26.2 Lessons

I've planned this post for many months. I've spent countless hours rehearsing what I would say, imagining the profound marathon wisdom I would have to share with each and every one of you. At some point in my training, near the end - after a few REALLY long runs, I even imagined I would have some sort of humorous story with how all the pain and cold mornings were really worth every ounce of energy I put into it.

But, as I sit here everything that I imagined I would say falls flat.

I started this journey with an idea over 2 years ago and 1 year ago I put this idea into motion. I had no real idea what it would take to bring this tiny little dream to life, but I never thought it would be tough.

Running is not hard. You put one foot in front of the other until you find the end. Sometimes the end is just around the corner and sometimes the end is up a very steep hill, either way it's only a matter of continuing to move in a forward direction.

I made a plan, established where my weaknesses were and found a way to combat them with support, support I am so grateful to have had. I determined my goals and set out with every intention of fulfilling them, never doubting that I wouldn't. In the end I ran a race that consisted of 26.2 miles that eventually led to a finish line. I could give you a mile by mile recount of the miserable cold (hello 39 degrees), the St. Jude Children's faces (both living and not), the support from people running or just cheering us on, and even a finishing time that is no where near where I had originally planned on crossing the finish line at (yes, I completely overestimated my time,) but what I came to realize during that final run was much more that I ever thought possible.

On this journey, that seemed so grand - almost like 'who am I to dream the impossible' I learned that it is not impossible at all. Dreams are meant to be far reaching, to push the limits of what we know, to force us to stretch beyond what's comfortable. Dreams are not what break us, as I originally thought from the loss of a few of my own, but instead dreams are what help push us to be better than we are today.

A marathon is not about speed so much as it is endurance and for me, it was about the will to keep going when everything about that moment told me I wanted to quit. Life is like this sometimes. You see, we can train and prepare and plan for what we think lies ahead, but the truth is we don't really know what that moment will be like until we face it. In life we build off our past experiences in an attempt to repeat what went right and to learn from what went wrong. We all face a moment where we question what we believe or where we must decide to look ahead and let go of the past when all we know is the past we've held onto for so long. There are moments when the sun is shining and the band is playing and we think 'life doesn't get much better than this' only to find when we turn the corner at the next mile, we are alone in a cold wind fighting our way uphill. Its those moments when we must choose to continue to keep moving forward or we might never find our way to the end.

This past Saturday I found my end. I felt the spirit of love and hope for what 14000 people were committed to doing on that morning, I felt the pain and fear of defeat as I faced mile after mile mentally ready to throw in the towel and I felt the exhilaration that comes with crossing under the archway of balloons, greeted by the ones I love and knowing that I did it.

I started this journey as one woman only to find the woman I ended as, is so much more than I could've hoped for.

Two more days...

It's my blog and I'll obsess if I want to, obsess if I want to, obsess if I waaanttt to (come on, you know the song)

I run my very first Marathon on Saturday - the big day is finally here and I am paranoid something will go wrong (ie stomach issues during the race) No I've never had any issues during my runs, but there's a first time for everything. :)

Ok, so I am obsessing. (don't say I didn't warn you - see song above) I am excited, nervous, pumped, terrified...oh and any other adjective you want to throw in there for good measure. I've been psyching myself up for Saturdays run all week long. You know, trying to read the motivational quotes:

“Faith is born of definiteness of purpose operating in a positive mental attitude.”

"Let nothing dim the light that shines from within."

“It’s not the fittest who survive, nor the most intelligent, but those who can best adapt to their environment.”

Suffice it to say I can continue on with little gems like this for days, but despite this I am nervous as all get out! This has been a vision for me for over a year - back when I got pregnant with Little Miss I had the brilliant plan to run the St. Jude Marathon. It didn't work out so well (because I was due with Little Miss on the date of last years race) but as soon as I could start running again I did.

There were days when I started running I never thought I would be able to go over just a few miles. There were days when I could run a few miles, that 12 or 15 seemed unbelievably long. Then there are those days that 20+ miles passed me by and cloud nine was my new home. These are the moments that I'm holding onto, this is what I've run all these long months and countless hours for, the moments where I dragged my sorry butt out of bed at 0'dark thirty, leaving the comfort of my warm bed only to face the cold so my feet could pound out a few more miles before my family got up.

I've worked for it and I have no doubt I will achieve my end result...but it doesn't stop the obsessing until its over. So.....

It's my blog and I'll obsess if I want to, obsess if I want to, la la la la la la la

Do you obsess over stuff too?

Do it for Love

The other evening, after my 10 mile run, Mark stopped me to see how my training was going and if I was on track for the marathon coming up in December. As much as I would have liked to say, "Yes, I'm on track and ready for more" I had to admit to him that I was not and had fallen behind on some of my weekend long runs.

