Fuzzy Pink Cuffs

In honor of the upcoming Valentines Holiday I thought I would provide you with a little story about LOVE!



Once upon a time there lived a young man and a young woman very much in love.

They had a wonderful courtship, full of fabulous hotel suites, dressy parties and cleverly named drinks.

The young woman was madly in love with this handsome young man, so much so that she agreed to let him 'tie' her up with the fuzzy pink handcuffs purchased earlier that day.
It was a magical night.

Time passed, the couple grew older and still their loved continued, so they decided to make it official and said "I DO" in the presence of their friends and family.

The celebration was grand, good times had by all and at the end of the night the newly married husband pulled out the 'fuzzy pink cuffs' he had been saving for that 'special occasion.'

His new bride could not have been happier.

Time continued to creep past, babies were born, toddlers grew to young children, careers were built and soccer games attended. But one day while cleaning out the closet, the wife stumbled upon the long forgotten 'fuzzy pink cuffs' and thought...ooh, now wouldn't this be fun?!

She went about the rest of the day excited with anticipation until finally the time came for this long married couple to kiss goodnight and crawl into bed.

She waited until her husband was comfy and then leaned over to him and said in her most 'sexy' voice....
"Honey, can I tie you up?"

Without opening his eyes the husband said to her...
"You already put a ball and chain on me...isn't that good enough for you woman?"

Happy Valentines Day - I hope it's one to remember!!

Men Children

I love you daddy.

I love you too DQ - Burp

Awe mommy...daddy burped in my hair.

Ha ha, giggle giggle, ha ha

Mom, make him stop...it's not funny

Sure it is....you have BURP HAIR.

DAD - it's not funny, its gross.

ha ha, DQ has BURP hair.

Mom...he's looking at my burp hair, make him stop!

giggle giggle, burp hair...I think I can see it...come here and I'll wipe it off.

Dad you're so gross!

Ah, the joys of having more than one child in my house - the hub child and the daughter child!

Is your house this crazy or am I the lucky winner of such family love??

***Please excuse my mess...there are some changes going on behind the blog...it will be corrected shortly.

The Troll

Dear Troll,

I was willing to let it go, walk away and that be it. But every time I turn around you take a digg. You want to digg...then fine, but you should know that for all the crap you talk about 'blogging' and what I do here, you need to realize that you're doing it.

Yes, that's right YOU! You assume I spend my time talking about you when in fact...um, I don't. You come here and hide in the shadows, lurk just beyond the martini glass and drink in every word I put here. You report it to those around you and fuel your theory that I'm a bad person, I'm a b**ch, or whatever you choose to say about me that day. Yeah, I know when you visit here - I know how long you spend here and what you read.

I could go on but there's no need. You're a troll and will always do as trolls do...lurk behind the Internet. Have fun reading this and if you ever decide you want to say something TO me instead of ABOUT me, I'll be around.

Not afraid to speak my mind...
~K

***This is intended not for the general population of lurkers out there, yeah you over there HI, if you have no idea what I'm talking about then its not you, but feel free to say say HI back...I don't bite! :)

Anger.

Red.

Pissed Off.

It's funny how my mood can go from exhausted and barely able to form a fully comprehensible thought to all of the above in mere seconds. Funny how, I was wallowing in my own pity with a cupcake one moment and sick to my stomach from the fury I felt in the next.

Drama has a funny way of finding you when you least expect it. Drama has a funny way of sneaking into your life when you are trying to avoid it.

Drama - you better hope you've got more than drama when you come knocking on my door, because it's not welcome in my home!

Fallen Hero

A Hero is defined as many things:

-Distinguished courage
-Regarded as a model
-Special characteristics that set them apart from others

My hero was all of this in my eyes. No, they did not have super human powers, they couldn't fly nor did they leap tall buildings in a single bound, in the eyes of a child there was nothing they couldn't do, they were infallible...until now.

Growing up we cling to what is familiar and hold on to the belief that happy endings are more than fairy tales, at least I did. Eventually life happens and we realize pumpkins do not turn in to stage coaches and rarely is our prince going to come whisk us out of our 'maid' quarters and into the palace without judgement. Innocence is lost and we see the light, but heroes...heroes can live beyond any story or tragic ending because they are larger than life.

I'm not sure why I chose this particular hero, perhaps because they were the only 'normal' thing in my life at the time, but I did and because of it my life was forever different. Story book heroes are not real, meaning they influence us from afar because they are a story. Sports, political and other influential people influence our lives by making us want to be better...we don't often time get to interact with them so we try to emulate what we believe them to be.

In my case, this hero was neither. They were very much real and very much someone I knew, because of this 'larger than life' image I believed of them I found myself small and incompetent in their shadow. I have spent my life believing at every turn I would never measure up because I wasn't 'good enough' no matter what I did. I believed this until the day my hero fell...the day they became my equal.

