Unspoken...

I woke up Wednesday morning, just like I do every Wednesday morning and proceeded to go thru my morning ritual to get ready for work. I check on my girls after my shower, finish getting dressed, lay out their clothes, fix their lunches and just before I head out the door, little Miss cries and I know she's awake.

I look at the clock and think, I really need to leave to stay on schedule, but instead I sigh and head back down the hall, pick her up, change her diaper and dress her for the day. I kiss her on the head a few minutes later, only slightly behind my self imposed schedule and head off for another day at work...just another usual day at work.

It was anything but a usual day.

From my first glance at my reader, I noticed a theme among the words staring back at me. Each combination more somber than the previous, each word trying so desperately to convey that sense of support but knowing that words would not do justice to the situation it was surrounding. Today, a member of our community lost her daughter and the pain flooded our lives like a piece of Maddie had been ripped from each of us. I read the words, each.and.every.story that flashed that beautiful little girls smile and zest for life, and the more I read the more my heart broke, the more my eyes flooded and the harder it became to breath. So I stopped. I stopped reading, I stopped looking, I just stopped because the more I saw the more I hurt for the mother who no longer had her baby to hold, to kiss, to tell how much she loved her.

In the short span of this day, I went from frustrated I was running late to wanting only to hug my children and say thank you for that extra moment I had with them. As a mother, I could not imagine what Heather is going thru, but I know that I would not wish that on anyone. In the short span of today, I suddenly felt very small for wishing I didn't have to deal with some of my 'mom' duties. In the short span of today, I got a swift reminder just how short and unpredictable life can be and how much there is to not take forgranted.

My heart goes out to the Spohr family.


***In lieu of flower the family asks that you make a donation in Madeline's honor to the March of Dimes.

Risk Aversion?

A few weeks ago I wrote this post to which I pondered a question, not because of where it originated, not because of who was involved in the original conversation, but because it struck a chord with me.

For the past week or so, the statement has been made regarding my 'risk aversion' - not as someone who has known me long, not as someone who has ever faced a 'risky' situation with me, but merely as an observation from someone who has conversations with me at work. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly the statement of 'your not a risk taker' have come up in conversation and each time I pause briefly and wonder..."Who me? Not me. I take plenty of risks."

The truth is however, if I think long and hard about it, I do not have a history of taking risks. Oh I've done some really stupid things, I've gone out on a ledge at times, I've even done something without having a backup plan...but a risk...no, there is not much I can think of that I have actually done with out contemplating and calculating the risk involved. If the odds don't fall in my favor, then its a fairly sure bet I won't be involved.

I don't like to lose.

I don't like to not be in control.

I don't like 'fly by the seat of my pants' and hope I come out on top.

So if I know this about myself, then why do I take it so personally when someone says 'you're not a risk taker?' Perhaps its because I want to be, a risk taker that is. Perhaps I want to prove everyone wrong. Perhaps I want to seem unpredictable and fun and carefree. I know myself, even if I try to deny myself, but accepting it is another story entirely.

There is nothing wrong with playing it safe, nothing wrong with taking calculated risks, but for me...it seems kind of old. It reminds me of being an adult, being grown up, being responsible, being OLD! I do not like to think of myself as OLD - seriously, who does?? Age, it's just a number but age has nothing to do with adulthood or growing OLD and I feel grown, I feel stable and I feel like I'm responsible for much more than my piece of this spinning rock.

Oh I know, I could be much worse off and I'm sure I'm stressing over nothing but you know, even when I visit the casino I only play the most common numbers in craps and only after I've watched the table make a few rounds...I mean, seriously, who jumps in and starts betting without getting a feel for how hot or cold the table is???

Do you wish there were things about your personality you could change?

Ingorance is Bliss?

DQ is a smart little girl, sometimes I think she is too smart for her own good (definitely smart enough to keep me on my toes). She is the product of a relationship long ago since over and her bio-father isn't really in the picture. She's always known about him, the little I would tell her but she's never had any real interaction with him, no actual interaction at all aside from a phone call or two that stopped a long time ago. I say all this, not to paint the man in a bad light, but to merely set the premise for the conversation that ensues...


