Endings and Beginnings

Friday, December 30...last work day of the year and one more regular day before we say goodbye to this year for good.  Whew........

For as fast as this year has flown by, there have been moments of time ticking by painfully slow.  When I started the year, I made a resolution to 'feel' something because I felt so detached from everything and emotionally numb.  I wasn't sure what that journey would entail, but at the time it was what I wanted most in my life.  Now that the year is past I can honestly say that I succeeded, but as is life...with the joys come the sorrows and I felt both. 

I'd like to think that somehow I mistakenly chosen the wrong 'personal goal' and somehow fate had determined mine should have been 'change,' but I believe now that change in an unhappy (but necessary) requirement when it comes to breaking out of the emotional box I had been protecting myself with.  Change, oddly enough, was the consistent part of my life over the last 12 months as I experienced loss of a friend, hope that things would be different better, fear that somehow they were very stagnate instead, sadness as I realized I had taken so much for granted with my daily habits, frustration because I could not change the world around me, overwhelmed, lost, lonely....

Yes, I realize the list above lacks words like joy and  happiness and I did feel those too, but for every high the low was exceptionally low.  The funny thing about this year is that no matter what, I never doubted that I would get through each moment.  The belief that it was temporary and it would pass kind of drove me through the various emotions.  So I sit here today and contemplate what do I hope/want/desire/wish for next year and I realize that this year was much more than I ever imagined.  It taught me faith.  Faith in myself (which I am still working on) and faith in others around me. 

I don't know what 2012 has in store for me (and part of that is frightening,) but  I'm going to make a point of embracing the possibilities that lie ahead.  Both good and bad are an unfortunate part of life that allow us to break barriers and become more than we are today.  So I am going to continue down the path of self rediscovery and allow myself to be open....

Next year is all about the Possibilities!

Risk Aversion?

A few weeks ago I wrote this post to which I pondered a question, not because of where it originated, not because of who was involved in the original conversation, but because it struck a chord with me.

For the past week or so, the statement has been made regarding my 'risk aversion' - not as someone who has known me long, not as someone who has ever faced a 'risky' situation with me, but merely as an observation from someone who has conversations with me at work. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly the statement of 'your not a risk taker' have come up in conversation and each time I pause briefly and wonder..."Who me? Not me. I take plenty of risks."

The truth is however, if I think long and hard about it, I do not have a history of taking risks. Oh I've done some really stupid things, I've gone out on a ledge at times, I've even done something without having a backup plan...but a risk...no, there is not much I can think of that I have actually done with out contemplating and calculating the risk involved. If the odds don't fall in my favor, then its a fairly sure bet I won't be involved.

I don't like to lose.

I don't like to not be in control.

I don't like 'fly by the seat of my pants' and hope I come out on top.

So if I know this about myself, then why do I take it so personally when someone says 'you're not a risk taker?' Perhaps its because I want to be, a risk taker that is. Perhaps I want to prove everyone wrong. Perhaps I want to seem unpredictable and fun and carefree. I know myself, even if I try to deny myself, but accepting it is another story entirely.

There is nothing wrong with playing it safe, nothing wrong with taking calculated risks, but for me...it seems kind of old. It reminds me of being an adult, being grown up, being responsible, being OLD! I do not like to think of myself as OLD - seriously, who does?? Age, it's just a number but age has nothing to do with adulthood or growing OLD and I feel grown, I feel stable and I feel like I'm responsible for much more than my piece of this spinning rock.

Oh I know, I could be much worse off and I'm sure I'm stressing over nothing but you know, even when I visit the casino I only play the most common numbers in craps and only after I've watched the table make a few rounds...I mean, seriously, who jumps in and starts betting without getting a feel for how hot or cold the table is???

Do you wish there were things about your personality you could change?

Superhero or Superneurotic

Consumed? Involved? Obsessed?

Any one of these words comes to mind when I think about my life these days. This is almost the end of another week and yet I feel like I am running at breakneck speed without a destination mainly because I feel I am chasing after something I don't really believe I will ever catch.

