned into 4 which has turned into 10 and sometimes 12 miles. Running 6 is an easy thing now.

What's the problem?

Well, when I was reviewing the training schedule I noticed the 20 & 24 mile runs on there over the next few months and honestly, those numbers seem, well...a little frightening. I've been saying these numbers for a while now - telling myself "sure, whats a few more miles than what you've already been doing." Truth is, seeing them in black and white is a whole new ball game. Regardless of what I thought before, they seem to be looming ahead in all their massive glory.

I'm sure, much of it is still in my head and once I face this dragon it will seem much smaller than I imagined...it's just the getting there that is the hard part.

Have you ever wanted to do something only to find when you are facing it head on, it's more frightening than you imagined?

Uncertainty

Recently I had a conversation and the topic of what we want came up. That however is a broad topic and can encompass what I want to accomplish for today, big projects for this week or month or even long term goals, so just to say I want this... would not necessarily make it happen.

For anyone who reads this blog or knows me, is aware that I've been looking at my life in terms of 'what I want' from it for a while now. Many times I've felt frustrated because I know people who seem to know just want they want out of life, they seem so focused and know just how to go about getting it. I, on the other hand, look out my window and see a vast and open world full of possibilities and just don't know. The options seem limitless and appealing, but I want to know what is the right path for me, I want to know what is going to work and how to get there - I DO NOT want to wander around trying this and that only find out I am no good (translate=have failed) and need to start over. This is not to say I am not happy for the people I know who have 'found' their path, because I am, I just wish MY time would come. I wish they would impart on me the secret to their enlightenment, I just wish I had the answers for myself.

Recently I mentioned that I had started reading Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth and had taken it on my vacation to re-read some sections. One that caught my attention (previously overlooked) is a section that discusses change.

"Some changes may look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge."

I had never thought of it like this, but it makes sense to me. My problem with this statement is not the change itself, but the negative look of change. I have struggled with the idea of failure for a very long time. So long, in fact, that I do not remember when it started or even why it is/was such a big deal to me in the first place. I've often been heard saying 'failure is not an option' and been proud to admit that "if I thought there was a chance I would fail...I would rather not attempt the challenge at all." Never once has it occurred to me this logic is faulty, but just a few days ago I saw the gigantic flaw that was smack in the middle and can no longer overlook this.

"When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change."

I read this and the light was turned on.

I have thought that because I was willing to do things other thought 'scary' or 'unconventional' I was a risk taker, but the truth is I saw the outcome as positive and never had any doubt I wouldn't succeed at the task. This does not however, open me up to change or the possibilities that come with change. Uncertainty is my fear - my paralyzing fear that has stopped me dead in my tracks many times before.

Being aware does not make it disappear into the night, it does however make it less easy to over look when that is my sole reason for not giving an option a try.

Has uncertainty negatively impacted your decisions before?