Finding My Identity

Over lunch today, a conversation ensued regarding the hubs disbelief that I could 'pay' someone for running advice when he [the hub] specialized in this in college, has a degree in the subject, has personal and coaching experience and knows me better than this stranger. I obviously do not care for his opinion when I go out and do this and yet come back to "give him a play by play and rub it in his face."

It was hard to hear these words because they stung, truth is that I care very much about the hubs opinions on the subject, I just do not want to be 'coached' by the hub. Contrary to his popular belief, it does not have much to with him but everything to do with my own personal flaws. These are the things I am aware of, but try desperately try to hide. I will go so far as to allow someone to think the wrong idea so that I do not have to point out my weakness.

This is not how it is supposed to be, but it is how I am.

Problem: I do not know who I am. (There, I said it.) I am many things, but at the core of who I am, I don't know. This is a struggle I've been dealing with for many years now without any real answers. I can tell you that thru all of this, I have found many things that I am not but not the one thing that I am. I seek the answers only to find that I desperately cling to anything I can call "my own" until I can define what my own is. The hub, on the other hand, is very comfortable in his own skin, sure of who he is and what he wants so he cannot fully understand this dilemma I have.

Identity is your backgrounds and genetics, culture and religion, traditions and hobbies. It is what makes you. (wikipedia)

It is said that "To know who you are, you need to first come to know who you are NOT." For me, that is the easy part. I was adopted when I was a year old and raised by a family who did not hide the fact that I was adopted. I was raised in a town where my biological family resided and everyone around me knew who I was and where I began this life. I was not part of the family I was raised, I didn't look like these people, I didn't share the same gene pool, for all intense purposes I wasn't in the age group as any of the other kids either. I was just...me.
Eventually I came to know my bio-family members, but by then I was 18 and I was not like them either. I looked like these people, but 18 yrs had provided a certain way of thinking and these people did not share the same ideas. A decade after the fact, I know these people, but I do not necessarily think of them as family or as my own.

So how do you begin to define yourself, to know yourself if you don't know (don't associate) with any beginning or perhaps associate with multiple beginnings?

For me, having a past such as this allowed me the opportunity to redefine myself many times over. Each time I learned what I was not - I was able to throw caution to the wind and change paths. The problem with 'growing older' is that eventually your backpack becomes a tote which turns into luggage and massive self-redefining changes aren't really conducive to that environment. I can admit that with each change I've taken valuable lessons from who I was and who I'd like to be, sort of like a piece of the puzzle of who I want to be. I've collected many of these over the years and today I am trying to figure out where they go and how each one fits.

What I struggle to find, is the words to convey to the hub (as well as myself) that I'm not finished. I am a work in progress and even though I am older, a little wiser and a lot more determined I am still a piece of everything I once was, which means I still don't know how to not rush to the ending and skip over the middle. I am looking for what defines me, what one thing will flip that switch so the light bulb shines brightly and I can say - this is me.

I don't know if this is a pipe dream or if I am living in reality with this grand notion of "me," but that hasn't stopped me from trying. I have goals that allow me to define the direction in which I am moving at this moment...I may continue down this path long term and I might find something along the way that detours me onto a new path. I struggle to find my inner identity, my voice. To define who I am in relation to who I want to be. I just find it hard to define myself when I see so much of myself in the hub. In all fairness, I can't say this is the hubs fault, because I've always found it easier to fight the pull of authority/more knowledgeable people. It's not that I think I know better, I just want to know both sides before I make a decision.

Do you know who you are? Want to be? Have you struggled with 'finding yourself?'

Team Training

Today was the first day of my running with MIM. I haven't officially joined yet (trial evaluation period) but I liked what I saw today. Actually, I am thrilled after my first workout. The first thing I noticed was I wasn't alone...there were other 'newbie's' like myself, second-I had seen many of the faces I saw today. Only difference was they weren't passing me at the race...I was running along side them. I actually held a conversation with some of them, it's funny how I noticed them yet, they don't remember ever seeing me. haha

We started with some sculpting exercises, did a few short runs, did some running drills and then did a few longer runs. Mark 'the coach/trainer' came up along side and provided some pointers and support for my running technique - I can't say that I had ever thought of it that way, but I am willing to try something new to my random method.

For the most part I had been running distance, pushing myself to run when I was tired or out of breath...I just thought that if I kept going eventually it would get easier. Mark disagrees and has a different plan so why not. I had done quite a bit of research on marathon training schedules, user advice, etc. I don't however have the first clue about actual training technique...I've always just gone out and run, no real form or technique, just all out running and eventually it gets easier and I go farther. It was never about speed so I guess it didn't matter, but now....now it's about speed baby!

Can you tell I'm excited?! Yes, there isn't much that could deter my mood except for my bad motherness. In my excitement to be running with MIM today I totally spaced on the schools awards ceremony. It wasn't until I was almost home and I saw people at the center that I thought it might have been tonight. Yes, it was and now I feel horrible. It was the only thing not put on the calendar, she didn't even realize about the awards ceremony otherwise she wouldn't have let me forget. Yes, I'm a bad mom-I feel selfish for going but happy that I did. I guess something had to give and this was it.

You live and you learn...

Happy Mothers Day

It is mothers day and it has been a wonderful weekend. I will keep this short and sweet (only because I am exhausted).