When my hero fell, the hardest part was not accepting they were human, but learning to accept the standard by which I judged myself was flawed. In the same instant the 'bar' came crashing down, I began to understand I too had grown up and was seeing them for the first time as a peer.

The day my hero fell was the day I learned I am good enough.

Do YOU still believe in HEROES?

Dear Lost

Dear Lost,

You called the other day and after many 'unanswered' calls I finally picked up. The conversation had been played in your head many times, only this time it wasn't your script that you were hearing, but the silence on the other end of line - silence that mirrored how empty I felt as I listened to you talk.

What was wrong with me? I usually have so much to say in return, the words of wisdom, the antics to lighten the mood and make it all seem better than it really is - my ability to find the silver lining hiding within that dark, monsterous cloud.

I had none.

Instead as I listened to you talk, listened to you go on about how bad things were, how terribly wrong everything had gone in your life - there was no empathy, no sympathy - nothing but the hard, cold anger coming from somewhere deep within. Some place I did not even realize had give birth to such bitterness.

I knew, some time ago, things were going down for you and I could not face how I felt - I could not pretend to smile in the face of it all, so I stepped back and just stopped. Over and over in your life, time after time, again and again you have faced this same crap - it seems to always be just around the next corner and when life starts to get better, you manage to find your share of crap hiding under a rock.

I tried with you - I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, I tried to support you because that is what I thought I was supposed to do, but one day you took that away from me. In an instant, your blind rage ripped the rose colored glasses off my face and left me hurt and humiliated. I have never fully forgiven you for that day. It is this seed that has grown over time, this tiny little speck of nothing that has turned into so much more. It was this action that has found the equal and opposite reaction of today.

I know all too well just how difficult this time of year is for people, how lonely it can be. I do not know if you hoped I would open my doors to you - welcome you into the warmth of my world to shelter you from the storm now brewing in your own, but I did not. A mere passing thought, as I listened to you talk that in the end was met with three solitary words.

I. Am. Sorry.

I am sorry for all that you have gone thru. I am sorry for all the pain in your life. I am sorry that you chose to make bad choices when you felt you had none other to make. I am sorry that you feel so alone with so many around you. I am sorry I cannot, no, will not, give more to you than what I can give at this moment.

I Love you from the depths of my soul and it is because of this that I can only say I am sorry. We all must find our way, carve our path, and lie in the bed of choices we have made. Those were your choices to make and now I too must do what is best for me and my family. Choices I do not know if you understand yet, but hopefully one day you will.

I know you love me too - it is evident in the way you put on a brave front when I did not respond as you had hoped. Evident because you did not ask, even though you know I would have a hard time saying No. Evident because you have chosen to move forward as best you know how.

The time will come when my anger subsides and it is all right again. The time will come when I can give more of myself to you, more energy, more sympathy, more of what you need. The time will come - it always does.

Only in Time,
~K

And the jokes on me

The hub is a very smart man, granted he is not perfect and has been known to completely do something goofy, but in general I can count on him for anything.

Being the 'loving wife' that I am (*cough cough*) when my hub came home boasting that he found his dream computer (dream computer for now) I decided I would buy it for him and surprise him with it. It was a custom built, monster with all the bells and whistles he could imagine. A few weeks go by and true to form, I tell him about it and he is as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning.

The day arrives that I am supposed to pick it up but as soon as I get to work I realize that I forgot the money (envelope with cash in it) at home. I don't typically pay with cash, but I couldn't find my checkbook to this account so I just stopped by the bank the day before and make a withdrawal. This much cash makes me nervous...I set in in a safe place at home and completely forgot about it.

The hub comes to work about an hour or so later than I do so I sent him a quick text message "Bring me the money for your computer when you come to work."

About an hour later I get a phone call ...

Hub - Hey.... I made a mistake.

Me - Really? What might that be? (Thinking he forgot something for DQ)

Hub - Yeah, remember how I needed to stop by the post office and mail my ballot...?

Me - Um, yeah.

Hub - Well....you see...I had both envelopes

Me - Don't even finish that sentence, if you're going to say what I think your going to say.

Hub - They were upside down and I accidental

put the wrong one in the box.

Me - OMG - seriously?

Hub - yep, I'm sorry

Me - Which post office are you at?

Hub - It was this one on Main Street and I need to get to work and they are not open.

Me - OMG - that was cash in an unmarked envelope...holy crap. You better hope they give it back, I'll be there in a minute to wait for someone to get there.

Hub - *chuckling* Nah, I didn't really do it, but I almost did...isn't it funny! hahahaha

Me - No, this is not funny!

Hub - Yes, it is funny...do you still want your money or do you want me to hold on to it?

Me - I'll take it.

Yes, people...my hub tried to give me a heart attack by claiming he had 'mailed' away my money. I was not a happy camper to say the least and he had officially signed his death warrant...sometimes, I hate that he is a jokester!

What's the worst joke someone has played on you?

