Monday, April 20, 2009

I've Moved - Update

I have moved out of blogspot and onto Wordpress...

I know - you're probably asking yourself WHY??

I LOVE blogger and I've tried to get around having to move...this is my home, but I've given in to it all because Wordpress has different privacy settings.

I miss being able to speak my thoughts when no one knew me and I had no fear of repercussion so ...I've moved.

Don't forget to subscribe to the NEW ME!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,


It is April 16th, 2009 and I have yet to see spring like weather, I am starting to worry. Oh yes, you tempt me with your 'budding' of the trees and the wild flowers that popped up among the frozen, thawing, frozen again ground...but now they have all died and shriveled away and I don't think they will be coming back. Even my poor, pitiful yard is still brown and unhappy (and I want you to know I spent good money getting that yard resodded last year with the hopes of enjoying it fully this spring and I AM NOT!)

I do not know what has caused this sudden seasonal shift, the hubs is convinced that we are not infact headed to mass exodus via global warming but a more subtle frozen tundra of our very own Ice Age. I have always defended you and argued this point, however lately, this has been harder to do as with each 30 degree morning I face he looks at me and says "See, honey...What did I tell you?"

I am still clinging to my own theories though.

1. During this especially cold snowy and icy winter, you managed to slip and hit your head. Thus causing some type of minor brain concussion resulting in temporary memory loss (yes, I say temporary because I just know you will remember to send summer our way, even if you forgot spring.)

2. I am getting older-excruciatingly evident by the constant eye rolling of my oldest daughter-but I have heard about you my entire life, so you MUST BE OLD. I say this not in a demeaning manner, but more as an observation. Has the 'CHANGE' finally hit you - have you decided the hot flashes are too much to bear in the ever warming days of spring that lead to the swealtering heat of Summer? I understand you need to stay cool, but some of us are not quite there yet and would like to enjoy a little warmth in our weather.

3. I know I can be 'whiny' at times (I would never admit this openly and no, my hubs opinion DOES NOT count) with my constant..."oooh it so cold I wish summer would get here" and "Oh mai holy hell its hot, will it ever not cool off?" but I really don't mean any of it. (Ok, maybe a, I take it back, I don't mean any of it) Perhaps you finally got tired of all the complaining and decided to just say 'Screw it' and quit changing seasons, but here's the deal...that's not really going to work for the rest of us out here who ENJOY the variety. We complain...its what we do, I know we should appreciate what we have, but its not personal and it was never directed at YOU!

So here's the thing...

If you would be so kind as to bring back spring (for its remaining time) and perhaps let us enjoy summer without some sort of blistering heat I would really appreciate it. I'm sure everyone else who has constantly woken up to 30 degree mornings and random snow falls would really like a little greenery in their lives as well. Not to mention it really SUCKS when I finally get a nice day to get out and do some yard work, only to find my plants frozen 3 days later and my seedlings...yeah we won't even go there. So perhaps you could do us all a little favor and quit hording Spring...WE WANT IT BACK!!


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

College Life

I sit here tonight and wonder aimlessly thru my drafts looking for something worthy of a post ... nothing.

As I surf (should be working on the bathroom some more) and casually watch my Monday night TV show Greek, I think to myself...are college experiences really like this? Obviously, this is tv and so it cannot be anything exactly like this, but it is based on something, right?!

The show is based on the Greek system, college parties, boy/girl drama, finding hookups love, and finding yourself before you graduate...not so far fetched. None of this seems hard for me to grasp and yet, I think back to my college experiences and think...holy hell...I totally missed something if this is anything like college.

Yes, I was that girl. I did not like the greek system...the girls seemed superficial, the guys seemed egotistical and I...was exactly nothing like that. I took my snooty little nose, dressed in my all gap wardrobe and stared down at them like some lower class being. I was at school to learn and these people my peers were just blowing their time. Didn't they realize they needed a 10yr plan and that their actions had consequences and everything they did needed to have meaning??

