Endings and Beginnings

Friday, December 30...last work day of the year and one more regular day before we say goodbye to this year for good.  Whew........

For as fast as this year has flown by, there have been moments of time ticking by painfully slow.  When I started the year, I made a resolution to 'feel' something because I felt so detached from everything and emotionally numb.  I wasn't sure what that journey would entail, but at the time it was what I wanted most in my life.  Now that the year is past I can honestly say that I succeeded, but as is life...with the joys come the sorrows and I felt both. 

I'd like to think that somehow I mistakenly chosen the wrong 'personal goal' and somehow fate had determined mine should have been 'change,' but I believe now that change in an unhappy (but necessary) requirement when it comes to breaking out of the emotional box I had been protecting myself with.  Change, oddly enough, was the consistent part of my life over the last 12 months as I experienced loss of a friend, hope that things would be different better, fear that somehow they were very stagnate instead, sadness as I realized I had taken so much for granted with my daily habits, frustration because I could not change the world around me, overwhelmed, lost, lonely....

Yes, I realize the list above lacks words like joy and  happiness and I did feel those too, but for every high the low was exceptionally low.  The funny thing about this year is that no matter what, I never doubted that I would get through each moment.  The belief that it was temporary and it would pass kind of drove me through the various emotions.  So I sit here today and contemplate what do I hope/want/desire/wish for next year and I realize that this year was much more than I ever imagined.  It taught me faith.  Faith in myself (which I am still working on) and faith in others around me. 

I don't know what 2012 has in store for me (and part of that is frightening,) but  I'm going to make a point of embracing the possibilities that lie ahead.  Both good and bad are an unfortunate part of life that allow us to break barriers and become more than we are today.  So I am going to continue down the path of self rediscovery and allow myself to be open....

Next year is all about the Possibilities!

Steps towards a New Beginning

You can have anything you want if you want it desperately enough.

This was what my fortune cookie revealed to me, where now it sits visible as a daily reminder to myself. Desperation is a funny thing - it can make people do funny things, things they normally would not find themselves doing. Sometimes this is a good thing, as it can spur you into action when it seems the chips are not in your favor and cause you to get creative or pursue your passion and sometimes desperation can cause you to explore options not normally in your nature because you feel you've been backed into a corner and have no other way out.

I don't want to be desperate though, to find what I love or to get what I need...so then what?

What do I want? It's a question I've asked myself many thousand times before - a question usually answered with silence. A defining silence that echos within the spirit of my being because I was afraid to answer that question...afraid I might not find what I wanted. So what is it that I want...what is it that I truly desire in this world, beyond my health and a good life for my family full of love and opportunity to see my children grow and thrive?

I want to be inspired.

I want to feel passion in what I do.

I need to feel challenged.

I need to feel alive.

So where do I go from here?

2009 is said to be a year for big change - its electrifying the air around us-perhaps that's true, but for me, I am feeling the urge to seek out my place in all of this...to fuel my passion and go after what my heart desires. I do what I currently do because its easy and it comes naturally. Nothing more than the ordinary is expected of me and I chose this path specifically because of this. A while back, I found my self at a cross roads and took the one that looked like the road less traveled. It was dark, bumpy and more than once I fell down, scrapped my knee and even got beat up once or twice along the way. So when that path intersected once again with this one, I did not hesitate to move to a more favorable, well lit one. Looking back on the experience I notice one commonality...I was tired and ill prepared for the journey the first time. I struggled down that road because I did everything the hard way and sometimes I think you have to do it the hard way first so that you can enjoy and fully appreciate when it is done right.

Problem for me is that what was intended to be a quick break in the action, became instead a place for me to hide out and blend in with my surroundings. A place to become complacent and satisfy only my basic necessities. It did nothing to foster personal or creative growth, it did not inspire me in any way and often times left me mentally starving. Instead of fighting my way out of this slump, I dug in and made myself a more permanent fixture on the wall because it paid the bills and didn't require me to think much...something I was tired of doing.

