Putting the I in...

It's been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I don't like to believe there is truth in that statement, however there are days when I question what I believe...today is one of those days.

I, by default, tend to put the "I" in b*tch...especially when I am not comfortable in my environment.  That is not to say that I am typically the big B....however I am closed off and outwardly overly professional until I become "comfortable" in my surroundings.  Let me preface this thought with one thing - I use the term b*tch based on my own personal definition:  "One who is emotionally withdrawn, directly speaks their mind and is no nonsense about the direction they intend to proceed."

Remember, this is my inital projection and "first impressions are lasting impressions."  I prefer to understand the expected outcome - all facets of the current way of doing business and then determine what (if any) changes should be made.  Over time, once I am comfortable in how processes work, then I soften and can bend the rules where applicable.  Part of this is based on the trust that is built through working relationships, understanding political agendas and identification of where the "land mines" are hidden.

While this attitude tends to work well in the mail dominated world I spend the bulk of my time, this also happens to spill over into my personal world, which is less suited for the harshness it brings.  It takes longer to build "friendships" and when they are broken, often it is unrepairable.  I am not saying they are severed, but they are rarely, if ever, the same and often respected from a distance.  I will say that I do not recommend  this approach in a personal life - however due to my own past experiences, I am a little unorthadox.

There are only a few times, when I look at the path - this path - that I am traveling down and actually take the time to stop and look back at the friendships, the relationships that I have walked away from and let my heart ache for the loss.  Today, is one of those days for me...I miss my friend.  I miss the bond I thought we shared and even though I might be able to change the outcome of this situation, I've learned that if someone doesn't appreciate you today - they will not appreciate you any more or less tomorrow.

So for now, I hold on to the good memories and trudge past the bad down this road towards my tomorrow. Why?  Because I know there are people who deserve what I have to give and will appreciate me for what I am.

The view from here is: Overcast with a chance of hopefulness.

Games

I've mentioned in the past that we (the hubs and kids) are game players. When getting ready for our Halloween party I asked you what your thoughts were on playing games, to which most of you said you would do if others were playing. Now I am curious about games as in - just for fun?

Growing up, my family did not play games so this was not something I learned to enjoy. However, when I became part of the military, playing games were something we did pretty regularly (seriously how else are you going to pass the time when you are stuck on a ship in the middle of the ocean?) Point I am trying to make, is that my new found appreciation for the board games was something I acquired late in life.

The hub, on the other hand, was a game player-his family are game players and so as such, our children are now game players. I thought we were alone in this love of board games, but no...we have managed to find people just like us who have a twisted love affair with games. We have a small group of friends who we can count on to join us in a battle of wits, skills, and sometimes war against each other in an effort to win bragging rights. (Can you play Taboo or Cranium without an all out battle??)

Imagine my surprise, as I sit at my desk early in the morning and listen to a heated conversation about the previous weekend's battle of boardgames. I'm talking grown men and women going all out and planning their revenge in a rematch.

As I sat behind my little cubical wall, smiling to myself, all I could think was - I was living in a parallel world and these were my counter peoples, but most likely I realized I am probably not as rare a breed as I originally thought and us gamers...well, we're not a dying breed after all.

What about YOU - Do you like to play games with friends? Do you have a favorite?

Monday Madness - Girls Nite Out

Things NOT to do when planning a Nite Out with Girls:

1. PLAN - Plan each minute and send out detailed emails letting everyone know what the evening will include, because who doesn't like to know that at 8pm they will be picked up, there will be 1.5 hrs allotted for dinner, then off to the event(ie movie/comedy/video arcade) for 2 hrs, then off to the club for a late night drink or two.

2. CARE - Ask everyone what night is best for them and plan the evening around them, despite the fact that YOU are the one who wants/needs the night out.

3. DRIVE - The evening will include drinking therefore, one must be sober so everyone gets home safely. Request the evening, Plan the evening and then Drive everyone for the evening too. Completely ensuring you have minimal fun.

4. BUY AHEAD - If your evening plans consist of anything that requires tickets, buy them ahead of time so that you can skip long lines or guarantee you can get in if it is sold out. Don't worry, someone will 'forget their money' and have to get you 'next time.'

