Back to Basics

When I started blogging 4 years ago, that home was my outlet. I didn't do it for comments. I didn't do it for visitors, I didn't pay attention to site hits. I didn't publicize to my friends and family what I did and I did not give the world proof that it was Me and not just someone who resembled me.

What I did however was speak honestly and from the heart. I talked about what bothered me and while I didn't name drop, everything I wrote then was real and raw. That site is now closed.

A year ago, I decided to move homes and thus began CafeKel, my home where no longer was I struggling with fear of what the future was going to hold, but instead I decided to publicly 'find' myself. Accepting the past for what is was and deciding to go forward and change the things about me I didn't like and improve the things about me that I did like.

I started reading the 'big' name bloggers, I started looking at hit counts and visitors and I wanted comments. Seriously, how else am I supposed to improve me without outside input? All the things "Blogger Success" internet searches brought up became my mantra. Random erratic posting stopped. I ventured outside my comfort zone and began commenting. I put a face to my name and I told friends and family.

In the beginning, I still wrote what I thought, with more structure and more thought, but as more people found out what I did the more I wrote words that were not published. The more my statistics showed my neighbors visiting the more I ventured from 'raw' me into comical anticdotes my children provided. Don't get me wrong, everything I wrote was me, but sometimes it was a bland, diluted version of me.

Even with the less 'in your face' kind of posts, I managed to find my words thrown in my face from someone I had let get close and it hurt. Everything going forward became calculated and MY voice became muted where the things I said were merely actions in a play unfolding around me, until I found myself viewing the daily task of posting as merely an unrewarding chore. I questioned why I did this, who really cared if I did it or not and if perhaps, with life taking the turns it has, if my family wouldn't be better off if I stopped.

In the end....

I enjoy writing. I enjoy the friendships I've made. I look forward to the give and take, the difference of opinions and the amazing, unconditional human spirit I've seen unfold when 'one of us' is in need.

What I don't like is how much I've let myself be silenced for fear of how it would be used against me in the future. Fear - letting myself be dictated by it ... again. Fear - letting it take away the pleasure in the little things.

So....Something's gotta give. I'm making some changes and while I would never intentionally want to hurt someone, sensoring myself out of 'fear' is not where I want to go with this blog....its time to get back to my roots.

To Give

Belle of the Blog is having a most awesome giveaway on her blog that is in keeping with the spirit of the holidays...the spirit of giving. Inspired by Ferrero Chocolate and Share Our Strength, to enter, one must post about an act of kindness they've received and why it touched their lives. I've been fortunate enough to have many angels in my life along the way, but there is one who has a special place in my heart and here's why.

My very first year of college was a difficult one, partly because I was coming out of a difficult time in my life and partly because, well teen years are just plain difficult. I graduated high school and immediately started college, living in the dorm and struggling to make ends meet, I soon found myself working a job at the local mall. I had never worked retail before, but I was in the company of some really amazing ladies and I loved every minute of it. Months went by and I became friends with R who introduced me to her brother Woody. Both R and Woody were older than I and a lot more together than I was so when I found myself homeless, due to the closing of dorms for Christmas break, they opened their home to me.

That winter Woody became like the brother I never had, we talked and he was interested in my thoughts...nothing like the other guys who were interested in anything but my thoughts. Remember I mentioned I wasn't in the best place in my life and due to other circumstances I needed to move out of the dorms(permanently), only problem was I didn't have anyone I could move in with and I needed 1st and last months rent to move into an apartment, money I did not have. After a few weeks of spending time with Woody he offered to give me the money for the down payment on one condition, that I agree to help someone else along the way when I have my act together.

It's easy to look at this little story and see that what he did was perhaps not such a grand gesture, but in truth, it had a bigger impact than he could have known. At that point in my life I was teetering on the edge of a cliff and if I'd have fallen off, there would have been no return. Woody, a guy who barely knew me, took a chance on me. He challenged me to be better than I was at that moment in my life and while I could have just as easily taken the money and ended up a much different person, the fact that he believed in me was enough to give me the courage to step away from the edge of that cliff and get my life back on track.

Woody moved shortly after that christmas and I have not heard from him since then, but I still think fondly of this guy who took a chance on me.

Has someone inspired you with an act of kindness?

'Tis the Beginning ...

...Of the end.

Or so they say with the closing of the presidential elections. I had waited for it to be over - it has been going on now for so very long and I even had planned to not blog about it today, but in listening to all the comments out there, I couldn't help but have a few final thoughts.

So much as been said about this election with regards to race. The first African American president - true he is, but I can't help but think race was not the real issue here. I'm sure race factored into the voting somewhere - but overall, I think it was a non-issue. The state of the US as Barack Obama takes office is in such disarray that the color of his skin will not change any of this. The color of his skin was not what we based our vote on, it was not his platform and it had nothing to do with how he plans to govern this great nation.