When he questioned me as to why I was not doing them I said it was because I did not have time. His response to this was "make time" or drop back from the full to the half marathon, an option I am unwilling to accept at this point.

Make time. Simple enough, but how do you carve out time in an already hectic and overly full schedule? I do not know how to do this other than to cut a few things out of the equation, none of which I am ready to give up just yet.

Last night, while watching one of my favorite TV shows (Lipstick Jungle) there was a song "Bottle it Up" by Sara Bareilles that played and caught my attention.

Love you're all I ever could need only one good thing
Worth trying to be and it's
Love
Love
I do it for love, love, love, love
Oh, only gonna get get what you give away,
So give love, love

This is why I do what I do...why I've always done what I do. Love. Isn't this why any of us do anything we do? We do for our family by taking care of them, (doing homework, making lunches, shuffling from practice to practice), we do for our friends (being there when they need us, chatting, blogging, having lunch) and they are there for us. Somewhere in this we have to do for ourselves so that we too can get what we need. In my case it is school and running. Maybe I'm a sucker, but I enjoy doing for my friends and family and tend to cut back on things I do for myself when I run short on time. Yes, there comes a point when I can no longer cut back and have to tell them no, but that point is not very often.

The point I am trying to make, is that life is busy and hectic and crazy, but love makes it all the more interesting. Love makes every moment worth it and even though my sanity runs short some days and I want to scream and shout at the gods to give me more time - I wouldn't change anything...I would still do it all for love!

What do you do for love?

Can't Keep me down

Every so often I write about running - this is my goal, my ever closing in, short term goal...to run the St. Jude Marathon. I've been doing my part to achieve this goal for the past 6 months and while I still have high hopes, I realized there was a small crack in my vision.

It's disheartening to wake up one day and realize my plan is flawed.

This past weekend I was supposed to run a 20mi long run - I get up and meet my running partner at o' dark thirty and away we go. It was a nice run, cool and not too humid, conversation flowed easily and the pace was comfortable. Nothing too out of the ordinary. 12 miles later, I get back to my car and realize me feet hurt, one more than the other. I don't think much about it - my feet are usually tired after a run. By the time I get home though (after a stop at the store for groceries) my left foot is really hurting, so I ask the hub about it.

Who better to ask than the man who is supposed to care so much about me (and the fact that he trained hard and has a degree in kinesiology doesn't hurt either) this man proceeds to tell me, something is hurt. GREAT - not what I wanted to hear, but I'm sure it's minor, nothing to worry about, we ice it and go on about the day. Monday comes and I head to practice, I run an easy 6 miles, my foot hurts still, but I manage thru the pain. Once again, I complain to the hub and as we ice it, he convinces me to visit the dr.

This is one of the joys of having a dr. at my disposal because all I have to do is call, make an appointment and I'm in. For minor issues, dr. appointments are a breeze - if its anything major...trust me, the government is going to run you thru the loops before they treat you outside their facility.

For me, I call, make an appointment, show up 24 hrs later, get x-rays and wait for the dr. to look at them. In all of 30 min the dr tells me that 'while he cannot see any problems NOW, that does not mean there are not stress problems waiting and I should stay off it for 3 weeks.'

HAHAHA

Are you serious? It's just a foot and if my x-ray says I'm good, then obviously I must be good, I think the dr. is crazy and decide I am going to play it by ear.

All this is fine except for that brief moment, while I was sitting there waiting for him to come tell me about the x-ray, I thought there might be something wrong that would get in the way of achieving this goal and I was sad. Just for a brief moment I saw what I wanted go up in smoke and it was hard to think I wouldn't see it come to fruition. I, however, was lucky enough that there was nothing major wrong, but not everyone is.

Life is just as random as an injury...one moment we are cruising along with our eye on the prize when something jumps out and derails us. It is easy for me to become so narrow sighted that I don't see anything else around...perhaps this was my wake up call to say "Hey - I'm still here, remember me? LIFE? Go for the goal, but don't forget, it can all change in the blink of an eye." For a brief moment, I was superhuman and nothing could stop me then just as quickly, I was a mere human who had limits.


Have you ever had the realization that life has a mind of it's own and does not always have the same plan in mind you do?

Facing The 26.2 Dragon

Every so often I mention the St. Jude Marathon I am going to run on December 6. (notice I said "GOING TO RUN" - positive affirmations)For the past 6 months or so I've been running in an effort to build up mileage and strength so that I can complete the 26.2 mile race without injury. In this process I have gotten a trainer to help with the preparation for the race because I have never done this before. Yesterday - he finally sent out the specific training schedules for the race and I have to admit that I was a little shocked and then a little frightened by what I received.