5. ENERGY - Since drinking will not be allowed for the DD (i.e. you) start earlier than everyone else with some energy drinks like Red Bull or Monster or even an Espresso shot or two. You will be wide awake, wired and ready for a night on the town. If the police happen to pull you over for your sporadic driving, calmly explain "No, officer, I have not been drinking anything except for Red Bull and Espresso and I find it difficult to focus on just two lines. Do you blame me for drinking like this when I have these (point to drunken females around you) people for friends?" You should get off with no more than a warning.

What lessons have you learned from a night out with Friends?

Do it for Love

The other evening, after my 10 mile run, Mark stopped me to see how my training was going and if I was on track for the marathon coming up in December. As much as I would have liked to say, "Yes, I'm on track and ready for more" I had to admit to him that I was not and had fallen behind on some of my weekend long runs.

When he questioned me as to why I was not doing them I said it was because I did not have time. His response to this was "make time" or drop back from the full to the half marathon, an option I am unwilling to accept at this point.

Make time. Simple enough, but how do you carve out time in an already hectic and overly full schedule? I do not know how to do this other than to cut a few things out of the equation, none of which I am ready to give up just yet.

Last night, while watching one of my favorite TV shows (Lipstick Jungle) there was a song "Bottle it Up" by Sara Bareilles that played and caught my attention.

Love you're all I ever could need only one good thing
Worth trying to be and it's
Love
Love
I do it for love, love, love, love
Oh, only gonna get get what you give away,
So give love, love

This is why I do what I do...why I've always done what I do. Love. Isn't this why any of us do anything we do? We do for our family by taking care of them, (doing homework, making lunches, shuffling from practice to practice), we do for our friends (being there when they need us, chatting, blogging, having lunch) and they are there for us. Somewhere in this we have to do for ourselves so that we too can get what we need. In my case it is school and running. Maybe I'm a sucker, but I enjoy doing for my friends and family and tend to cut back on things I do for myself when I run short on time. Yes, there comes a point when I can no longer cut back and have to tell them no, but that point is not very often.

The point I am trying to make, is that life is busy and hectic and crazy, but love makes it all the more interesting. Love makes every moment worth it and even though my sanity runs short some days and I want to scream and shout at the gods to give me more time - I wouldn't change anything...I would still do it all for love!

What do you do for love?

Long Weekend Ahead

TGIF!

It is finally Friday and it is also the start to a long weekend...that's right, It's labor day weekend! I am more than ready for this weekend to be here and for the much needed day off on Monday. We are planning a fairly relaxing weekend - nothing major, perhaps a trip to the Zoo, a movie and some back yard B-B-Q time with friends, but not much else.

In the spirit of keeping things light and breezy I will keep this short and simple...

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe holiday weekend!

~K

From Corporate Grind to SAHM

A good friend of my recently had her first baby, at which time she quit her job and decided to stay home with him full time. It is no surprise, because I've mentioned it many times, I am not a SAHM - I work a full time job and always have. I think it takes a special person to be able to stay home everyday with their kids and although I love my children I crave adult conversation and interaction. I do however give props to those mommies who do it, because I think that regardless of what miserable and/or crappy day I might have had at work, I can leave it there and come home, they however do this job ALL THE TIME!

Back to my point...

My friend quit her job and became a SAHM and it got me thinking, "Why go thru the corporate rat race to just give it up in the end?" She graduated from college, ventured off on her own to start a job at entry level and over the course of 4 years she fought the daily grind of work, catty co-workers, self-centered bosses and eventually climbed her way up the food chain. She easily worked 60 hour weeks and made sacrifices on her personal behalf because she didn't have a family waiting at home for her. In this time I watched a person grow from enjoying what she did to despising the work, feeling disenchanted and biding her time until she could leave.

I am not saying that we all don't feel this way sometimes, I know all too well how frustrating long work hours without any break can do to the psyche, however I've also never felt like I wanted to leave it all behind for something different. A different job or work environment, perhaps, but never just walk away. When my first daughter was born, I was a single mother, not working was not an option. When my second daughter was born, this was an option, but I chose to go back.

I've worked for this life I lead, I've gained knowledge so I could advance, I've worked long hours to show dedication in hopes of being considered for the next promotion/raise and I've also juggled my schedule so that I could be there when my family needed me most. I just can't imagine going thru all of that just to walk away at the end - why? Why do it if it is not where you want to be headed? Why put yourself thru corporate misery if in the end you don't want to climb the ladder?

I think both jobs are equally important, working mother and stay at home mother. I think they are both demanding on your time and difficult as well as rewarding. I understand doing one or the other out of necessity but busting your butt to build that work portfolio seems like a lot of work just to walk away in the end.