As I look back on my 'college dayz' I see a miserable, lonely, self absorbed little girl. I can remember one frat party where I drank a few too many, some guy treated me like another ditzy airhead chickie and I...well, I punched him, he dropped his beer and it shattered. Oh, it was not pretty, he was furious pissed upset and I...I quickly made my exit, never to return again.

I did not have uber late night study sessions with classmates, I did not hang in the 'lounge' and meet people or sit on the green and play games. The time I spent in the cafeteria was to eat and go and I preferred Denny's...even then I was alone. Short of my stalker 1st roommate during summer school (can you say NERD that I went to summer school to start early prior to my freshman fall semester) I didn't really have friends.

SO...what I'm curious about for all you wonderful peeps out there is...what were YOUR 'college dayz' like? Did you party for 6 years? Did you go for a semester and realize this was not your cup of tea? Did you pledge a sorority and find sisters for life? Did you study hard and meet your soul mate in the library?

Tell me all about what YOUR experiences were like??

Monday, April 13, 2009

Not Me Monday

A few things I DID NOT do this weekend...

I totally DID NOT start my weekend off by refusing to go to the movies with the hubs and kids because I could not stand wanted to redo my bathroom.

I DID NOT manage to step in my paint tray full of white primer while stepping off the ladder and then loose my balance and smear it all over the floor (good thing I'm replacing that next). Only clusmey people would do that craziness!

I DID NOT have an uber blond moment and ask the hubs "if we can move the toilet so I can get to the wall paper behind it" to which he replied "sure, just move it forward a few inches" at which time I DID NOT grab the toilet and began to pull (no it did not move) all the while the hubs stood in the doorway laughing at me saying "Kel, its bolted to the floor, it doesn't move!" hahaha

I DID NOT take my children to a fully packed and overly loud Chuck E Cheese the following day to make up for Friday night - seriously, who would feel guilty about that??

I DID NOT dress my family up like Easter eggs in pinks, purples, yellows and greens and have a wonderful time hunting eggs and grilling with friends despite the cloudy/rainy weather!

You can find other great not me's here!

What did YOU not do this weekend??

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I woke up Wednesday morning, just like I do every Wednesday morning and proceeded to go thru my morning ritual to get ready for work. I check on my girls after my shower, finish getting dressed, lay out their clothes, fix their lunches and just before I head out the door, little Miss cries and I know she's awake.

I look at the clock and think, I really need to leave to stay on schedule, but instead I sigh and head back down the hall, pick her up, change her diaper and dress her for the day. I kiss her on the head a few minutes later, only slightly behind my self imposed schedule and head off for another day at work...just another usual day at work.

It was anything but a usual day.

From my first glance at my reader, I noticed a theme among the words staring back at me. Each combination more somber than the previous, each word trying so desperately to convey that sense of support but knowing that words would not do justice to the situation it was surrounding. Today, a member of our community lost her daughter and the pain flooded our lives like a piece of Maddie had been ripped from each of us. I read the words, each.and.every.story that flashed that beautiful little girls smile and zest for life, and the more I read the more my heart broke, the more my eyes flooded and the harder it became to breath. So I stopped. I stopped reading, I stopped looking, I just stopped because the more I saw the more I hurt for the mother who no longer had her baby to hold, to kiss, to tell how much she loved her.

In the short span of this day, I went from frustrated I was running late to wanting only to hug my children and say thank you for that extra moment I had with them. As a mother, I could not imagine what Heather is going thru, but I know that I would not wish that on anyone. In the short span of today, I suddenly felt very small for wishing I didn't have to deal with some of my 'mom' duties. In the short span of today, I got a swift reminder just how short and unpredictable life can be and how much there is to not take forgranted.

My heart goes out to the Spohr family.

***In lieu of flower the family asks that you make a donation in Madeline's honor to the March of Dimes.

Risk Aversion?

A few weeks ago I wrote this post to which I pondered a question, not because of where it originated, not because of who was involved in the original conversation, but because it struck a chord with me.