Not only is it simply another week in my ever.so.chaotic.world, but it is DQ's spring break. One that I am secretly harboring massive guilt because I go to work and she goes to camp and we come home and get ready to do it again tomorrow.

Oh I know, she's at camp and she loves it, I have to work to pay for camp and honestly...I NEVER did that sort of thing growing up. My spring breaks were spent roaming the neighborhood on my bike with the other neighbor kids looking for ways to entertain ourselves (can you say bike races or waterballoon fights?!) I want to give her more than what I had, but I also know that I already am giving her more than I had at her age and yet...I feel like I am barely keeping up.

Simply put, I'm maintaining. Life as I know it is fast paced and cram packed. Always something to do, always something to see, always someone needing to find a lost shoe or wanting to have a conversation about...well, about nothing but the thoughts in their mind. Me - I want to be supermom, superwife, superhuman and get it all done with a smile on my face and my makeup in tact...instead my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I'm breathing so hard I think I might pass out! (quick pass the paper bag)

Not that long ago (yes, I wish I could forget) I said I wanted a change and something was going to give. Well, I got my change - full speed ahead and now I cross my finger and hope I remembered to wear my depends, because when this thing stops...I think I may sh*t myself.

Do you ever feel like you can't keep up?

My Start

October 16, REO Speedwagon was playing a concert a few hours away from the tiny town called Hell. That same day, a young girl sat under a tree, with a baby in her belly, furious she was not allowed to attend the concert she so desperately wanted to see for HER birthday. The young, soon-to-be first time mother was not happy, she turned to a bottle of alcohol and some prescription drugs to numb her pain, not realizing what was happening.

The morning came and with it so did her regularly scheduled doctors appointment. The girl, who was only a child, was intent on celebrating that day, her day...the day she had celebrated so many years before, as it was the day she was born, met the doctor eagerly wanting only to be done and to arrive at her own party.

She was told there would be no party, she was having a baby today and she would not be leaving. Disbelief filled the girls head as the dr explained she had been in labor for some time, but the previous cocktail of 'mood enhancers' had slowed the process. Soon the hospital was abuzz with the girls friends all excited and waiting to meet the newest addition to the group. Finally, just before the day was thru, a tiny bundle of pink met the world and the celebration began as both mother and daughter were joined on the same day.

There was much love that day and many days since then. I've been blessed by a very full life in such a short existance. Never fully grateful for the beginning I was given, but as I look into the faces of my own children - I know how much was given of that young girl that day and despite all that happened after that point, I'm here because of her.

So today is my day, but I also share my humble start with the woman who gave me life -
Happy Birthday!

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, your body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
"Woo hoo! What a ride!"

About Me

Once upon a time, in a land filled with Vodka and late nights a young girl sipped Martini's and dreamed of never growing old. This girl met a guy, who turned out to not be Mr. Right, but Mr. Right Now and changed her life forever. {Enter DramaQueen}

DramaQueen was the light of this young girls life and while the change was unexpected, DQ turned this girls life around and gave her something more than martini's and midnight parties to look forward to. Eventually after a few Mr. Wrongs, Mr. Right wondered into her life and became a father figure to DQ sealing the deal with a ring and a kiss on a warm summer afternoon. {Enter The Hub}

The Hub was not a Prince sent to rescue this girl from her life, but instead he walked along side her and pushed her to find her passion and persue what delighted her. Together they spent their days working and raising their children, DQ and Jr, when one day they decided to add one more to their brood. {Enter Little Miss}

Little Miss is the youngest of the children and is by far the best of both parents. Little Miss can often be found asserting her independance chasing the older two, jabbering away in true Mommy form as well as expanding her technical skill in the footsteps of her father.

After a long and interesting journey filled with more martini's, midnight parties replaced by mommy nights, much laughter and hair pulling incited by the hub's antics...the girl from long ago has turned into the woman of today. She has learned there will be brief moments of clarity followed by moments of utter confusion, life is not always fair, parenting is the most difficult job she has ever faced, learning is an ongoing process both in and out of the classroom and while laughter is the best medicine - there is absolutely nothing a good martini can't fix!