Monday Madness - Football

School has started back up and Fall is in the air which means sports season is in full swing - specifically Football for most households. Mine is no different...the hub is a football fanatic and I, well - I am not so much. Funny thing is that I used to be a cheerleader and spent many nights at football games - now, well, I just don't get that excited watching it on T.V. - get to a game though and I'm all in. The hub on the other hand is quite an interesting species when this time of year rolls around...from what I can tell, many people change when this time of year rolls around.

Monday Madness - Football

1. Snacks - Chips, dips & Beer. There is something about a game on the TV which requires the need of Chips, Dips and Beer to be readily available each and every Sunday. All other food is null and void (with the exception of perhaps chicken wings) these are the standard Sunday staple.
(I like these snacks too, but every, single, sunday during the season...they get a little old!)

2. Support - Wearing of the Jersey. The hub specifically, has a few Jerseys of his favorite teams, he will invariably change the Jersey to match the team he is watching/supporting. Our friends are Jersey wearers too and will don them to support their teams while watching them on TV...not in person at the game.
(I don't get it, the team will not know if your wearing it and just because he is wearing the jersey, it will not make the team win.)

3. Sunday - Games are an all day affair. It is not "lets just watch team X play." Oh no, that would be too simple, instead lets watch game, after game, after game. Not all of them are favorites, but they are ALL football games therefore they all fall under the realm of "Watching."
(Seriously...all day? Can't the channel be changed to something else at sometime during the day?)

What is YOUR football routine?

Monday Madness - Home Repairs

At some point in time we've all thought "I can fix that." No I'm not talking about filling in a hole in the wall, but more along the lines of replacing a light fixture, maybe some simple plumbing like replacing a faucet so it's not leaky or maybe even fixing a broken door. I was always one of 'those' girls who NEVER did these things...I lived in apartments that had maintenance and thoroughly enjoyed being able to call these men when I had an issue. Now however, I have a house that requires upgrades and updates and all things maintenance related. In honor of this I give you Monday Madness Home Repairs

1. Cost - Why are the simplest little pieces so expensive?
I want a little rubber gasket to fix a leaky faucet and it cost $5 for a teeny tiny piece of rubber? My other options are to replace the entire faucet...not so cost effective...I'd rather spend the $5.

2. Simplicity - It's NEVER simple.
It doesn't matter how easy the Home Network on TV makes it look (or the fact they can do it in 30 minutes) because it will take all day just to do what takes them 10 minutes (not including the cursing and stomping that will ensue out of frustration.

3. Parts - Can it not come with all the parts needed when purchased?
You shop for a good deal and when you finally find the one you want (in your price range) it turnes out you also need hoses, nozzles, clips, caulking and stoppers (which cost as much as the stupid upgrade)

4. Completing - Is it possible to ever be done?
Nope, there is always something else, even if you get done and say NEVER AGAIN...you will, eventually do it again.

**Disclaimer** I have to note, that I have a wonderful husband who graciously does the home repairs and never asks me to help. I complain at the madness, however he is a master home repairer (and has learned its cheaper and easier to do it himself, because if his wife has to do it....it's going to get ugly and he'll have to do it again anyway!)

What is your Home Repair Pet Peeve?

Smile - It does a body good

Once again it is dark and raining outside. Thunder and lightening flash overhead as I sit beneath the florescent lights still wanting to crawl back into bed. Despite all this, I am going to believe today will be better than yesterday because I want to. I want to say thank you to everyone who left encouraging words yesterday - it was much appreciated.

It has got me to thinking though, at all the little ways simple things touch and brighten our lives.

Mail -I am an Internet junkie. I live by instant communications - email, instant messaging, tweeting, texting etc. My family communicates most often in this method, but at heart I am a snail mail kind of girl. Rarely are there days when I go to the mail box and see a hand written note that has been postage stamped in my box, usually it's the notes that say "You've won..." or "You've been pre-approved" or "Please pay..." - you know, the typical mail. But on those rare occasions I get those cards or "just thinking of you notes" my day seems a bit brighter.

Just Us - The hub and I are fairly geeky (he more than I) but it is this shared love of geekiness that has given us something just ours. We have spent so much of out time in front of a computer for so long that we often think differently. We don't just see numbers and letters in their original definition...we see letters made out of numbers, we see words in symbols, we see meaning in code. One of the things the hub started doing a few years ago was leaving little notes that were comprised of 143. The first time I saw this I thought, hum, one hundred and forty-three...what does he mean? I thought about it and it took a bit, but I understood. 143 = I love you (the number of letters per word.) He's done this for many years now and it still brings a smile to my face when I see them at the end of an email or in a random text message or just on a sticky note left somewhere for me to find.

Random Acts of Kindness - I hear these stories and sometimes I get to experience these stories first hand. I'm talking about the random acts of kindness like paying the toll for the person behind you, buying a cup of coffee for the person who looks like they've had one of those days(weeks), or giving someone some roadside assistance when it looks like they can't do it for themselves. These stories fill the web-ways, but how often does this really happen? In today's society...I at least, am a little leery of strangers and wonder what they want in return.

