Aspire...

Another year has come and gone and so it is that we change the calendar, make promises to ourselves, believe in superstions and look towards tomorrow a little more hopeful than yesterday because we want to believe that what lies ahead is better than what has already past.  Perhaps it will be and perhaps we still have a few lessons we need to learn in this ever changing life of ours, but one thing is for certain - this year will be different.

Regardless of the economy or the political change that is in the works, these things will always afford us a different perspective on the new year, but for me making a change and seeking a year that is different than the last is part of climbing to get to the next view.  Part of how I do this is to participate in a one word, overarching theme to my year.  It sets the tone and allows me to channel my energies into various directions, but with a singular goal in mind.

My word this year is: ASPIRE.

I find myself haunted by a certain phrase in life that keeps creeping up in the most unexpected places "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  Perhaps this is not a bad problem to be haunted by, but I think what bothers me the most about this is that I truely do not have an answer...I have not found a "label" that I want to be identified as and so I search and seek and enjoy the possibilities that tomorrow I can be something different.  Eventually though, I stop to look back and wonder, what did I do with my life?  What did I accomplish?  What did I leave behind? Pass on to my children?  Did I touch any lives or do anything to make tomorrow better for mankind?

So for me, this year will be about aspiration - the aspiration to be something better than I am today.  To leave something behind for others and know that in my small way, I made a difference.

This year will be different!

Year in Review...Believe

Once again, it has been quiet around these pages.  This is not for lack of things to say, but rather my hesitation in saying anything at all.  A lot has transpired over the course of the last 12 months and while change is not always "easy" it is always necessary if we want to continue to grow.

I started this year like I do any other year - a shiny, hopeful outlook.  There is something magical about the date on the calendar that says January 1 that makes me feel as if the possibilities are endless that lay ahead.  A few years ago, I stopped writing resolutions and instead starting choosing a one word theme of what I would like to work on.  There are many things that I would like to work on to improve myself and sometimes it is hard to pick ONE, but the one I choose is what I would most like to work on/get better at/achieve.

Last year, my word was Believe.   Funny thing (looking back now) I didn't know how big of a part this word would actually play role in my future decisions.  Hind sight being 20/20, here are a few of the things I learned...

• Led a team of professionals (inexperienced in our business) and continued operations as normal

 I learned to believe in my own abilities as a professional.  Having knowledge and being able to do a job can be easy if you don't have to think about it, or even be responsible for it, but when it either will succeed or won't because of your actions, it takes on a completely different meaning.

• Stepped out of my comfort zone and changed career focus

I learned to believe in myself and to accept change for the necessity that it is.  There are forces at work bigger than we are and we are not always given the insight or ability to understand them when facing challenges.

• Packed my home and my family and moved...far far away. 

 I learned "When people show you who they are, believe them."  People are complex beings in words, but actions are so profound and sometimes you just have to open your eyes to be amazed.

 This year, I took a leap of faith because I wanted different results.  It has not been easy and there are days I have cursed the word "change," but I have grown and I know I am a better person.  I have learned about myself things I never saw before and I have learned about others, things I never wanted or expected to see.  I have hurt, I have cried and I have laughed and felt my soul soar on the wings of tomorrow.

As this year comes to a close, I know my journey is far from over - I can feel it in my bones, but rather just beginning.  I am looking forward with eye's wide open to what the future holds and wishing you each a bright and better tomorrow.

Putting the I in...

It's been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I don't like to believe there is truth in that statement, however there are days when I question what I believe...today is one of those days.

I, by default, tend to put the "I" in b*tch...especially when I am not comfortable in my environment.  That is not to say that I am typically the big B....however I am closed off and outwardly overly professional until I become "comfortable" in my surroundings.  Let me preface this thought with one thing - I use the term b*tch based on my own personal definition:  "One who is emotionally withdrawn, directly speaks their mind and is no nonsense about the direction they intend to proceed."

Remember, this is my inital projection and "first impressions are lasting impressions."  I prefer to understand the expected outcome - all facets of the current way of doing business and then determine what (if any) changes should be made.  Over time, once I am comfortable in how processes work, then I soften and can bend the rules where applicable.  Part of this is based on the trust that is built through working relationships, understanding political agendas and identification of where the "land mines" are hidden.

