A few weeks ago I wrote this post to which I pondered a question, not because of where it originated, not because of who was involved in the original conversation, but because it struck a chord with me.
For the past week or so, the statement has been made regarding my 'risk aversion' - not as someone who has known me long, not as someone who has ever faced a 'risky' situation with me, but merely as an observation from someone who has conversations with me at work. Not once, not twice, but repeatedly the statement of 'your not a risk taker' have come up in conversation and each time I pause briefly and wonder..."Who me? Not me. I take plenty of risks."
The truth is however, if I think long and hard about it, I do not have a history of taking risks. Oh I've done some really stupid things, I've gone out on a ledge at times, I've even done something without having a backup plan...but a risk...no, there is not much I can think of that I have actually done with out contemplating and calculating the risk involved. If the odds don't fall in my favor, then its a fairly sure bet I won't be involved.
I don't like to lose.
I don't like to not be in control.
I don't like 'fly by the seat of my pants' and hope I come out on top.
So if I know this about myself, then why do I take it so personally when someone says 'you're not a risk taker?' Perhaps its because I want to be, a risk taker that is. Perhaps I want to prove everyone wrong. Perhaps I want to seem unpredictable and fun and carefree. I know myself, even if I try to deny myself, but accepting it is another story entirely.
There is nothing wrong with playing it safe, nothing wrong with taking calculated risks, but for me...it seems kind of old. It reminds me of being an adult, being grown up, being responsible, being OLD! I do not like to think of myself as OLD - seriously, who does?? Age, it's just a number but age has nothing to do with adulthood or growing OLD and I feel grown, I feel stable and I feel like I'm responsible for much more than my piece of this spinning rock.
Oh I know, I could be much worse off and I'm sure I'm stressing over nothing but you know, even when I visit the casino I only play the most common numbers in craps and only after I've watched the table make a few rounds...I mean, seriously, who jumps in and starts betting without getting a feel for how hot or cold the table is???
Do you wish there were things about your personality you could change?