For example, my crazy neighbor is always trying to get near our house to take a peak inside. (She once lived in our house years ago) Anyhow, we tried to start off on the right foot, but a few incidents later we dubbed her the crazy lady and usually we interact very little. This summer she planted a garden which was full of veggies. The great tomato outbreak occurred and she saw an opportunity to 'sell' her home grown tomatoes to passersby. A few days later, I thought about stopping by to purchase some, but got busy and forgot. A little later that evening, I heard a knock on the door and what did I have, but a bag of tomatoes. I have to admit these were some very yummy tomatoes. About 2 weeks later my daughter comes in the house with a basket full of tomatoes and peppers and such from the neighbor. Well there was more than we could eat and I didn't want them to go bad so I decided to make a batch of salsa (we eat this stuff year round.) Because the neighbor had been so gracious with her veggies I sent a jar back to her house with the basket. She loved it and asked if I could make her a BIG batch. Now, I didn't have to share, but I did. There is just something about a homemade pie, cake, jar of jam, jar of salsa or whatever that says I was thinking about you.

Perhaps it was how I was raised - my mother was a homemaker and we regularly 'shared' with neighbors and strangers alike. It was never something that was expected but it was always appreciated. I wonder if the world would be a different place if more people thought that way?

What are the special things that make you smile?

BTW: My friend is hosting a Venus Embrace give away over at JandJacres. Be sure to stop by!!

Infidelity

The news has been littered with John Edwards affair and the aftermath that is his life. Yesterday, in fact, there was an article on MSN that was titled "Edwards' wife in anguish after affair." This struck a chord with me in the fact that even if we do not deal with infidelity directly, the odds that it will touch our lives in some fashion is likely.

Over at "On the Flip Side" Kellan posted a question "What would you do if you Found out your husband was cheating?" After all the comments were in, most people agreed their first instinct would be to kick him to the curb, but in the end would rather attempt to work it out and stay with their husband.

For me, I've seen the issue from both sides. I've been the friend who's watched a marriage crumble because my friend made a mistake. Her husband never did trust her quite the same, nor did she trust him. She always thought he would 'cheat' just to get even with her and he always thought she was cheating, even though she wasn't. Their relationship didn't survive and now they have moved on with their lives.

In my own personal life, years ago (before my husband and I were married or had discussed marriage) we went through a rough patch. I have always said relationships are hard work - this one is no different. We had been together for about 2 years and had endured living together, working together, ex-spouses, very young children, natural disasters and just all around really bad times...we had finally reached our breaking point and yet, neither one of us said "lets walk away, lets call it quits." Instead, we moved our families into separate states and attempted to carry on some semblance of a long distance relationship. I felt that things were wrong between us, but I wanted to believe we would come out of it ok, perhaps some time and distance apart would make the heart grow fonder. (I am a bit of a romantic) The hub (then boyfriend) also knew things weren't going so well and had decided to go his own way, one little problem, he 'forgot' to tell me. So yes, he cheated on me.

I never knew. I went along in my own little cocoon because that is what I wanted to know, needed to believe despite all the other signs. To this day, I doubt I would have ever known had he not decided to tell me the truth. Shortly before he 'popped' the question, he called me one night and started with the dreaded "I need to tell you something..." My heart stopped - I knew what was coming even before he said it. It didn't matter the reasons or the who or any of the rest - in that instant my world cracked, but it didn't shatter. Yes, I was hurt, I was angry - how dare he do this to me after the time and energy we've invested into this relationship. If he wanted out, why didn't he just say so?

Those were the questions I wanted answers to...why didn't he just leave? In the end it came down to one thing...Do I love this man? Do I love this man enough to forgive him?

Yes.

No I wasn't married to him so we could have gone our separate ways without much hassle, but personally I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. Doing some of the things I've done in my life, especially from a military standpoint, I've watched men and women alike throw caution to the wind and follow their desires. I know first hand that we are only human and we make mistakes. I believe the key to getting past this however is forgiveness for yourself and your partner.

I don't believe there are things we can do to prevent infidelity despite what some say is the reason behind it. If we gave them more attention, showed more love, praised more - I don't think these things will actually prevent someone from cheating. It might delay the process, but I believe that if the lines of communication are broken in a relationship and you can't talk to your partner about what is bothering you, then how could you ever expect them to make you feel better? I am a firm believer that no one is responsible for your happiness but you and if you are not happy, no one person or one thing will be able to fix it but you.

Trust is a fragile thing and once it's broken it is never quite the same. For my relationship though, I loved this man enough to work through it and today we are stronger - however if he ever does it again...

Human Nature

I often wonder if our human nature is really as flawed as people make it sound? If you read the paper or watch the news there is so much going on around us to make us question it, it would be hard to think of it as anything but flawed. But then there are glimmers of hope in which it is obvious people out there are not inherently evil, but can have compassion for others without an alternate motive in mind.