All around the radio and news stations, here at home, they were discussing Obama's great feat - and in my opinion, regardless of who would have won last night, regardless of who we each voted for - the person elected would be in for a very tough road ahead full of many hard decisions.

Here's hoping for a much brighter future!

Monday Madness - Election Foe Pa's

it has been a memorable year and I am actually glad to say I've been able to be apart of it...the best part for me has been some of the more comedic moments throughout the campaign (no, I'm not talking SNL, but those are really funny!)

Monday Madness - Election Foe Pa's

1. Sarah Palin Punk'd - Canadian Comedy Duo prank called Sarah Palin and convinces her she is talking to the French President.

2. John McCain gets Stood up - John McCain call's for 'Joe the Plumber' on his first stop of the tour only to find - Joe the Plumber is no where to be found.

3. Stand up Chuck - Joe Biden calls upon Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham to "stand up," despite the fact that he is in a wheelchair.

4. That One - John McCain refers to Barack Obama during his second round of presidential debates as 'That One.'

5. 57 States? - At a campaign event in Oregon Barack Obama says "Now I've been in 57 states - I think theres one more to go."

And remember - Don't forget to Vote!! :)

Forever Changed

It was 7:00pm, I had just finished eating dinner and was getting an evening run in on the treadmill before I headed to my 8:00 standing game of hearts. This was how we usually spent the evenings passing the time...a game of cards on the mess decks, some good natured 'ribbing' and talk about what we would do when we saw land again.

You see, I was on 581 feet of floating steel in the middle of the ocean, serving my country as a communications technician. It had been an ordinary day with the usual activities and an even more ordinary evening up until that point - the moment when everything changed. In one swift flash, the alarms sounded and the ship was a flurry of activity as people ran to and from their previous destinations. We all were acutely aware of what had to happen when the alarms sounded despite what we did not know was going on.

In the few minutes it took me to get to where I needed to be, there was little anyone knew, there were more questions than answers at that time. We were told there had been an attack on the world trade center and the reports were still coming in. They would let us know as news was made available. We were shutting down Internet access to limit the users and they would distribute all information as it came in.

There is nothing like being in a pitch black room trying to find your way around. We were blind to everything going on around and left to our imaginations - you can bet the worst we could imagine had already been addressed and was expanding. Not knowing how bad it was, but knowing something was very, very wrong because of what we were being expected to do out there was a very scary feeling.

Three days passed and during that time all we had were written accounts of what had happened and what was happening. Pictures were limited, video footage was none - security in our area of operation was heightened and things were changing drastically. Finally, we received a video tape of the news footage that had been recorded from another ship at the time and it was broadcast over the internal system. I can still remember sitting there, glued to the tv, much like I imagine many others were when it happened. As each incredible image flashed on the screen the realizations were made that things would never be the same again.

It's been 7 years since that time and yet, today the memory is just as fresh as it was yesterday. I don't imagine many people will ever forget that day or the feelings they felt. Life changes in the blink of an eye, little moments affect us and change us just as much as the big moments in our lives - for me, I realized just how important it is to say I love you to those who matter to me and that the human spirit is an amazing thing when we all bond together and lay our differences aside.

September 11 - God bless us all!

Lyrics to Life

Music has been around for as far back as people can imagine - people sing for happy occasions, they sing for sad, they sing to make the work pass and they sing just because. Music is a form of self expression. It's been said that music is most link to memory recognition...it can transport you or bring them to the surface faster than many other methods.

So today I ask - what's your Life play list? If you had to sum it up what would best convey who you are?

Over the years I've had a few - they've seen me thru the good and the bad and the ugly, here's a few:

• Closing Time by Semisonic
  "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"
  (Just learning about life)
  

• Angel by Sarah McLachlan
  "Spend all your time waiting for that second chance For the break that will make it OK"
  (First taste of bitter sweet love)
  

• In My Daughters Eyes by Martin McBride
  "She was sent to rescue me - I see who I wanna be"
  (Birth of my first daughter, changed my life)
  

• When I'm gone by 3 doors down
  "There's another world inside of me that you may never see"
  (First taste of war)
  

While each one of these has it's place and invokes memories of the person that once was, that is not who I am today. Perhaps remnants of me still exists somewhere, but if I was going to choose just one song then this would be it (click on the title to hear it):

Before It's Too Late
Goo Goo Dolls

I wonder through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

And hold on before it's too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

Hold on before its too late
We'll run til we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it
Love til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it's gone

What is YOUR song?

That's Mrs. Jealousy to you...