While this attitude tends to work well in the mail dominated world I spend the bulk of my time, this also happens to spill over into my personal world, which is less suited for the harshness it brings.  It takes longer to build "friendships" and when they are broken, often it is unrepairable.  I am not saying they are severed, but they are rarely, if ever, the same and often respected from a distance.  I will say that I do not recommend  this approach in a personal life - however due to my own past experiences, I am a little unorthadox.

There are only a few times, when I look at the path - this path - that I am traveling down and actually take the time to stop and look back at the friendships, the relationships that I have walked away from and let my heart ache for the loss.  Today, is one of those days for me...I miss my friend.  I miss the bond I thought we shared and even though I might be able to change the outcome of this situation, I've learned that if someone doesn't appreciate you today - they will not appreciate you any more or less tomorrow.

So for now, I hold on to the good memories and trudge past the bad down this road towards my tomorrow. Why?  Because I know there are people who deserve what I have to give and will appreciate me for what I am.

The view from here is: Overcast with a chance of hopefulness.

Wanting to be Needed

Most of the time around here I talk about communication - talking about what we want, saying what we need, telling others that they matter, praising someone for their actions, but I fail to ever mention (and maybe because I tend to forget it exists) the many unspoken aspects of life that are just as important in a balanced work/life relationship.

The last few months have been a bit quiet around here because I agreed to move my home and my family 1000 miles away.  It was a rather quick decision without much preplanning, but when an opportunity arises, I believe we either seize the day or let it pass us by, but that is a story for a different day.  As I just mentioned, this move was unplanned and ill prepared for, but we decided to go and thus began the process of getting ready, which is very hard to do when one person leaves months ahead of the rest of the family. 

I have always prided myself on being self sufficent.  I can do many things and those which I know I cannot, well, I can hire assistance.  I am not so blind as to think I can do it ALL however, I am an idiot enough to think I can do most of it by myself.  Sadly, I cannot and I needed more help than I ever realized ... in the end I think I learned as much about me in this process as I did about normal human nature.

I give a lot, I also ask a lot in return.  I have high expectations and a determined personality.  I like to be needed by other people, I like to be wanted for a skill that I can provide and I like to support those around me as they attempt to reach their goals & dreams.  I like to give praise for a "job well done," and I like to show my appreciation for others.  I don't like big, showy, "spot light" presentations, lots of fan fare or excess attention drawn to myself, an acknowledgement is enough for me.   But in my need for 'being needed' I lost sight of the fact that other people like and want to be needed too. 

During this move, I had friends who've I've known many years - those which I've dropped things in a moments notice to help - cowar behind "other obligations" and become recluse.  The people I thought I could count on without a doubt were no where to be found in my times of need.  Then there were people who I've known only a short time who came out of the wood work to help me when I they noticed I was stressed and didn't have to say "I need help."  What is important, is that I DID need their help, I was failing under the tremendous pressure of doing it alone but didn't feel like I could ask these people for help because the ones I did ask for help had turned me down.  These people who helped, saw a need and answered my unspoken request.  They kept tabs on me and they supported me from start to finish...anytime things would get to tough they were there to make sure I had whatever support  I needed to get to the next step.  Without them, this move wouldn't have been possible.

The view from here is: Sunny with a chance of Optimism

Motivation

I've struggled a lot lately with the idea of "loving" what you do, of "living" for what you do.  For me, my work is both, I love what I do and what I do drives me to push farther every day.  My work is my passion...seeing something grow, change, morph - become better than it was before is what I live for.

I will admit that there have been certain times in my career where I have felt less than appreciated and there are moments when I am faced with the harsh reality that I am as replacable as the next person.  This is only a J.O.B after all, but doing what I do makes me satisified overall.  Perhaps that is why I've struggled with the idea that the people I work with do not enjoy their jobs in quite the same way. 

Don't mistake my previous statement - I don't think everyone has to be thrilled all the time, however there attituded are almost apathetic in nature.  They are here - 5 days a week collecting a paycheck.  What we do and the quality of service that we do our job is of little concern to them and that bothers me.  So how do I change that?  Well for starters, I cannot do it alone...