I am not saying that I believe people are perfect, I know we are human and can only do so much, but for the most part I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, until given a reason otherwise. Right now, I think I am facing that reason in a situation and I'm not entirely sure I want to believe it.

I am not always a very trusting person, however I have pretty good instincts and can usually gauge how much trust to give. There are time the sirens go off and the lights flash and I choose to ignore them because I want to believe this person is good - unfortunately I typically end up with the result I originally thought would happen.

I recently rediscovered an old 'friend' via the Internet and we began chatting. We shared a few conversations but they were limited to what information they could see via our social medium. I think this lack of information prompted a 'friend' request. They were able to then see photos and all other 'personal' content I keep hidden from the public view. Within 3 days I noticed I no longer had them as a friend, however they had copied a photo from my site and uploaded it to their own.

I am not entirely sure what to think of this. I want to think this was an 'accident' and not intentional however my instincts are screaming otherwise. What I don't understand is why? Why would they do this? Why take a photo of something they clearly have no desire for? Why say the things and act as if they care if they really do not?

I am not perfect, I do remember a conversation a little bit ago where someone said something very similar to me and all I could try to explain was that they were mistaken - it wasn't any of that at all. Perhaps this is my karma or perhaps this is nothing more than what it seems. The sad thing is that I see quite often how deceitful a persons nature can be when hidden behind a computer. It's almost as if this is their shield and it's not wrong because they aren't really doing it. Perhaps it gives them the illusion of not being accountable because they never have to leave the comfort of their own home.

I don't know, but maybe I should pay more attention to my instincts in the future.

Have you encountered a fake persona on the Internet by someone you thought you knew?

That's Mrs. Jealousy to you...

...Wife to Mr. Insecure, daughter of Anger and sister to fear.

Around here I try to be pretty frank with my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts - what you have never heard about though is my take on jealousy. Recently, another woman brought to my attention some jealousy issues they were having with me - I was shocked.

Seriously, is it possible to be 'jealous' of me when I am not involved in their life outside of the Internet?


It made me stop and think - and yes, it is possible because I have faced the exact same thing, a while back. Let me recap a bit...

I met my husband roughly 5 years ago (I'll spare you the sordid details, but he was getting separated from his wife, mother of his child when we decided to get together) and we started on a rocky road. It was a friend thing, meant to be not much more than something fun while it lasted (who knew we would end up here.) I was a mom and she was my priority - he had a son and an ex-wife he still was very close to. Over time our 'friendship' evolved into a relationship, but I never made that cross into his personal/family life. Translate, I never met his family, he had conversations with his ex-wife and I was usually in another room. He saw his son often, but rarely (if ever) was I around his child. A year and a half into this relationship, I was transitioning out of the Navy so I moved in with him to save on housing costs...moved into the house he and his ex once shared. This is when Jealousy reared it's ugly head.

I couldn't help but think every time I looked around that she had been here, she had painted this or that - it didn't help that I repainted some things, changed out the carpet, rearranged furniture - it was still part hers. During this time she became pregnant and my hub was a "listening ear" for her. Oh boy, did I struggle with that one. Not only did she have his son (I wanted to have his child and he did not) but she got to have another one and he was very sympathetic to her cause. She even got to talk to his mother and sister - I'd been with the man for 2 years and never been allowed to do that. (*note, neither had I asked to) Basically I had built this woman into everything I was not during that time and she was one amazing person.

What I had failed to realize was that she was flawed just like me and because I didn't know her - I could make her out to be my worst enemy. Was she, No. Once I realized this, life became much simpler. Was it done over night - no. It's taken us 5 years, but each day it is a little stronger.

In an effort to combat the issues I delt with, when I realized DQ's bio-father was married and having another child - I offered to her a chance to get to know me, it was also a chance for me to get to know the person who might, one day, be apart of my child's life. Oddly enough, she too has faced/is facing her own issues - "I was jealous of you because you had something with him that I did not. You had experiences with him first, that I got to have second." Sound familiar?? I could have written those words myself once upon a time.

Wikipedia lists jealousy as:

Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival.

I asked a few friends for their thoughts on jealousy in their lives
Jaysey: in long term relationship

Jaysey said she she had not been jealous of any previous women in her boyfriends life, but had experienced it with a previous relationship of hers.

• And I was jealous of the women in his past--pretty much all of them--even though I'd never met most of them.

When asked: Do you think jealousy becomes more of an issue or less of an issue with age?

• I don't really think age matters. Well, I sorta take that back now--I think some of it may be maturity, but I think most of it is trust and respect and whether or not you're truly with the right person.

Jenn: Married

Jenn said when asked if she had experienced jealousy with women in her husbands past

• I wouldn't say I was jealous, but his ex-wife definitely made me uncomfortable.

When asked: Do you think jealousy is something that can be overcome in a relationship or do you think you either have it or you don't?

