Resolution Review

The great thing about blogs is that you can document things...namely New Years Resolutions.
The BAD thing about blogs is that you can document things...unfortunately New Years Resolutions.

As this year 2008 comes to a close I look back at what I thought I would accomplish, at what I wanted to accomplish and, well, what I didn't quite so much accomplish.

#1 Forgive and let go - After many days of contemplation, I am ready to forgive myself for my faults, for my shortcomings, and for my failures. I want to let go and move on so that those wounds can heal

Did I succeed? I'd have to say it's yes to this one. I'm not going to say the process is completely finished and I've closed the book on that chapter, but I can admit that there were many things troubling my mind and my heart when I started this year that I have been able to let go of. It's been a process, but I'm glad I can finally lay some of the heavier burdens to rest.

#2 Finish school - I am finally only a few hours away from completing my degree. I started this full time about 2 years ago and now the light at the end of the tunnel can be seen. My goal for this one is to get it completed this semester so I can walk across the stage in June. (classes are online so I can finish anytime, however graduation is every year in June)

Did I succeed? Yes! I walked across the stage with the hub this past June and then I got to spend a fun filled, adventure packed weekend with him (sans kids) in Denver. Unfortunately for us it didn't last long since now we are both pursuing our Masters, but hey...I've got one down and one to go with infinite possibilities...learning never stops!

#3 Run a marathon - this was one of those goals I had set for last year, I actually wanted to attempt the St. Jude half-marathon (which is in December) but because I got pregnant, it wasn't really doable. Good news is that I am not prego anymore and I am free to resume this goal. I've actually modified it a bit and now I want to run the actual marathon instead of the half.

Did I succeed? Yes, most importantly, yes. It is the challenge I needed in my life to push me onto the next step in this journey and while there were times I struggled with wanting to quit and times I told myself there was nothing difficult about it all...in the end I learned. I learned a little more about myself in the process and I completed my very first Marathon on December 6, 2008 as I ran to support the children of St. Jude.

#4 Finish house - Well, I guess completely is a little far fetched, but I would like to have the rooms painted and the master room decorated by the end of summer.

Did I succeed? Well, that is debatable. We've continued to work on the house and we did purchase a new bed and our color/decorating scheme has been decided on (thanks to the new bedding) but the house is still a work in progress...I imagine it will continue to be though.

#5 Certification - I would like to have one certification completed by the end of the year, preferably security, but anyone will suffice

Did I succeed? No. I'd like to say yes, but I have to admit while I did go thru training the week before Christmas in an effort to fulfill this goal, I have not achieved it just yet. I am scheduled to take the examination in January so hopefully...

#6 Lose weight - I want the rest of the baby weight gone as well as a few extra pounds, if I can stay on schedule with the marathon training then this should take care of itself...lets hope!

Did I succeed? If I have to start the sentence with "that depends" the answer should be NO, but I'm gonna call this a success. I did lose all the baby weight, which was my goal - however the few extra pounds have come and gone with the weather and who knows if I'll ever really let them go. It's not where I want to be, but it is a healthy weight and I've dropped a pants size (beyond what I was before I got pregnant) so I won't complain. I stayed relatively on track for my marathon training so I'm going to chalk this one up to 'muscle weighs more than fat right?!

What about you? Did you keep to your New Years Resolutions??

Forgiveness...I've come this far

January 11, 2008 I posted the following entry below on my old blog, the first of 5 resolutions for this year...

It's been a few days since I posted, I'm not sure why it has been so hard - it just seems that I can't find the words to express my thoughts lately. There have been so many of them since the start of the new year and many times I have started to post, but stopped only to find myself writing a jumbled mess. Even today it seems this too will turn out that way, but just maybe this process will help me begin to sort it all out.

I don't know if it is my need to have a new years resolution that has sent me down the path of my past, if having all the emotional/hormonal stuff that comes with having a new baby, or if it is cosmic fate that is leading me to re-exam my past, but I have been dealing with some of the things that I never really let go of before. I know that during the "growing-up" process we learn to make choices, we learn who we are and what we stand for, but what happens if during those crucial years you never learn those things...what if all you learn is how to deal? How to deal with pain. How to deal with rejection. How to substitute fake for real and find alternate methods of love when life makes you feel as if you never had any? I believe the growing process never stops, but somewhere inside me I had started to believe that I had become grown and was just tweaking who I was.