Now however, I am stagnating in this place I've come to call my prison and need to break free and resume active participation down the path of my own life. That is the part I'm not so sure of...the part that requires me to let go of my familiar surroundings and step into the unknown fueled only by my hearts desire, my passion.

In the spirit of all things new with the changing of the calander, my resolution this year is to find my passion. My wish for each of you in the year 2009 is that you find your passion and let it lead the way.

Doing what you like is freedom, liking what you do is happieness!

Happy New Year

Wishing you all the best in 2009.

Resolution Review

The great thing about blogs is that you can document things...namely New Years Resolutions.
The BAD thing about blogs is that you can document things...unfortunately New Years Resolutions.

As this year 2008 comes to a close I look back at what I thought I would accomplish, at what I wanted to accomplish and, well, what I didn't quite so much accomplish.

#1 Forgive and let go - After many days of contemplation, I am ready to forgive myself for my faults, for my shortcomings, and for my failures. I want to let go and move on so that those wounds can heal

Did I succeed? I'd have to say it's yes to this one. I'm not going to say the process is completely finished and I've closed the book on that chapter, but I can admit that there were many things troubling my mind and my heart when I started this year that I have been able to let go of. It's been a process, but I'm glad I can finally lay some of the heavier burdens to rest.

#2 Finish school - I am finally only a few hours away from completing my degree. I started this full time about 2 years ago and now the light at the end of the tunnel can be seen. My goal for this one is to get it completed this semester so I can walk across the stage in June. (classes are online so I can finish anytime, however graduation is every year in June)

Did I succeed? Yes! I walked across the stage with the hub this past June and then I got to spend a fun filled, adventure packed weekend with him (sans kids) in Denver. Unfortunately for us it didn't last long since now we are both pursuing our Masters, but hey...I've got one down and one to go with infinite possibilities...learning never stops!

#3 Run a marathon - this was one of those goals I had set for last year, I actually wanted to attempt the St. Jude half-marathon (which is in December) but because I got pregnant, it wasn't really doable. Good news is that I am not prego anymore and I am free to resume this goal. I've actually modified it a bit and now I want to run the actual marathon instead of the half.

Did I succeed? Yes, most importantly, yes. It is the challenge I needed in my life to push me onto the next step in this journey and while there were times I struggled with wanting to quit and times I told myself there was nothing difficult about it all...in the end I learned. I learned a little more about myself in the process and I completed my very first Marathon on December 6, 2008 as I ran to support the children of St. Jude.

#4 Finish house - Well, I guess completely is a little far fetched, but I would like to have the rooms painted and the master room decorated by the end of summer.

Did I succeed? Well, that is debatable. We've continued to work on the house and we did purchase a new bed and our color/decorating scheme has been decided on (thanks to the new bedding) but the house is still a work in progress...I imagine it will continue to be though.

#5 Certification - I would like to have one certification completed by the end of the year, preferably security, but anyone will suffice

Did I succeed? No. I'd like to say yes, but I have to admit while I did go thru training the week before Christmas in an effort to fulfill this goal, I have not achieved it just yet. I am scheduled to take the examination in January so hopefully...

#6 Lose weight - I want the rest of the baby weight gone as well as a few extra pounds, if I can stay on schedule with the marathon training then this should take care of itself...lets hope!

Did I succeed? If I have to start the sentence with "that depends" the answer should be NO, but I'm gonna call this a success. I did lose all the baby weight, which was my goal - however the few extra pounds have come and gone with the weather and who knows if I'll ever really let them go. It's not where I want to be, but it is a healthy weight and I've dropped a pants size (beyond what I was before I got pregnant) so I won't complain. I stayed relatively on track for my marathon training so I'm going to chalk this one up to 'muscle weighs more than fat right?!

What about you? Did you keep to your New Years Resolutions??

Forgiveness...I've come this far

January 11, 2008 I posted the following entry below on my old blog, the first of 5 resolutions for this year...