For some of you, the mere idea of ever running 26.2 miles for FUN - is delusional. I too used to be of this mindset. I usually joke my kids drove me to this point, but the truth is I enjoy running (most days.) When I first started training (8 weeks after my daughter was born) Walking 2 miles was hard, running 4 miles seemed difficult and 26.2 that was beyond psychotic at the time. Eventually, 2 miles turned into 4 which has turned into 10 and sometimes 12 miles. Running 6 is an easy thing now.

What's the problem?

Well, when I was reviewing the training schedule I noticed the 20 & 24 mile runs on there over the next few months and honestly, those numbers seem, well...a little frightening. I've been saying these numbers for a while now - telling myself "sure, whats a few more miles than what you've already been doing." Truth is, seeing them in black and white is a whole new ball game. Regardless of what I thought before, they seem to be looming ahead in all their massive glory.

I'm sure, much of it is still in my head and once I face this dragon it will seem much smaller than I imagined...it's just the getting there that is the hard part.

Have you ever wanted to do something only to find when you are facing it head on, it's more frightening than you imagined?

Do you know?

What do you want?

Simple, yet very effective, as far as questions go. Do you have an answer?

I was left to ponder this question, not long ago, after a conversation about my future. I did not have an answer. What did I want?

I want it all.

"Not a good enough answer" I was told. This answer requires focus and more specifics - I did not (do not) have them. The difference between then and now...I know what I want, at least part of what I want and the answer came to me like a light being switched on in the dark.

I run each week. I run 3 days a week and try faithfully to reach my goals when training for my marathon in December. I have always run. Looking back thru my life, I have been running for a very long time. I have never run these distances before, but then again I spent most of that time running FROM something as opposed to running TOWARDS something. I have run so far and so fast that I missed many things along the way.

When I started this process, when I was desperately searching for something, some part of me to cling to, I found running. What I didn't realize until today is that I am running towards something and no longer running away. It takes a lot of dedication, determination and drive to set out to run a marathon. The training and time put into it is work and the reward is personal - very few of us will have a reward other than personal accomplishment.

But for me, while this will be an accomplishment, it will be much more than that. I want to break out of my self imposed limits. The rules I've set that say what I can and cannot do. The labels I've put on myself because this is the mold I want to fit in...this is how I've chosen to define myself. At this moment - the one where I ran 6 miles of hills in the suffocating heat, covered in sweat and sore all over - this moment, I want more than anything else to achieve this goal. Everything it takes to get to the end, seems small in comparison to what will be once I get there, almost as if anything is possible, if I just do this first.

Perhaps this sounds a little halmarkish, but I'm not talking just about running a marathon. Each of us are different, each have different desires and wants and needs. Where is our drive to achieving what it is we want? Have you already found yours - achieved yours?

If the world was an endless possibility - what would you want?

Running While Intoxicated = RWI

I don't usually blog about my running (mis)adventures here at CafeKel (you can read them over here) because it is really just about running. I would rather reserve my whining about stuff to at least something interesting. wink wink But, while at practice the other day I overheard a conversation that filtered into my everyday life and I just couldn't help but wonder....

So, I was at training and there was a group of us women who were running along a trail, chit chatting to pass the time and forget about the overpowering humid heat that we were all suffocating in. As we each took our turns to lament about the heat etc. one woman said,

"Yeah, I was on my way home and needed a to get a beer for 'beer can chicken' tonight so I stopped and got a six pack, but after I got home I was thinking how cold and yummy that would be so I grabbed a couple and downed them right before practice."

I am not judging, I too like an alcoholic beverage (i.e. crisp shot of vodka) on occasion, but I'm pretty sure I have not drank one, or even a couple, before I go run a few miles. If I'm going to drink I'd rather enjoy it than have to go sweat it out in the miserable heat here. I just found it interesting someone would do this BEFORE a run...not after.

For the most part I have given up alcohol while training for my marathon. Yes, I still have some on occasion, but I limit it to a glass or two and then switch to water. Being that this is the season of outdoor get togethers with friends, it has become more difficult to do. I say this because I've noticed a trend recently - whenever we get together with friends I'll usually have something non-alcoholic, no big deal, I don't give any reason...it is just what I want to drink. However, they will usually start with the "awe, come on - have a ..." or "you don't want that, I'll fix you a ..." Inevitably I'll have something else and then quietly switch back to water later when no one is paying attention.

I even had a conversation with a friend at a backyard party who said "well he stopped drinking and I'm happy for him, but I'm not on the bandwagon so I'll have another. I think he was more fun when he drank." It made me think about what she thought about me when I stopped drinking.