Do you think the corporate grind is worth it if in the end you decide to become a SAHM?

Forgiveness

I came across this article by Amy Bloom called "Life Lessons." Obviously I am not of the age where wisdom comes with hindsight and lessons learned through time, but I found it comforting in relation to an instance that took place not long ago in my life.

By the time I was ten, I had really learned quite a bit: (1) Being lost is only temporary; (2) there are mean people everywhere (but fewer in the library); (3) knowledge is power, but make sure you know what you need to know (e.g., I may have had vast knowledge of Charles Dickens’s books, but socially this was no substitute for my failure to grasp the nuances of The Barbie Game); and (4) the gap between what people say and what they feel is like the rain forest: fascinating and uncomfortable.

The article is written about her perspective on forgiveness and how things/memories change over time. Bully's forget how cruel they were and people placate others for the sake of "polite social interaction." I fall into the latter of the two categories. I am notorious for saying things are just "peachy" when things are anything but. Just a few weeks ago I initiated a conversation with a person I hadn't spoken to in years because I wanted to be 'polite' and say hello. Pass on a complement or two and convey a sense of "no hard feelings." In the end, I was discarded by the wayside and have spent many days agonizing over why this happened.

What stood out for me was the fact that I am kind of like that bully in her story. I am focused on making peace with myself for any wrong I think I did that I don't see/I don't understand when someone else responds coldly. In the instance of being discarded - I had done nothing wrong to begin with, I was not her bully or foe from the past, but still I was trying to make amends.

Forgiveness is a two way street. You can seek forgiveness from others for what you've done (or think you've done) but if you do not forgive yourself then the guilt will remain. I am an advocate of telling it like it is and being as 'real' as it gets except with myself. I'd much rather live in a world where everyone things I'm OK than have them all know I've been hurt. Which usually leads to silent agony on my part while I plot your demise. (ok, not really the demise part)

Truth is time flies by in the blink of an eye and before we know it we are looking back on when instead of looking forward to what will be. I don't want to get there and then be filled with guilt - perhaps I should take the forgiveness lesson to heart.


What life lesson have you learned?

Reason, Season or Lifetime

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to a new understanding with
the passing of a whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon,
they stay in our lives for awhile,
leave footprints on our heart,
and we are never, ever the same.
Anonymous

Recently I've been doing a lot of introspective soul searching, I've been evaluating my thoughts about myself, attempting to redefine myself and simply questioning what once was black and white - is now very gray. In this process, I have put a lot of mental energy into certain subjects, mostly in the form of open ended questions to which I have not necessarily found the answers by way of words alone, but through the people I've met and interactions I've had with them.

A question was raised over at SemiCharmedWife "Can I still be me without my past?" to which has sparked as a massive conversation piece. Personally, I think I am a collective sum of my pieces, a whole of my parts. This being said, my experiences have been a result of the many people I have met along this journey. I've seen some good, some bad and some in the middle. I've placed people on pedestals because I thought they could do no wrong, only to find myself let down in the end. I've also underestimated and judged some people too early only to find they are 'more than meets the eye' and usually a wonderful friend. This is not to say however, that all my first impressions are wrong, it's just that some require more more depth than others.

I've been influenced both positively and negatively by the people I've met. Some have pushed me beyond my limits and I am a better person and some have torn me down, of which I have learned valuable lessons about myself. The problem I have is not the people or the experiences I have had, but the fact that I let them [past memories] control my life, let them define who I am today. The people become a measure of where I want to be (or where I am running away from) and my experiences are a collection of the "me's" that I've been.

What I've failed to see, until recently, is through each of these people, I've learned a little bit more about myself...I am not any one specific person (past or present) but very much unique. I have been able to experience people with admirable qualities and those not so much. I am not a good person because I was friends with Mother Teresa or a bad person because I once ran around with a murderer, but have learned from their attitudes something that can make me a better person than I was then.

They've all come at different times, some when I've least expected, some when I've been in most need and some when I didn't know I needed them at all. Regardless of their timeing, looking back, they were always there when I needed them the most during that part of my life.
I've said many times before, I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe people are no exception. So back to the question that started it all - "Can I be me without my past?" Yes and No. My past would not exist if were not for me, but without it I still could. With it I am just a bit more colorful than before.

Are your friends there for a reason, season or a lifetime and are you better for it?