It's been a few days since I posted, I'm not sure why it has been so hard - it just seems that I can't find the words to express my thoughts lately. There have been so many of them since the start of the new year and many times I have started to post, but stopped only to find myself writing a jumbled mess. Even today it seems this too will turn out that way, but just maybe this process will help me begin to sort it all out.

I don't know if it is my need to have a new years resolution that has sent me down the path of my past, if having all the emotional/hormonal stuff that comes with having a new baby, or if it is cosmic fate that is leading me to re-exam my past, but I have been dealing with some of the things that I never really let go of before. I know that during the "growing-up" process we learn to make choices, we learn who we are and what we stand for, but what happens if during those crucial years you never learn those things...what if all you learn is how to deal? How to deal with pain. How to deal with rejection. How to substitute fake for real and find alternate methods of love when life makes you feel as if you never had any? I believe the growing process never stops, but somewhere inside me I had started to believe that I had become grown and was just tweaking who I was.

I look at my past and try desperately to figure out who I was then, but even now there is no clear answer. I was a lot of things, the only thing I know for sure is that I was searching for something that seemed so elusive, that I just started to accept anything in its place. I wasn't a bad person, I did have some confused ideals at the time, but I wasn't bad. I wanted to be loved. Even now I struggle with the need to be loved...not that I am not loved, I guess truth is I have a hard time accepting love or letting myself be loved.

Why was it so hard for me? When did it start? Where does this feeling come from? Those are the questions I wish I had answers for, but I don't. It scares me because I would never want my daughters to feel the way I did. About 15 years ago I started to wonder down a path, I was damaged and broken and didn't even know it. I struggled at every turn trying to cover the issue, fix me, but I never knew I was broken. About 4 years later I met someone who touched my life and helped me believe in myself again. It was brief, but the impact was immeasurable. Truth be told, I slid down hill a bit and as fate would have it, this same person came back into my life and helped me get it back together. They restored my faith in me and I never even knew it was happening. Despite this, I had never worked thru some of the issues I had, I never healed my wounds...I only covered them up and hoped like hell they would go away, but they didn't.

Recently words were spoken that had a profound effect on me. Just a few simple words sent me right back to those moments, ripped the old wounds open and left me feeling helpless. I struggled with the belief this could happen, of course not - that was such a long time ago, it is impossible. Not true. I have revisited those memories and I don't want to feel that way again, I don't want to be able to be controlled by them. After many days of contemplation, I am ready to forgive myself for my faults, for my shortcomings, and for my failures. I want to let go and move on so that those wounds can heal.

Resolution 1: Forgive and let go

Even now as I look back on the year I can remember vividly where I was at that moment and all that I was feeling, struggling with. In an effort to make good on this resolution I set out with good intentions and read a few books, wrote open letters and focused on why I was so hurt after all this time. Now as 2008 comes to a close, here is what I learned.

Forgiveness is something only YOU can give YOURSELF.

To the person who taught me "love hurts" - I forgive all the wrong doing on both our parts. I was too young to truly understand and I let you manipulate me for your own gain and then make me believe it was my fault. While you were the first real 'emotion' I let myself feel, you were not the last, and I thank god every day I am still here today.

To the person who taught me "relationships don't last" - I forgive us. I forgive us for so much of what we did to each other that left such an imprint on me as to what 'relationships' are like. Not every relationship is a failure waiting to happen.

To the person who taught me "to question my confidence" - I forgive. Not by words but purely actions did you manage to convey this lesson and I have hated you for a long time. Belief in myself can be freely given at anytime and the time is now.

To the person who taught me "I am selfish" - I forgive me. You gave so much and I took it all when in the end I could only give a little, I am sorry. I will never be able to tell you how much you did for me, but no longer do I need to carry the shame in knowing what I did was wrong.

To the person who taught me "dare to dream" - I am forever grateful. We've fought many battles and while the war may not be won, I know that with you in my corner anything is possible. You give me strength to be better than I was today and for that Thank you.