A review of the research literature by James R. Lindner at Ohio State University concluded that employee motivation was driven more by factors such as interesting work than financial compensation. John Baldoni, author of Great Motivation Secrets of Great Leaders, concluded that motivation comes from wanting to do something of one's own free will, and that motivation is simply leadership behavior--wanting to do what is right for people and the organization

If I stop and look around at the climate I am currently in then I will notice these are sorely lacking in the work environment today.  I think the biggest factor is that there is no leadership example to follow, in fact they are about as transparent as you can get.   Daniel Pink, author of A Whole New Mind, says that true motivation boils down to three elements: Autonomy, the desire to direct our own lives; mastery, the desire to continually improve at something that matters to us, and purpose, the desire to do things in service of something larger than ourselves.

So what does all this tell us....motivation is a complex thing (as if we didn't already know that) that requires more than gobs of money.  For me and my situation today - perhaps it is time to have a little chat with the boys and put them in the drivers seat towards their own motivation.

Follow your desire

How can you know where you're going if you don't know where you've been?

When looking for a new job or attempting to justify the raise you believe you deserve or simply doing an annual performance review, there are certain things that must happen in order to make these things successful.  I'm referring to the fact that with any of the items above, documentation of what you have been doing is needed.  

Sometimes that is the easy part, sometimes its the hard part.  In any job that we do, certain expectations are placed on us - we will complete certain tasks and we will get paid to do a job for 40 hours a week.  We will be rated on our performance and we will compete with our peers for raises, promotions and bonuses.  How well we do in our positions is completely up to us.  If we follow only the black and white and nothing beyond that, then we meet minimum requirements.  If we color outside the lines in how we approach our job, we risk doing the wrong things.  The beauty in coloring outside the lines is that sometimes it is purely magical and we create more than our bosses could have ever imagined.

So where am I going with all this....I'd like to say a job should be fun - it shouldn't be "work."  Reality is, in many cases, it is just WORK...just where we go for 8 hours a day and there is no passion for what we do.  I've heard many people talk about their job in such a disgruntled way.  They are in a rut.  They want more money.  They have too much to do.  They feel under appreciated.  I could go on, but in the end it comes down to what do THEY want out of it?  Do they even know?

Some people can tell you exactly what they want, but most cannot, which is the reason why they are unhappy.  One thing I've learned throughout  my journey is that without knowing what you want, you will always have unfulfilled desires.  It's easy to get stuck in ruts when this is you...I know, its been me too.  I do a little of this and maybe a little of that and think I'll just hang out *here* until I figure out what I want to do when I'm really not happy being *here.*  

So how do we fix this?  Well it isn't hard, but that doesn't mean it is a quick fix either.  Find out what you want and make a plan to get there.  Start with what you want, add in the skills requird to do what you want, then look at the training to make yourself competitive.  Sometimes we already possess the skills and we just need a refresher.  Sometimes we don't know the answer to any of the questions above except what we want to do and in those instances, we can talk to people who do what we want to do and have them provide insight, perhaps even mentorship.

I recently heard a quote in a movie that I have found inspiring...

"What would you do today, if you knew you wouldn't fail?  ...........  Now go out and do it."

~K

Before it is Too Late...

In a recent conversation, it was stated that good Project Managers are aware, actively engaged and are forward thinking in the projects they are involved with.  The "not so good" project managers tend to subscribe to the 'auto-magic' school of thought where projects run themselves and they fail or pass completion on the efforts of others.

Shortly after this statement I found myself in a conversation  prompted by the "What's and How's and Who's" that come when communication is missing.  A project, a task or even simple teamwork is only as good as the communication that it is built on.  Talking is not the same as communicating.

Examples of negative impact are easy to find, a project falls apart, a task fails to be completed, a team does not trust one another.  Communication, however works both ways and sometimes its the lack of acknowledgement that can lead to as much destruction as anything else.  Sadly, I've watched the lack of outward acknowledgement break apart teams that worked exceptionally well together and the things that should have been said while they were there only were spoken in their absence.  

Communication is hard, but it is key to what we do and it will make or break the job at hand.

The View...

...From here is a little bit different than the one yesterday and probably still not quite what it will be tomorrow.  That's the thing about "your view" - it is seen through your eyes and colored by your perceptions.  In business, just as in life, the longer we do something the better at it we become because we gain knowledge.  We learn to expect the unexpected and prepare for the unpredictable.  We expand our mind, our beliefs, our perceptions and in turn, our view changes.