• It can definitely be overcome! I think some people get jealous when they feel insecure. If their partner can take steps to make them feel secure and loved and special, I think the jealousy usually goes away for those people. I think it's much harder for people who have an innately jealous nature. Those people have to make a conscious decision to change, and that's tough.

Apryl: the hubs ex-wife (who has been kind in helping me expand my views on extended families)
Said she doesn't remember ever being been jealous of another woman

When asked: What is your take on extended/blended families?

• Extended families RULE!!! More to Love!!! Yes, I've always felt this way!

Three women, three very different view points from three different experiences and they've all had to deal with their own 'issues' of insecurity. Not each one was jealous, but they learned to accept it for what it was worth and continue on. I'm not saying all women are jealous, but I think jealousy is linked largely in part to the unknown.

It's easy to create images of the 'perfect' other people who came before us and even though we know they weren't perfect (because the relationships didn't last) I think we secretly measure our own insecurities against what we perceive about them. Jealousy is not a friendly person - but if you are brave enough to face it, then you are surely going to defeat it.

Have you dealt with Jealousy in your life?

Speak now...

...or forever hold your peace.

The most emphasized line in a movie-sized wedding because that is when someone inevitably brings all unsaid fears to light. But in real life does this happen?

Ok, I am not so much talking about the "wedding scene" per se, but more the moment when someone says what everyone else is thinking and just not saying it.

For example:
Guy: "I finally asked Suzy for her phone number and she gave it to me.
Buddy: "That's great it took you long enough, what's it been like 3 months?"
Guy: "More like 4, but I didn't know what to say.
Buddy: "Well good for you, you going to ask her out next week?"
Guy: "Nope, I called her last night and left a message, do you think it would be bad if called her again this evening to make sure she got my message?"
Buddy: "Yeah, you're totally going to scare her...are you desperate or something?"

While I'm not quite that bad (I get my ideas from somewhere, right?!) I am generally the person who speaks her mind, typically saying the thoughts most others are thinking. Depending on the situation I either elicit riotous laughter or wide eyed stares of disbelief. My intention is never to be malicious (although I have been known to make a few painful jabs) my remarks are merely the obvious as seen by me.

Case and point:

Guy comes in complaining every day for two weeks about something new each day. On the start of the third week he says "I don't want to hear anyone's complaints about this but..." and in chimes me "Neither do we, but everyday we listen to you."

No, This instance did not warrant the response from me that it got, but I have a habit of holding my tongue until eventually it just kind of spills over. I think things like this all day long, I've gotten pretty good at keeping them to myself except on these occasions where they slip out. Lately I've been getting worse-it happens more often.

My wonder now is should I apologize for saying these things or just let them be? Generally I am not sorry for what I said and feel no need to apologize however there are moments when the look of pure shock on someones face makes me feel bad about what was said (it is usually those moments I apologize for hurting their feelings and I explain that I didn't intend for it to come across that way).

Recently another woman - C - posted some pictures of her baby online of which I commented with the appropriate "How cute!" She then posts directly to me to take a look at the photos of said baby at which time I respond with, "She's adorable, looks just like D.Q." and attach photo of D.Q. as a baby. Of which I have not had a single response from C since then.

In my defense I have to admit that C is DQ's bio-father's wife and while I was trying to be nice there was something in the simple comment that rubbed me the wrong way. Perhaps I was having an off day or perhaps I did feel that way and wanted to make her share in my feeling - I don't know. I wonder now if perhaps I should apologize or just let it be. I'm not really sorry for what I said(it was the truth,) I just feel bad at the thought of hurting her feelings because that was not really my intent.

Do you speak now or forever hold your peace? And if so, do you apologize for what was said even if you are not wholly sorry?

Sex and the City Friday!!

YAY!! Can you tell what I've been looking forward to this week??

I admit it, I am one of those women who are going to line up tonight and see it on opening night, I've got a girlfriend I'm picking up on the way and we are going to see how the drama unfolds.

I've been anticipating todays post all week - (odd, I know) I've debated a few ways I would take it but have decided on the only one that truly suits me..."Why are we so enthralled with SATC?"
The show ran for six seasons on HBO and then turned around (did a little editing) and re-ran on cable TV. I watched it on HBO, bought the series on DVD and on occasion I still catch a late night episode on cable tv when I'm all caught up on TiVo. But what's with the fasination?

All week long there's been articles written about the impending movie release:
Love Lessons from Sex and the City
Sex and the City Number of sex partners true?
What I learned from Sex and the City
Where we got by watching Sex and the City

But none of these can really capture what that essence was that grabed us and had us watching the episodes. When the show aired I was not 30 something, single-yes, business successful-no, drinking cosmos at upscale bars with awesome friends-no and yet I tuned in faithfully. Many years later, I'm knocking on 30 something's door, married, still don't drink cosmo's at upscale bars or hang out with awesome friends, but I can at least say that I have experienced this from time to time, just not on a regular basis.