DQ: I am the only one with a different last name (upon hearing me refer to us as the 'Kel' family)
Me: Not true, I have both your last name AND daddy's last name.
DQ: but why am I different?
Me: Well, mommy married daddy so she took his last name and Little Miss and Jr were daddy's children so they got his last name and you, you're special you got mommies last name because she wasn't married to daddy when you were born. If you want daddies last name, we can do that. DQ: Yeah, I want to be just like the family.
Me: Ok, but that means that Mr. 'Donor' is no longer apart of it, you would only have 1 daddy.
DQ: oh, well then never mind, I don't want to give up Mr. Donor.
ME: Why?
DQ: Because Mr. Donor gave me a doll (which is now buried amongst her other gazillion stuffed animals)
Me: Hum, but daddy gave you a bike, what about that?
DQ: Yeah, but he didn't give me a doll.
Me: Right, but daddy gave you a computer and games and scooters and (the list is endless)
DQ: Ok, I know and those things are great.
Me: But .... you don't even know Mr. Donor....you don't even get to see Mr. Donor.
DQ: I know. Why is that?
Me: Well, its complicated and I don't really have an answer for that.
DQ: I know...its because he's really busy.
Me: Really busy? (insert long silent pause) Well, let me ask you...do you think it's ok?
DQ: Yes, he's busy mom.
Me: Really? What if mom ignored you when she was 'really busy' is that ok? What if dad ignored you when he was 'really busy?' Is that ok?
DQ: No, ya'll can't ignore me...ya'll love me.
Me: Yes, but its ok for Mr. Donor to ignore you?
DQ: Um...no, I guess not. Does that mean that Mr. Donor doesn't love me?
Me: Well....I'm not saying that, its just......complicated.

I love my daughter and I would do anything in my power to keep her from being hurt, but its tough. I have never explained the circumstances of how this nonexistent relationship came to be because she is too young and honestly, it has no bearing on things thus far. I've been able to push off the questions with simple answers of 'He's far away' or 'He's busy' and she's moved on from that subject until now....now I will not accept those answers.

These were the answers I provided many years ago, not the answers he provided, because honestly, he didn't provide any. But there comes a point, in this realm of parenting where empty answers do not suffice because in essence, what we say is what we teach our children. What I accept in my own life, my child learns as OK, what her mother says is the reasoning and allows it to be ok in their life...the child learns to accept as an answer as well.

I had never thought saying "He's busy" would ever be an answer and the logic to her reasoning, perhaps an excuse, but never an answer. I would hope I'm teaching my child that excuses are not answers and excuses are not acceptable, but obviously I have miscalculated just how many excuses I have allowed to be taken as answers.

Obviously, I have a lot more parenting to do, because ignorance - is NOT bliss.

Do you accept excuses as answers or do you seek the truth, no matter the cost?

Not Me Monday

It's time for another round of Not Me Monday.

I DID NOT spend my wonderful Friday Night Cleaning and doing laundry while the hubs was having a good time at a basketball game and I would never enjoy such a task either! (Is this a mom phrase or what??)

I DID NOT increase my 'do it yourself home remodel' list by an entire whole room, which includes tiling the floors.
(I found such a bargain I just couldn't pass it up - I should stay away from Home Depot)

I DID NOT enjoy my 'date' night with the hubs and we DID NOT laugh out loud at the comedic efforts of dueling pianist that entertained us.

I DID NOT finally get part of my yard reseeded and today it is totally NOT remotely COLD. (Seriously... 75 to 45 in less than 24 hrs...what is up with this crazy weather??)

I DID NOT wonder where the time had gone each time DQ reinvented the theme and gifts she wanted for her upcoming birthday.
(I thought time went quick when I was a kid, but it seems it has picked up speed since I became a parent.)

Come join the fun and read other Not Me Mondays here or here!

Fear is....

Fear is...
...being told, at 20 weeks pregnant, that you are in premature labor, you are bleeding and there is nothing more the doctors can do for you except pray.

Fear is...
...letting your 9month old child go as you get on a plane, headed to a war somewhere far away knowing this could very well be the last time you ever get to see her or hold her again.

Fear is...
...working for just enough to cover the daycare expenses and other necessities of raising a toddler and wondering if you will ever be able to provide you child the type of life they deserve.

Fear is...
...packing what little you can into the truck of your car, along with your cat and daughter and joining the hundreds of other motorist in a last ditch effort to out run one of the most devestating hurricanes to hit the US. All the while knowing you may have nothing left to return to and you were barely holding on to begin with.

Fear is...
...watching your child be hurt by the actions of others, careless, thoughtless, apathetic adults who have no sense of compassion and being powerless to do anything to prevent the pain that results.

Fear is NOT...
...checking on your child at 10:30pm and realizing she is not in her bed. (Not unsual as I find my child with make shift beds elsewhere all the time)

...not being able to find said child after searching all the usual places she ends up after deciding she does not want to sleep in her bed.

...searching for your child for 20 minutes, turning every light on in the house and shouting her name because the house alarm has been on since you tucked said child into bed and no doors have been opened.

Fear in NOT...
...Finding said child comfortably asleep under her sisters crib, neatly hidden by her sisters crib skirt, curled snuggly up with a blanket....

...That my dear friends is....
PANIC and the utter self restraint to not hug said child until their eyes bulge from their head in an effort to throttle them because you were seconds from having a heartattack!


*****edit******
On a side note, I wonder if perhaps said child did not think this was some clever way to get her mamma on a slightly early April Fools joke??? ;)

What is YOUR best/worst April Fools joke memory??