I talk about business on here...specifically, my business and how I relate to it, but reality is that this is just my life....my view of life from where I'm at today.  I've been many places and I've been fortunate enough to see many aspects of business.  I've had good mentors and I've had bad mentors...all of which have brought me to this point right now.  The view from here is kind of hazy.  I have limited visibility and even though I know it won't stay like this for long, I am at a critical point in my journey that leads me to wonder if it is time for a change.

Yes, when I started this space I was going through a change that had my mind, heart and soul in knots.  I didn't know if what I was doing was right or wrong, should I trust or should I question. I simply just.did.not.know.  Today though, I don't worry about those things...I am just ready for what lies ahead and I feel content with the excitement that I don't know what is over the next horizon should I choose to head down the path less traveled.  The knots in my stomach these days come from what I can see and from what I believe lies ahead in the path I am currently traveling.

I believe it is time for a change...I believe I am ready and I am believing in myself, my instinct, my heart and my soul...that what comes next is only the beginning of the great things yet to come.  Where it will lead - I do not know.  All I know is that *this* is the window to my room with a view.

L is for Language

Language....do know what it means?
One definition suggests:

any set or system of such symbols as used in a more or less uniform fashion by a number of people, who are thus enabled to communicate intelligibly with one another

Which according to the above would lead us to believe LANGUAGE is a form of COMMUNICATION.  So what is communication?

the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs. 

So if I understand the definitions correctly, language enables communication which is what allows us the ability to share or pass along ideas.

As a baby we are born with no language skills and limited forms of communication, we grow into children and are taught how to express our needs/wants through verbal  requests which are rather direct and straightforward.  As we progress into young adulthood we learn the technique of manipulation, the art of  "speaking without being direct."  As adults, we refine this ability and hone our skills into an instrument with which we use at our discretion.  In the business world - this skill can make or break you.

I want to preface the following paragraphs by saying that I am NOT insinuating the business world is comprised of liars, manipulators or people set out to mislead you.  I am simply pointing out that we all know a "silver tongued devil" or two and even though we don't like to admit it, we have used our knowledge of this ability to our advantage at least once in our life.  The thing I find most fascinating in what I do each day is just how much language actually impacts the outcome.

See, in my world words are everything.  One word can have different terminology depending on what is being discussed - which is true of many languages.  A simple term like "customer" could mean a person I provide support to who simply has no impact on the information they are requesting, it could be a person I provide support to who is changing information for their customer (sometimes referred to as end user). it could be a developer or a manager who needs information based on the end result of a process.  The point I am making is that not only is a "customer" someone I support, but specifically a customer is a person who requires a different "type" of support with very different results, even if they asked the exact same question.

*This room* offers me the ability to observe  various levels of communication and I am often amazed at the inability to completely understand each other when so many words are being used to convey the same meaning.  Business processes that are affected by the use of ambiguous terms that look good on paper, but have very little impact or meaning to the person who is actually attempting to follow that process.  It reminds me a lot of a legal document - where they use 15 words to say something that could have been written in 5 and requires a degree to understand the meaning of the 15 word sentence.

I am not complaining - I LOVE to talk...I am merely making an observation on what I see today.  It reminds me of watching a play, I wonder what satirical retort will come in the next act....?

Hope SPRINGS Etermal

“It's spring fever.... You don't quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!” Mark Twain

A beautiful Saturday morning with the sun breaking just across the horizon and I sit here ready to face the day.  Its an odd change for me, so many mornings this past week have found me restless and tired, struggling to move with the work day chimes "time to get up."  So much has been going on, so much as been in motion for so long that I'm not sure I can remember life outside of this carousel ride.  There are so many things that I have wanted to write over the past few days, weeks but when I sit down my brain is not ready yet, today, it is very much ready, able and willing ...

The last I wrote I was faced with a new opportunity in the journey of my career.  Fear of the unknown, fear of failure and fear of leaving my comfort zone plagued me daily, but the little seed of hope found a little water and a little sunshine and broke through all the dirt trying to hide it.  Like the little flowers that I nurture each day, slowly sprouting forth, opening their leaves searching for their moment in the sun...so am I.

I am a loyalist by heart, but I do not do well when I have been screwed back stabbed belittled embarrassed wronged.  Yes, I am that person who understands the political games in the corporate environment and can 'play nice with others,' but will never forget (and rarely trust) a persons motives after that point.  The biggest hurdle for me recently (despite what fears I mentioned earlier) was leaving the TEAM I have called mine for the last few years.  There is something about thinking what I am leaving behind will struggle that had me making commitments to help them this week and last.

