Superhero or Superneurotic

Consumed? Involved? Obsessed?

Any one of these words comes to mind when I think about my life these days. This is almost the end of another week and yet I feel like I am running at breakneck speed without a destination mainly because I feel I am chasing after something I don't really believe I will ever catch.

Not only is it simply another week in my ever.so.chaotic.world, but it is DQ's spring break. One that I am secretly harboring massive guilt because I go to work and she goes to camp and we come home and get ready to do it again tomorrow.

Oh I know, she's at camp and she loves it, I have to work to pay for camp and honestly...I NEVER did that sort of thing growing up. My spring breaks were spent roaming the neighborhood on my bike with the other neighbor kids looking for ways to entertain ourselves (can you say bike races or waterballoon fights?!) I want to give her more than what I had, but I also know that I already am giving her more than I had at her age and yet...I feel like I am barely keeping up.

Simply put, I'm maintaining. Life as I know it is fast paced and cram packed. Always something to do, always something to see, always someone needing to find a lost shoe or wanting to have a conversation about...well, about nothing but the thoughts in their mind. Me - I want to be supermom, superwife, superhuman and get it all done with a smile on my face and my makeup in tact...instead my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I'm breathing so hard I think I might pass out! (quick pass the paper bag)

Not that long ago (yes, I wish I could forget) I said I wanted a change and something was going to give. Well, I got my change - full speed ahead and now I cross my finger and hope I remembered to wear my depends, because when this thing stops...I think I may sh*t myself.

Do you ever feel like you can't keep up?

Standing...

Standing still....it's what I've been doing in one aspect of my life.

Simply standing in one solitary location, waiting to be given a reason to move, waiting to be asked to participate with everyone else, waiting for the music to move me, to find my groove and yet...all I've done is stand and wait.

There has been so much of myself called into question lately that I could no longer stand here and wait. I could no longer just be 'a fixture' in the room...instead I had to become a participant in the action. I had to make choices I've avoided, I had to face certain truths I would rather be oblivious too and I instead of standing, I had to take a stand of my own.

And so I have - now please excuse me while I go vomit up my dinner.

I am a fence sitter by nature. I watch and I sway with the way the wind blows me never making a definitive choice because in truth, rarely do I see it as one is better or worse than the other - they are both unique and different and to deny one would be to deny all that comes with it. It is not something I can easily do - however, push me into a corner, trap me in the middle of a battle, invade my comfort zone and I will no doubt stake my claim and fight to the death.

Lucky for me...this side is rare. But now, events have been placed in motion that make me sick. Events that I hoped would never come and yet here they are. Moments that I believed if addressed with tact and care could be avoided have proven as easy to navigate as a minefield in the dark.

I do not have a compass, I do not have a map...I take it one step at a time. Today I do not know the outcome and despite my thoughts I cannot put them here. However if anyone has any Night Vision Goggles (NVG) or metal detectors or a shield protected bubble suit they could let me borrow I would be grateful. I'm even up for a trade if you are looking for something yourself... :)

How have you learned to navigate that which is called LIFE?