Friday, December 30, 2011

Endings and Beginnings

Friday, December 30...last work day of the year and one more regular day before we say goodbye to this year for good.  Whew........

For as fast as this year has flown by, there have been moments of time ticking by painfully slow.  When I started the year, I made a resolution to 'feel' something because I felt so detached from everything and emotionally numb.  I wasn't sure what that journey would entail, but at the time it was what I wanted most in my life.  Now that the year is past I can honestly say that I succeeded, but as is life...with the joys come the sorrows and I felt both. 

I'd like to think that somehow I mistakenly chosen the wrong 'personal goal' and somehow fate had determined mine should have been 'change,' but I believe now that change in an unhappy (but necessary) requirement when it comes to breaking out of the emotional box I had been protecting myself with.  Change, oddly enough, was the consistent part of my life over the last 12 months as I experienced loss of a friend, hope that things would be different better, fear that somehow they were very stagnate instead, sadness as I realized I had taken so much for granted with my daily habits, frustration because I could not change the world around me, overwhelmed, lost, lonely....

Yes, I realize the list above lacks words like joy and  happiness and I did feel those too, but for every high the low was exceptionally low.  The funny thing about this year is that no matter what, I never doubted that I would get through each moment.  The belief that it was temporary and it would pass kind of drove me through the various emotions.  So I sit here today and contemplate what do I hope/want/desire/wish for next year and I realize that this year was much more than I ever imagined.  It taught me faith.  Faith in myself (which I am still working on) and faith in others around me. 

I don't know what 2012 has in store for me (and part of that is frightening,) but  I'm going to make a point of embracing the possibilities that lie ahead.  Both good and bad are an unfortunate part of life that allow us to break barriers and become more than we are today.  So I am going to continue down the path of self rediscovery and allow myself to be open....

Next year is all about the Possibilities!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

It feels like a lifetime since I wrote down my thoughts, but here I am (again) after thinking I was going to walk away from it all, right.back.where.I.started.

Life is funny like that - you can make plans of your own and then something will change and put you on a different course that you never saw coming.  I don't know....maybe it is the time of year or maybe I'm growing 'spiritually or mentally,' but these days so much of what I see AND feel just kind of hits me in the gut and takes my breath away.

There is a lot that is going through my brain and I'm not really sure where to start...emotions are high (both good and bad) and there are times I feel like I'm drowning, but if nothing else I want to say that I am going through many changes right now.  Changes that tweak my view of life and the world around me.  I'm hoping this outlet will help me make sense of it all and understand why my life is simply what it is.  Maybe that is all I've ever been searching for - the meaning of life.  Who knows, but I guess here is where the next chapter begins.