I look at my past and try desperately to figure out who I was then, but even now there is no clear answer. I was a lot of things, the only thing I know for sure is that I was searching for something that seemed so elusive, that I just started to accept anything in its place. I wasn't a bad person, I did have some confused ideals at the time, but I wasn't bad. I wanted to be loved. Even now I struggle with the need to be loved...not that I am not loved, I guess truth is I have a hard time accepting love or letting myself be loved.

Why was it so hard for me? When did it start? Where does this feeling come from? Those are the questions I wish I had answers for, but I don't. It scares me because I would never want my daughters to feel the way I did. About 15 years ago I started to wonder down a path, I was damaged and broken and didn't even know it. I struggled at every turn trying to cover the issue, fix me, but I never knew I was broken. About 4 years later I met someone who touched my life and helped me believe in myself again. It was brief, but the impact was immeasurable. Truth be told, I slid down hill a bit and as fate would have it, this same person came back into my life and helped me get it back together. They restored my faith in me and I never even knew it was happening. Despite this, I had never worked thru some of the issues I had, I never healed my wounds...I only covered them up and hoped like hell they would go away, but they didn't.

Recently words were spoken that had a profound effect on me. Just a few simple words sent me right back to those moments, ripped the old wounds open and left me feeling helpless. I struggled with the belief this could happen, of course not - that was such a long time ago, it is impossible. Not true. I have revisited those memories and I don't want to feel that way again, I don't want to be able to be controlled by them. After many days of contemplation, I am ready to forgive myself for my faults, for my shortcomings, and for my failures. I want to let go and move on so that those wounds can heal.

Resolution 1: Forgive and let go

Even now as I look back on the year I can remember vividly where I was at that moment and all that I was feeling, struggling with. In an effort to make good on this resolution I set out with good intentions and read a few books, wrote open letters and focused on why I was so hurt after all this time. Now as 2008 comes to a close, here is what I learned.

Forgiveness is something only YOU can give YOURSELF.

To the person who taught me "love hurts" - I forgive all the wrong doing on both our parts. I was too young to truly understand and I let you manipulate me for your own gain and then make me believe it was my fault. While you were the first real 'emotion' I let myself feel, you were not the last, and I thank god every day I am still here today.

To the person who taught me "relationships don't last" - I forgive us. I forgive us for so much of what we did to each other that left such an imprint on me as to what 'relationships' are like. Not every relationship is a failure waiting to happen.

To the person who taught me "to question my confidence" - I forgive. Not by words but purely actions did you manage to convey this lesson and I have hated you for a long time. Belief in myself can be freely given at anytime and the time is now.

To the person who taught me "I am selfish" - I forgive me. You gave so much and I took it all when in the end I could only give a little, I am sorry. I will never be able to tell you how much you did for me, but no longer do I need to carry the shame in knowing what I did was wrong.

To the person who taught me "dare to dream" - I am forever grateful. We've fought many battles and while the war may not be won, I know that with you in my corner anything is possible. You give me strength to be better than I was today and for that Thank you.

Merry Christmas

I hope yours if filled with holiday cheer, love and hope for a bright new year!

Elf Restroom

The hub is a dork...I love this man with all my heart, but I have to admit he is a dork, and yes he approved this blog.

Over the weekend we traveled to visit his family (9hrs away) and we brought Jr back with us. During one of our gas/bathroom stops along the way I head into the store to take care of the bathroom part of it while the hubs gets gas. He finishes up and heads inside before we hit the road where he meets Jr (who is still in the bathroom.) While the hub is in there he mouths (in his best Elf impersonation)

Hey! Have you seen these toilets? They're ginormous.


Which wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that Jr has already headed out of the bathroom and now the hubs is unknowingly talking to strangers in the Men's room.

Note to self...check before making funny movie references in a public restroom!

Only one more day....

Monday Madness - Christmas Cards

Have you ever tried to coordinate the family Christmas Card photos? OMG - I usually leave this up to the professionals, but this year, decided to try it ourselves.

Take 1: Little Miss wants to take the photo, DQ thinks funny faces are great and Jr, well he doesn't want to get near this crazy bunch.

Take 2: The hub and Little miss are enthralled with something on the ground. Jr on the other hand hasn't decided he likes us yet...

Take 3: DQ is tired of smiling, Jr has decided 'we aren't so bad after all' and little miss is all about having a good time.
Take 4: Little Miss has a booger and Jr has decided he's tired of smiling. 3 out of 5 facing the camera...headed in the right direction. Take 5: Ok, we've got 4 out of 5 looking at the camera, can we get one more??

Finally - although it may not be perfect we are all smiling and looking at the camera and I'm tired happy.
So if you get a card and it's not quite right...just know we tried (really hard) this year!

Merry Christmas!