For the past week or so, the statement has been made regarding my 'risk aversion' - not as someone who has known me long, not as someone who has ever faced a 'risky' situation with me, but merely as an observation from someone who has conversations with me at work. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly the statement of 'your not a risk taker' have come up in conversation and each time I pause briefly and wonder..."Who me? Not me. I take plenty of risks."

The truth is however, if I think long and hard about it, I do not have a history of taking risks. Oh I've done some really stupid things, I've gone out on a ledge at times, I've even done something without having a backup plan...but a, there is not much I can think of that I have actually done with out contemplating and calculating the risk involved. If the odds don't fall in my favor, then its a fairly sure bet I won't be involved.

I don't like to lose.

I don't like to not be in control.

I don't like 'fly by the seat of my pants' and hope I come out on top.

So if I know this about myself, then why do I take it so personally when someone says 'you're not a risk taker?' Perhaps its because I want to be, a risk taker that is. Perhaps I want to prove everyone wrong. Perhaps I want to seem unpredictable and fun and carefree. I know myself, even if I try to deny myself, but accepting it is another story entirely.

There is nothing wrong with playing it safe, nothing wrong with taking calculated risks, but for seems kind of old. It reminds me of being an adult, being grown up, being responsible, being OLD! I do not like to think of myself as OLD - seriously, who does?? Age, it's just a number but age has nothing to do with adulthood or growing OLD and I feel grown, I feel stable and I feel like I'm responsible for much more than my piece of this spinning rock.

Oh I know, I could be much worse off and I'm sure I'm stressing over nothing but you know, even when I visit the casino I only play the most common numbers in craps and only after I've watched the table make a few rounds...I mean, seriously, who jumps in and starts betting without getting a feel for how hot or cold the table is???

Do you wish there were things about your personality you could change?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Ingorance is Bliss?

DQ is a smart little girl, sometimes I think she is too smart for her own good (definitely smart enough to keep me on my toes). She is the product of a relationship long ago since over and her bio-father isn't really in the picture. She's always known about him, the little I would tell her but she's never had any real interaction with him, no actual interaction at all aside from a phone call or two that stopped a long time ago. I say all this, not to paint the man in a bad light, but to merely set the premise for the conversation that ensues...

DQ: I am the only one with a different last name (upon hearing me refer to us as the 'Kel' family)
Me: Not true, I have both your last name AND daddy's last name.
DQ: but why am I different?
Me: Well, mommy married daddy so she took his last name and Little Miss and Jr were daddy's children so they got his last name and you, you're special you got mommies last name because she wasn't married to daddy when you were born. If you want daddies last name, we can do that. DQ: Yeah, I want to be just like the family.
Me: Ok, but that means that Mr. 'Donor' is no longer apart of it, you would only have 1 daddy.
DQ: oh, well then never mind, I don't want to give up Mr. Donor.
ME: Why?
DQ: Because Mr. Donor gave me a doll (which is now buried amongst her other gazillion stuffed animals)
Me: Hum, but daddy gave you a bike, what about that?
DQ: Yeah, but he didn't give me a doll.
Me: Right, but daddy gave you a computer and games and scooters and (the list is endless)
DQ: Ok, I know and those things are great.
Me: But .... you don't even know Mr. don't even get to see Mr. Donor.
DQ: I know. Why is that?
Me: Well, its complicated and I don't really have an answer for that.
DQ: I know...its because he's really busy.
Me: Really busy? (insert long silent pause) Well, let me ask you think it's ok?
DQ: Yes, he's busy mom.
Me: Really? What if mom ignored you when she was 'really busy' is that ok? What if dad ignored you when he was 'really busy?' Is that ok?
DQ: No, ya'll can't ignore me...ya'll love me.
Me: Yes, but its ok for Mr. Donor to ignore you?
DQ:, I guess not. Does that mean that Mr. Donor doesn't love me?
Me: Well....I'm not saying that, its just......complicated.