I have juggled, struggled and walked a tight rope between then and now with my efforts only half focused on whats in front of me instead of what is behind me.  I would like to say I succeeded, but the reality is I just SURVIVED...barely.  By the time it was over tempers had flared and demands were made that I said I would complete. Now....I am done and fully able to turn my attention to the SPRING that is all around me.  Not just outdoors, where I sit and wonder when the green began covering all the branches outside my window, but also inside me where I can embrace all the beauty that comes from traveling a new path.

It won't always be sunny and there will be pot holes in the road, but when we open our eyes and our hearts to the world around us, embrace the opportunities for all they are, we grow as people.  What better time to grow then right now...spring!

Opportunity Knocks

Opportunity, it's a beautiful word.  It's thrilling what is knocking at your door and it's terrifying when is staring you in the face.

I'm sitting in a hotel room tonight (my room with a view) thinking about an opportunity that I spent 6 hours today pursuing.  The funny thing about this opportunity is that I am not sure why I want it.  I'm not sure if it will help me get to where I want to be in a long run.

A few weeks ago I was given a different opportunity, and honestly it scared me.  I think what makes the two  so different is that I wanted the opportunity that I was posed with first and the second one is just a nice to have.  The idea of not being successful at what I really wanted to do made me think twice about accepting the offer, made me want to stay where I'm safe and comfortable and I know that I'm good at what I do.

Opportunity is a funny thing, sometimes you don't get a second chance if you fail to take it the first time that knocks on your door.  For me, I'm jumpin in with both feet...time to learn to swim again.  I don't know what the future holds for me, but I believe in ME enough to try & find out.

Hang on tight...it's about to be a bumpy ride........

Believe

There is something to be said about writing when the emotions are real and raw and have yet to be dulled by time.  In the business world, those emotions can get you into trouble and more and more companies are trying to monitor social networks or create policies to prohibit usage of social network sites because people are letting their emotions run wild.  Personally, I've always had the motto of "Don't put it in print, if you wouldn't say it to a persons face" and that has always served me well.

Yes, there have been moments that I have had to take a step back, count to ten and sleep on it before I ever opened my mouth....but sometimes there are the moments when something happens and in the process of sorting through it, figuring it out, accepting whatever it is...the honesty in those emotions are humbling.

Today was one of those days for me.  Change - chaos - sudden and unexpected, meant to throw the tilt-a-whirl off balance once again, wondering if I should stand up or just sit here a little longer.  An opportunity to try something new, different and a place to grow.  That is exciting.  I have ranted and stomped my feet, I've thrown a fit, I've shouted at the world in frustration because I felt invisible and I felt like there was no progress being made.  I've made baby steps and those felt like every ounce of aggrevation were worth it when you see a project start to come together or you see a lightbulb light up with understanding.  I held on to those moments because that was all I had, until today.

Today, I was offered an opportunity to step outside my comfort zone, to see a different view and learn...I was chosen for a part I didn't even know I was auditioning for.  It is an incredible feeling to know someone noticed me and those who see me everyday, who know I exist, those people now sit and worry I will be no more....I hate the later feeling.  I am thrilled by the prospect of something new and yet frightened by the fact that I could fail miserably and be deemed a fraud by my previous successes.  As much as I am humbled by the confidence they believe me to have....there is a loyalty to the current group that I feel obligated to support.

No one can make this decision for me and there will always be pros and cons to any choice.  Perhaps it is time to put my 2012 word to the test and BELIEVE in myself.

Letting Go

Sometimes moving on means being strong enough to let go.

At this moment in time, those words couldn't be any truer for me because I feel like I am the only one left holding on to a sinking ship while everyone else plans their escape route.  Is this really a sinking ship....No.  Is anyone planning their escape route...debatable.  The point is that words and emotions and perception are swirling in my head and I am caught in the current of what I feel and what I can logically explain to myself.

For months I have been buckled into the rollercoaster of change, quietly reminding myself that it was "safe" with every dip, loop and sudden sharp turn because I had the safety bar pulled snugly across my lap.  Everytime fear would creep into my thoughts I would tell myself that if I just held on a little longer, the ride would come to a complete stop and I would exit carefully to my right, look back and smile because I did it....survived what felt like a death defying act, but would look more like a kiddie ride when I was firmly planted on the ground.