Friday was busy busy...soccer practice for little miss then rush off to the zoo for our 'mothers day zoo snooze.' Yes, it is exactly as it sounds, we spent the night at the zoo and did a twilight zoo tour. The next morning, we toured some more and then rush back to get to the soccer game on time. Well, with the weather being crazy lately, the coach got swamped with game overlaps so she didn't make it and we needed a coach...guess who got the privilige?! Yep, yours truly!

I must admit..it was a great feeling, coaching those little kids, they tried so hard, they didn't even quit and they were so tired. Our team was really short players so the ones who were there had to work twice as hard, but they did it. We've been undefeated this season and even though this game wasn't a win, it was a tie and I'll take that! I enjoyed my short lived coaching experience...glad I don't have to do it on a regular basis

Other than that, it's been go go go...non-stop. On the up side, we watched speed racer...that is how I felt this weekend...exhilarated!!!

I hope each mother out there has had a wonderful weekend!

Identity Crisis

Have you ever had that moment when someone tells you "Guess what I am thinking about doing...it's going to be ********." And all you can think is, ok but I already do/want to do ****** and then you feel as if they are stepping on your turf? Well, perhaps not, but I do-specifically with the hub (Mr. Flash). (stop, you can get your minds out of the gutter...it's his favorite comic book character)

Anyhow, Mr. Flash has been going thru some classes to transition from military life to civilian life. This is not new to him, he functions well (job wise) in the civilian world, but the training is required. Mr. Flash and I both work in the technology industry - computers, however we have different specialties or areas of interest within the field. I - am in managment, he - is well versed in mulitple areas but his primary one is developing. We have both just completed a BS in Information Systems, once again I in management and he in technology..so yes, I am working towards my goal. Yesterday, out of the blue, he proposes that he needs to take a job as an IT Manager in order to incorporate all his skills. Well, yes, that is the easiest way to encompass all his knowledge, however all I felt was like he was butting into my area. (No, I never learned to share well as a kid)

I support Mr. Flash is whatever it is he decides to do, but I can't help but feel as if I in some way compete with him at the same time as well. My first thought yesterday was "great, not only do I have to compete with strangers for a job but now I am up against my own husband (and I know his resume). The logical part of me rationalized this as ... "great, now we have double the opportunity to get the job (where I'm not qualified for it, he is and vice versa).

I find it strange how the qualities that I first found attractive in Mr. Flash so many years ago are the same qualities that make me want to scream. Truth is that I see alot of myself in this man, at least the person I would like to be one day and it's hard to live up to an image I've created. This isn't the first time Mr. Flash and I have wanted the same thing or that I felt he 'butts into my space.' It's like I come up with an idea (run a marathon) and he tweaks it and wants to be apart of it too (become a decathalete again).

I struggle with wanting something of my own, something that is just mine and not shared by him - yet there are so many things out there that I don't know of any one thing. Perhaps I'm having an identity crisis. I did some looking into this:

Identity: "a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, paired with some belief in the sameness and continuity of some shared world image."

What is my identity?

"Erik Erikson, the psychologist who coined the term identity crisis, believes that the identity crisis is the most important conflict human beings encounter when they go through the eight developmental stages in life."

Eight Stages:
Infancy - Birth to 18mths
Muscular-anal stage - 1 1/2 - 3 years
Play Age - 3-6 years
School Age - 7-11 years

Adolescence - 11-18 years

Young Adulthood 19-40 years
Middle Adulthood - 40-65 years
Late Adulthood - from 65 years

According to this I would be in the young adulthood stage which centers around intimacy vs. isolation and the idea that a balance between the two can teach someone truly how to love. Erikson also argues:

“Intimacy has a counterpart: Distantiation: the readiness to isolate and if necessary, to destroy those forces and people whose essence seems dangerous to our own, and whose territory seems to encroach on the extent of one’s intimate relations”

Is this where I am at? Is this all a natural part of growing as a person? I don't have a clear plan of what it is that I really want from this life and he seems to be so sure of himself. I will admit I am envious of this, I wish I had it, but there are so many choices out there and I am not ready to settle for just one...I still want it all. Perhaps it is not really an identity crisis, maybe I am just learning who I am and in turn who he is-after all we are constantly evolving!

My baby

It's hard to believe that on this day 6 years ago my life changed forever. It seems like just yesterday I was waddling my way down the street - preparing to go into surgury and deliver my very first child.

I was so scared and so excited all at the same time. It had been a very long and difficult pregnancy, I had braved the hormonal roller coaster alone and other than my job, I did not know how I would manage my life beyond that point. I remember when she was lifted out of my belly and I could feel the weight being taken off me, it was kind of a sad moment because we were no longer 'joined' but only a single tear fell as I realized that we were forever together.

Six years ago at 7:31 am, my daughter made her debut into this world. Together we've put on a brave face and headed straight into the unknown. She is very much my daughter in her attitude and mannerisms and outlook. I cannot deny that part of me runs thru her veins, just as I cannot deny that she is also part her bio-father.

She does not know him (and I don't know if it will ever transpire far enough for him to reach for that) but she is him too. She is, cliche' as this sounds, the best of both of us. In six years, I've watched my baby grow into this amazing little girl. She is no longer the bright eyed wonder who doesn't understand, but more an intelligent observer of all that is around her. She is inquisitive beyond her years and stubborn beyond anything I've encountered but I wouldn't change a single thing about her.

Please don't mistake, she drives me crazy somedays and there are moments when I wonder why on earth anyone would put them selves thru this, but these are the moments that provide insight into endless possibilities of life.

So to my oldest...happy birthday baby...you never cease to amaze me. I love you!