...Wife to Mr. Insecure, daughter of Anger and sister to fear.

Around here I try to be pretty frank with my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts - what you have never heard about though is my take on jealousy. Recently, another woman brought to my attention some jealousy issues they were having with me - I was shocked.

Seriously, is it possible to be 'jealous' of me when I am not involved in their life outside of the Internet?


It made me stop and think - and yes, it is possible because I have faced the exact same thing, a while back. Let me recap a bit...

I met my husband roughly 5 years ago (I'll spare you the sordid details, but he was getting separated from his wife, mother of his child when we decided to get together) and we started on a rocky road. It was a friend thing, meant to be not much more than something fun while it lasted (who knew we would end up here.) I was a mom and she was my priority - he had a son and an ex-wife he still was very close to. Over time our 'friendship' evolved into a relationship, but I never made that cross into his personal/family life. Translate, I never met his family, he had conversations with his ex-wife and I was usually in another room. He saw his son often, but rarely (if ever) was I around his child. A year and a half into this relationship, I was transitioning out of the Navy so I moved in with him to save on housing costs...moved into the house he and his ex once shared. This is when Jealousy reared it's ugly head.

I couldn't help but think every time I looked around that she had been here, she had painted this or that - it didn't help that I repainted some things, changed out the carpet, rearranged furniture - it was still part hers. During this time she became pregnant and my hub was a "listening ear" for her. Oh boy, did I struggle with that one. Not only did she have his son (I wanted to have his child and he did not) but she got to have another one and he was very sympathetic to her cause. She even got to talk to his mother and sister - I'd been with the man for 2 years and never been allowed to do that. (*note, neither had I asked to) Basically I had built this woman into everything I was not during that time and she was one amazing person.

What I had failed to realize was that she was flawed just like me and because I didn't know her - I could make her out to be my worst enemy. Was she, No. Once I realized this, life became much simpler. Was it done over night - no. It's taken us 5 years, but each day it is a little stronger.

In an effort to combat the issues I delt with, when I realized DQ's bio-father was married and having another child - I offered to her a chance to get to know me, it was also a chance for me to get to know the person who might, one day, be apart of my child's life. Oddly enough, she too has faced/is facing her own issues - "I was jealous of you because you had something with him that I did not. You had experiences with him first, that I got to have second." Sound familiar?? I could have written those words myself once upon a time.

Wikipedia lists jealousy as:

Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival.

I asked a few friends for their thoughts on jealousy in their lives
Jaysey: in long term relationship

Jaysey said she she had not been jealous of any previous women in her boyfriends life, but had experienced it with a previous relationship of hers.

• And I was jealous of the women in his past--pretty much all of them--even though I'd never met most of them.

When asked: Do you think jealousy becomes more of an issue or less of an issue with age?

• I don't really think age matters. Well, I sorta take that back now--I think some of it may be maturity, but I think most of it is trust and respect and whether or not you're truly with the right person.

Jenn: Married

Jenn said when asked if she had experienced jealousy with women in her husbands past

• I wouldn't say I was jealous, but his ex-wife definitely made me uncomfortable.

When asked: Do you think jealousy is something that can be overcome in a relationship or do you think you either have it or you don't?

• It can definitely be overcome! I think some people get jealous when they feel insecure. If their partner can take steps to make them feel secure and loved and special, I think the jealousy usually goes away for those people. I think it's much harder for people who have an innately jealous nature. Those people have to make a conscious decision to change, and that's tough.

Apryl: the hubs ex-wife (who has been kind in helping me expand my views on extended families)
Said she doesn't remember ever being been jealous of another woman

When asked: What is your take on extended/blended families?

• Extended families RULE!!! More to Love!!! Yes, I've always felt this way!

Three women, three very different view points from three different experiences and they've all had to deal with their own 'issues' of insecurity. Not each one was jealous, but they learned to accept it for what it was worth and continue on. I'm not saying all women are jealous, but I think jealousy is linked largely in part to the unknown.

It's easy to create images of the 'perfect' other people who came before us and even though we know they weren't perfect (because the relationships didn't last) I think we secretly measure our own insecurities against what we perceive about them. Jealousy is not a friendly person - but if you are brave enough to face it, then you are surely going to defeat it.

Have you dealt with Jealousy in your life?

Finding My Identity

Over lunch today, a conversation ensued regarding the hubs disbelief that I could 'pay' someone for running advice when he [the hub] specialized in this in college, has a degree in the subject, has personal and coaching experience and knows me better than this stranger. I obviously do not care for his opinion when I go out and do this and yet come back to "give him a play by play and rub it in his face."