I love my daughter and I would do anything in my power to keep her from being hurt, but its tough. I have never explained the circumstances of how this nonexistent relationship came to be because she is too young and honestly, it has no bearing on things thus far. I've been able to push off the questions with simple answers of 'He's far away' or 'He's busy' and she's moved on from that subject until I will not accept those answers.

These were the answers I provided many years ago, not the answers he provided, because honestly, he didn't provide any. But there comes a point, in this realm of parenting where empty answers do not suffice because in essence, what we say is what we teach our children. What I accept in my own life, my child learns as OK, what her mother says is the reasoning and allows it to be ok in their life...the child learns to accept as an answer as well.

I had never thought saying "He's busy" would ever be an answer and the logic to her reasoning, perhaps an excuse, but never an answer. I would hope I'm teaching my child that excuses are not answers and excuses are not acceptable, but obviously I have miscalculated just how many excuses I have allowed to be taken as answers.

Obviously, I have a lot more parenting to do, because ignorance - is NOT bliss.

Do you accept excuses as answers or do you seek the truth, no matter the cost?

Monday, April 6, 2009

Not Me Monday

It's time for another round of Not Me Monday.

I DID NOT spend my wonderful Friday Night Cleaning and doing laundry while the hubs was having a good time at a basketball game and I would never enjoy such a task either! (Is this a mom phrase or what??)

I DID NOT increase my 'do it yourself home remodel' list by an entire whole room, which includes tiling the floors.
(I found such a bargain I just couldn't pass it up - I should stay away from Home Depot)

I DID NOT enjoy my 'date' night with the hubs and we DID NOT laugh out loud at the comedic efforts of dueling pianist that entertained us.

I DID NOT finally get part of my yard reseeded and today it is totally NOT remotely COLD. (Seriously... 75 to 45 in less than 24 hrs...what is up with this crazy weather??)

I DID NOT wonder where the time had gone each time DQ reinvented the theme and gifts she wanted for her upcoming birthday.
(I thought time went quick when I was a kid, but it seems it has picked up speed since I became a parent.)

Come join the fun and read other Not Me Mondays here or here!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Fear is....

Fear is...
...being told, at 20 weeks pregnant, that you are in premature labor, you are bleeding and there is nothing more the doctors can do for you except pray.

Fear is...
...letting your 9month old child go as you get on a plane, headed to a war somewhere far away knowing this could very well be the last time you ever get to see her or hold her again.

Fear is...
...working for just enough to cover the daycare expenses and other necessities of raising a toddler and wondering if you will ever be able to provide you child the type of life they deserve.

Fear is...
...packing what little you can into the truck of your car, along with your cat and daughter and joining the hundreds of other motorist in a last ditch effort to out run one of the most devestating hurricanes to hit the US. All the while knowing you may have nothing left to return to and you were barely holding on to begin with.

Fear is...
...watching your child be hurt by the actions of others, careless, thoughtless, apathetic adults who have no sense of compassion and being powerless to do anything to prevent the pain that results.

Fear is NOT...
...checking on your child at 10:30pm and realizing she is not in her bed. (Not unsual as I find my child with make shift beds elsewhere all the time)

...not being able to find said child after searching all the usual places she ends up after deciding she does not want to sleep in her bed.

...searching for your child for 20 minutes, turning every light on in the house and shouting her name because the house alarm has been on since you tucked said child into bed and no doors have been opened.

Fear in NOT...
...Finding said child comfortably asleep under her sisters crib, neatly hidden by her sisters crib skirt, curled snuggly up with a blanket....

...That my dear friends is....
PANIC and the utter self restraint to not hug said child until their eyes bulge from their head in an effort to throttle them because you were seconds from having a heartattack!

On a side note, I wonder if perhaps said child did not think this was some clever way to get her mamma on a slightly early April Fools joke??? ;)

What is YOUR best/worst April Fools joke memory??