In an effort to be fully ready tonights movie going experience, I have been re-watching the series on DVD and one thing I've noticed is that while the show touches on issues that are real in the dating/relationship world the rest is not likely to happen (at least not nearly as often as they make it happen.) Seriously who picks up a new guy each week? Even when I was single and a little free spirited I didn't do that. So once again, why did I watch? Why do most women watch?
I can't speak for other women out there, but for myself it was good entertainment. In the moments when I was single I could relate to looking for love in all the wrong places, of wanting the one person (Mr. Big) who was unavailable and of needing the good friendships to get me through the rough patches when it seemed like the world had a twisted sense of humor and I would be forever alone. Even as a married woman, I still have relationship issues, sometimes my commitment phobeia flares up and I want to run for the hills, but now I know (and treasure) those friendships that have suffered thru many a drinking/male bashing night.

It wasn't just about sex it was about friendship, the cornerstone of any good relationship that kept me coming back. The issues were never far fetched (growing older, looking for love, break-ups, unmarried/unplanned pregnancy, commitment fears, infidelity and others) and so I could relate...the outcomes might have been a little far reaching at times, but it was always entertaining to see how they were going to get there.

Did you watch ever watch the show?? Why?

Finding My Identity

Over lunch today, a conversation ensued regarding the hubs disbelief that I could 'pay' someone for running advice when he [the hub] specialized in this in college, has a degree in the subject, has personal and coaching experience and knows me better than this stranger. I obviously do not care for his opinion when I go out and do this and yet come back to "give him a play by play and rub it in his face."

It was hard to hear these words because they stung, truth is that I care very much about the hubs opinions on the subject, I just do not want to be 'coached' by the hub. Contrary to his popular belief, it does not have much to with him but everything to do with my own personal flaws. These are the things I am aware of, but try desperately try to hide. I will go so far as to allow someone to think the wrong idea so that I do not have to point out my weakness.

This is not how it is supposed to be, but it is how I am.

Problem: I do not know who I am. (There, I said it.) I am many things, but at the core of who I am, I don't know. This is a struggle I've been dealing with for many years now without any real answers. I can tell you that thru all of this, I have found many things that I am not but not the one thing that I am. I seek the answers only to find that I desperately cling to anything I can call "my own" until I can define what my own is. The hub, on the other hand, is very comfortable in his own skin, sure of who he is and what he wants so he cannot fully understand this dilemma I have.

Identity is your backgrounds and genetics, culture and religion, traditions and hobbies. It is what makes you. (wikipedia)

It is said that "To know who you are, you need to first come to know who you are NOT." For me, that is the easy part. I was adopted when I was a year old and raised by a family who did not hide the fact that I was adopted. I was raised in a town where my biological family resided and everyone around me knew who I was and where I began this life. I was not part of the family I was raised, I didn't look like these people, I didn't share the same gene pool, for all intense purposes I wasn't in the age group as any of the other kids either. I was just...me.
Eventually I came to know my bio-family members, but by then I was 18 and I was not like them either. I looked like these people, but 18 yrs had provided a certain way of thinking and these people did not share the same ideas. A decade after the fact, I know these people, but I do not necessarily think of them as family or as my own.

So how do you begin to define yourself, to know yourself if you don't know (don't associate) with any beginning or perhaps associate with multiple beginnings?

For me, having a past such as this allowed me the opportunity to redefine myself many times over. Each time I learned what I was not - I was able to throw caution to the wind and change paths. The problem with 'growing older' is that eventually your backpack becomes a tote which turns into luggage and massive self-redefining changes aren't really conducive to that environment. I can admit that with each change I've taken valuable lessons from who I was and who I'd like to be, sort of like a piece of the puzzle of who I want to be. I've collected many of these over the years and today I am trying to figure out where they go and how each one fits.

What I struggle to find, is the words to convey to the hub (as well as myself) that I'm not finished. I am a work in progress and even though I am older, a little wiser and a lot more determined I am still a piece of everything I once was, which means I still don't know how to not rush to the ending and skip over the middle. I am looking for what defines me, what one thing will flip that switch so the light bulb shines brightly and I can say - this is me.

I don't know if this is a pipe dream or if I am living in reality with this grand notion of "me," but that hasn't stopped me from trying. I have goals that allow me to define the direction in which I am moving at this moment...I may continue down this path long term and I might find something along the way that detours me onto a new path. I struggle to find my inner identity, my voice. To define who I am in relation to who I want to be. I just find it hard to define myself when I see so much of myself in the hub. In all fairness, I can't say this is the hubs fault, because I've always found it easier to fight the pull of authority/more knowledgeable people. It's not that I think I know better, I just want to know both sides before I make a decision.

Do you know who you are? Want to be? Have you struggled with 'finding yourself?'