It was hard to hear these words because they stung, truth is that I care very much about the hubs opinions on the subject, I just do not want to be 'coached' by the hub. Contrary to his popular belief, it does not have much to with him but everything to do with my own personal flaws. These are the things I am aware of, but try desperately try to hide. I will go so far as to allow someone to think the wrong idea so that I do not have to point out my weakness.

This is not how it is supposed to be, but it is how I am.

Problem: I do not know who I am. (There, I said it.) I am many things, but at the core of who I am, I don't know. This is a struggle I've been dealing with for many years now without any real answers. I can tell you that thru all of this, I have found many things that I am not but not the one thing that I am. I seek the answers only to find that I desperately cling to anything I can call "my own" until I can define what my own is. The hub, on the other hand, is very comfortable in his own skin, sure of who he is and what he wants so he cannot fully understand this dilemma I have.

Identity is your backgrounds and genetics, culture and religion, traditions and hobbies. It is what makes you. (wikipedia)

It is said that "To know who you are, you need to first come to know who you are NOT." For me, that is the easy part. I was adopted when I was a year old and raised by a family who did not hide the fact that I was adopted. I was raised in a town where my biological family resided and everyone around me knew who I was and where I began this life. I was not part of the family I was raised, I didn't look like these people, I didn't share the same gene pool, for all intense purposes I wasn't in the age group as any of the other kids either. I was just...me.
Eventually I came to know my bio-family members, but by then I was 18 and I was not like them either. I looked like these people, but 18 yrs had provided a certain way of thinking and these people did not share the same ideas. A decade after the fact, I know these people, but I do not necessarily think of them as family or as my own.

So how do you begin to define yourself, to know yourself if you don't know (don't associate) with any beginning or perhaps associate with multiple beginnings?

For me, having a past such as this allowed me the opportunity to redefine myself many times over. Each time I learned what I was not - I was able to throw caution to the wind and change paths. The problem with 'growing older' is that eventually your backpack becomes a tote which turns into luggage and massive self-redefining changes aren't really conducive to that environment. I can admit that with each change I've taken valuable lessons from who I was and who I'd like to be, sort of like a piece of the puzzle of who I want to be. I've collected many of these over the years and today I am trying to figure out where they go and how each one fits.

What I struggle to find, is the words to convey to the hub (as well as myself) that I'm not finished. I am a work in progress and even though I am older, a little wiser and a lot more determined I am still a piece of everything I once was, which means I still don't know how to not rush to the ending and skip over the middle. I am looking for what defines me, what one thing will flip that switch so the light bulb shines brightly and I can say - this is me.

I don't know if this is a pipe dream or if I am living in reality with this grand notion of "me," but that hasn't stopped me from trying. I have goals that allow me to define the direction in which I am moving at this moment...I may continue down this path long term and I might find something along the way that detours me onto a new path. I struggle to find my inner identity, my voice. To define who I am in relation to who I want to be. I just find it hard to define myself when I see so much of myself in the hub. In all fairness, I can't say this is the hubs fault, because I've always found it easier to fight the pull of authority/more knowledgeable people. It's not that I think I know better, I just want to know both sides before I make a decision.

Do you know who you are? Want to be? Have you struggled with 'finding yourself?'

New Beginnings

Today is my 2 year anniversary with blogging - I'm starting fresh, again. It all started two years ago, but I feel like my time has come to spread my wings a little and venture out, maybe even grow. Truth is, that in the past two years I've grown quite a bit, even when I thought I was standing still...I was in full motion.

My blog has watched my relationship blossom from that of a struggling/drowning relationship to a full fledged marriage. He is my best friend and my foundation, I could not imagine my life without him in it. My blog has been filled with the many trials and tribulations that come being a first time parent. Although, I don't believe being a parent for the second (or third, fourth, etc) time become any easier. It's been there for my daughters first day of school, for new jobs, new friends, and even the birth of my second child.

It hasn't always been good - together we've shared the pain of betrayal, the insecurities of being a single parent, the pain of learning to let go and move forward, fear of not being able to control circumstances and just simply - the unknown. No, it has not always been easy to share my thoughts so openly, but for each small step I've grown.

I've learned in the past 2 years that I am not always right, that hind sight really is 20/20, trust is a precious thing that can easily be broken but love can heal. I've learned that giving in does not always equal giving up, that to let the past go you have to acknowledge it's existance, holding a grudge hurts yourself more than you realize and that letting go is harder than saying "I forgive you."

I don't have anymore clarity for what the future holds than I had when I started this such a short while ago, I do however, understand that I am human and I will make mistakes, I will stumble, I will get up, keep going and sometimes, I too, will succeed. There are no guarantees in life, today is my now and I should embrace it because who knows what tomorrow might bring.

So here's to new beginnings...may the next few years be as exciting, adventurous, revealing and overall insightful as the last!
~K