In this instance I am talking about drinking, but this is not limited to just drinking. What about diets? If someone starts one do we try to entice them to cheat? "Come on, I'll just cut you a small piece of cake - it won't hurt anything." I'm really no better to my friends than they are to me because I am guilty of this. Or a friend who is cutting back on spending and I call and talk them into having lunch with me because I don't want to go alone. "Come on, it's just $10 dollars, you can spare that."

So my point is, in our own ways do we hinder rather than help our friends because we don't like to be alone? I know I've been guilty of it a time or two, but it's not much fun on the other side.

Have you ever been enticed to do something you would rather not?

Patience is a Virtue...

...that I do not possess and I believe will prove to be my biggest pitfall in future success. Why? Because of 2 reasons actually:

1) I see the end goal and focus on getting to that point (I want X tell me how to get there - NOW.)
2) I don't want to take the necessary steps to get there (if that step requires time) I want to know what I can do to get there in my own time frame (once again, NOW)

I have officially signed & paid for a coach to help prepare me for my upcoming Marathon. I did a couple of trial runs with the coach to see if I thought we would be a good fit and if I liked his style of training (of which I did) and decided to make this a more permanent thing. Afterwards, I was chatting with the coach about goals, training techniques, etc and I realized that we have different views. I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong (although it's been said that mine are closer to wrong) I just believe that I should be able to get from A to C and not necessarily have to go thru B.

Case and Point
I will be running the St. Jude Marathon in Memphis in December '08. This will be the first marathon I've ever attempted (hopefully not the last) and in the planning phase of this process I started doing massive research on marathons, training techniques, personal experiences of others, comments on the specific marathon etc. I have loaded my brain down with LOTS of information. My goals for this race are not only to complete it, but to complete it within 4 - 4.5 hrs. I've given myself 6 months to train and am willing to take the necessary steps to achieve this goal.

My coach has other ideas.

1. No time goals for 1st marathon (complete it then set time goals for next)
2. aerobic training (endurance) - not anaerobic training (speed) which translates into training for a marathon and not doing monthly 5k's. 3-no race challenges (I had planned to participate in a circuit run which consisted of each 5k, 5mi, 10k, 10mi, half marathon from July-November that he says will interfere with my training.)

My thoughts were simple - if I know what I want and I pay you then I am expecting to be told how to achieve my goals, not told that I only need to be running 3 days a week and my first goal should be to complete a marathon...SERIOUSLY?? I don't want to just complete it, I want to strive for something more...why can't I?

As posted before, the hub is well versed in coaching/training/exercise so I went to him to whine about not getting what I want and you know what...the hub totally backed up the coach. Talk about surprised (not that I didn't think the coach was right, but the hub wasn't keen on me having a coach) so now it is no longer me against the coach but now I am against the coach and the hub.

To be coach you have to be willing to be trainable and I agreed to try and be trainable. By default, my nature is to make nice and do what I want anyhow, but I really want to attain this goal so I think my best bet is to listen, no matter how difficult this may be. Only time and proper training will tell if the end result is what I want and I'll never get there if I don't start somewhere so I guess it all begins here.

Team Training

Today was the first day of my running with MIM. I haven't officially joined yet (trial evaluation period) but I liked what I saw today. Actually, I am thrilled after my first workout. The first thing I noticed was I wasn't alone...there were other 'newbie's' like myself, second-I had seen many of the faces I saw today. Only difference was they weren't passing me at the race...I was running along side them. I actually held a conversation with some of them, it's funny how I noticed them yet, they don't remember ever seeing me. haha

We started with some sculpting exercises, did a few short runs, did some running drills and then did a few longer runs. Mark 'the coach/trainer' came up along side and provided some pointers and support for my running technique - I can't say that I had ever thought of it that way, but I am willing to try something new to my random method.

For the most part I had been running distance, pushing myself to run when I was tired or out of breath...I just thought that if I kept going eventually it would get easier. Mark disagrees and has a different plan so why not. I had done quite a bit of research on marathon training schedules, user advice, etc. I don't however have the first clue about actual training technique...I've always just gone out and run, no real form or technique, just all out running and eventually it gets easier and I go farther. It was never about speed so I guess it didn't matter, but now....now it's about speed baby!

Can you tell I'm excited?! Yes, there isn't much that could deter my mood except for my bad motherness. In my excitement to be running with MIM today I totally spaced on the schools awards ceremony. It wasn't until I was almost home and I saw people at the center that I thought it might have been tonight. Yes, it was and now I feel horrible. It was the only thing not put on the calendar, she didn't even realize about the awards ceremony otherwise she wouldn't have let me forget. Yes, I'm a bad mom-I feel selfish for going but happy that I did. I guess something had to give and this was it.

You live and you learn...