Identity Crisis

Have you ever had that moment when someone tells you "Guess what I am thinking about doing...it's going to be ********." And all you can think is, ok but I already do/want to do ****** and then you feel as if they are stepping on your turf? Well, perhaps not, but I do-specifically with the hub (Mr. Flash). (stop, you can get your minds out of the gutter...it's his favorite comic book character)

Anyhow, Mr. Flash has been going thru some classes to transition from military life to civilian life. This is not new to him, he functions well (job wise) in the civilian world, but the training is required. Mr. Flash and I both work in the technology industry - computers, however we have different specialties or areas of interest within the field. I - am in managment, he - is well versed in mulitple areas but his primary one is developing. We have both just completed a BS in Information Systems, once again I in management and he in technology..so yes, I am working towards my goal. Yesterday, out of the blue, he proposes that he needs to take a job as an IT Manager in order to incorporate all his skills. Well, yes, that is the easiest way to encompass all his knowledge, however all I felt was like he was butting into my area. (No, I never learned to share well as a kid)

I support Mr. Flash is whatever it is he decides to do, but I can't help but feel as if I in some way compete with him at the same time as well. My first thought yesterday was "great, not only do I have to compete with strangers for a job but now I am up against my own husband (and I know his resume). The logical part of me rationalized this as ... "great, now we have double the opportunity to get the job (where I'm not qualified for it, he is and vice versa).

I find it strange how the qualities that I first found attractive in Mr. Flash so many years ago are the same qualities that make me want to scream. Truth is that I see alot of myself in this man, at least the person I would like to be one day and it's hard to live up to an image I've created. This isn't the first time Mr. Flash and I have wanted the same thing or that I felt he 'butts into my space.' It's like I come up with an idea (run a marathon) and he tweaks it and wants to be apart of it too (become a decathalete again).

I struggle with wanting something of my own, something that is just mine and not shared by him - yet there are so many things out there that I don't know of any one thing. Perhaps I'm having an identity crisis. I did some looking into this:

Identity: "a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, paired with some belief in the sameness and continuity of some shared world image."

What is my identity?

"Erik Erikson, the psychologist who coined the term identity crisis, believes that the identity crisis is the most important conflict human beings encounter when they go through the eight developmental stages in life."

Eight Stages:
Infancy - Birth to 18mths
Muscular-anal stage - 1 1/2 - 3 years
Play Age - 3-6 years
School Age - 7-11 years

Adolescence - 11-18 years

Young Adulthood 19-40 years
Middle Adulthood - 40-65 years
Late Adulthood - from 65 years

According to this I would be in the young adulthood stage which centers around intimacy vs. isolation and the idea that a balance between the two can teach someone truly how to love. Erikson also argues:

“Intimacy has a counterpart: Distantiation: the readiness to isolate and if necessary, to destroy those forces and people whose essence seems dangerous to our own, and whose territory seems to encroach on the extent of one’s intimate relations”

Is this where I am at? Is this all a natural part of growing as a person? I don't have a clear plan of what it is that I really want from this life and he seems to be so sure of himself. I will admit I am envious of this, I wish I had it, but there are so many choices out there and I am not ready to settle for just one...I still want it all. Perhaps it is not really an identity crisis, maybe I am just learning who I am and in turn who he is-after all we are constantly evolving!

Relationship Growth

He cheated! Rebuilding a marriage rocked by infidelity was a headline on msn about a woman who's husband cheated on her with another woman who shared their social circle. It caught my attention as I've been struggling with my own trust issues. No, I'm not saying that my hub is cheating, but recently his ex has begun sending business his way...business that has them spending more time on the phone than before.

I feel silly for even thinking...I mean, this woman doesn't live in the same state as us, not to mention I know my husband loves me. What this did, however was get me thinking about my marriage and how far we've come from where we started(which was a rather questionable place to begin with.) The University of Missouri posted

"Most spouses start out full of hopes and dreams and are truly committed to making their marriage work. Yet as the reality of living with a less than perfect spouse sets in and the pressures of life build, many individuals feel less romantic and do not find as much satisfaction in their relationships."

Less than perfect, of course, we are human. We lead busy lives; both work full-time jobs(he also a has a side job from home), have two energetic daughters, attempt to socialize with friends, and sustain some type of hobby/sport/individual activity. This coupled with balancing a marriage can leave the best of us feeling beat sometimes. I love the hub, but ever since the birth of our second daughter I've felt like things are off kilter. I'm not sexy enough, I'm not focused enough, I'm not fun enough. If only I could be the girl I was 5 years ago then perhaps.....sadly enough I am not, nor will I ever be again.

What has happened is the relationship has changed, we've changed - we've grown. There have been moments where we've grown together and moments where we've grown apart, but we have always supported each other. UofM states that "positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance and mutual love/respect are the keys to making marriage/relationships last. I agree, this is not always easy for us to do, but we have always been willing to work on it. That much is still true today.

I guess what I struggle with the most is accepting that he loves me for who I am today and not who I was back then.

What have you learned about/from your relationships?