Instead, here I am fighting the urge to throw in the towel, to say "I give up...." and prepare for my next move while feeling like quiting is cowards way out and "just a little further...." will turn everything around.  No, I don't want to give up, but when is enough finally enough?  I sat aggrevated today over training.  The thing that got me to reconsider was a friend who said "Why are you mad, you have every opportunity...What do you want to do?"

Ok, truth is that made my blood boil more, but sometimes the truth does that to a person.  Sometimes we need a reality slap in the face to help us open our eyes and look around.  For me...that was it.  My friend was right, the opportunities were there, every rebuttal I tried to come up with all pointed to the same thing...the opportunity was there, I just did not take it.  It was my choice, not to take them because I believed what I was doing was what I was supposed to be doing.  I thought I needed to be there, to hold on when everyone else was giving up, to keep it together, to somehow keep everything going when it all felt like it was coming apart.  The thing is ... no one asked me to hold anything together, I just believed it needed to be done and was putting in all the effort I had to make it work.

I never did reply beyond a few written and erased lines of text because in that moment I knew what I wanted...I didn't want to let go of what had been before all the changes had started taking place.  The question I couldn't answer, however, was would it really be so bad if it all came crashing down?  Sometimes in life we have to rip out the entire page instead of erase, or tear it all down to start over.  Sometimes what matters more to the structure is the foundation it is all built on and as long as that is solid, whatever is built on it  will withstand whatever comes its way.

Today, I considered letting go because I believe there is hope for what is yet to be built.

Team

A four letter word that means the simplest of things:

A number of person associated in some joint action.

However simple its meaning might be, its impact is temendously more complicated.  In the business world, 'team' has become the word of choice when referring to any group of people, a buzzword if you will, that conjures up images of cohesiveness and productivity.  Before recently, I had never paid much attention to its use, sure I'd noticed everyone using it and even casually referred to myself as part of a "team," but honestly, I found it all a bit patronizing.  Seriously, does someone really believe that if you put me in a room with a group of people for 8hrs a day, for a few weeks until we accomplish whatever task was set out before us that we are a 'team?'  I certainly  didn't.

I believed rather than being a part of a 'team' I was part of a group.  We were all likeminded individuals with the same goal...and since we all liked receiving our paychecks on a regular basis we would work to be successful at what we were tasked to do.  Work is easy, its a lot like algebra to me.  We have a boss (the teacher) and they would give us a task (the equation) and our job would be to provide the answer (solve for "x").  Sometimes, there were other variables (y & z) or formulas we had to solve before we could continue with the original problem, but each time we would complete the task, another would be waiting.

The thing that management classes and books can't really train you for is how to truely cultivate a team.  A team is about so much more than just a group of people working on some joint task, but rather understanding each member, identifying strengths and weaknesses, trusting one another, pride in the work and knowing that a reflection of one is a reflection of all that are apart of the final result.  The funny thing about 'teams' is that often the process is a seamless transition from a group to a team.  You can't force it, you can't will it, but you can help foster its growth as a manager who understands the difference between a 'group' and a 'team.'

Projects come and projects will go, deadlines are met, money ebbs and flows, careers continue in different directions, but our job leaders is to learn and lead by example.  To teach the ones around us and pass along the desire to leave behind something better, than when we found it.  For now, we are here to build a team.

Loop

Have you ever felt like you are going in circles?  Walking around in a "loop" with no way out and yet, somehow not quite aware that you need to find your way out...almost like the point in time just before you wake up where you're not really dreaming, but you're not really awake either.

I feel like I'm there.  That point where I have gone and come back full circle, but was blissfully unaware of the path until I reached the starting point again where it suddenly looked very familiar.  I struggle with this perception because I want to feel like I am moving forward and yet, I feel as if I am doing anything but that.  How many posts can I count back to where I 'want' something that feels so far away....too many.  Truth is however, I am here today and I know there has been progression, and still, it all feels so familiar.

I don't know where to begin, I don't know where to go, I don't know which direction is which ... I am simply maintaining the status quo.  Day by day, moment by moment, issue by issue....good god, it feels awful to feel so very 'reactive' instead of 'proactive.'  I can't quite get a handle on it all in order to get ahead of the power curve.  Everything has changed - nothing feels the same and yet it is still wrapped in the same outer covering.

I knew things would change, I knew it would have to be different.  I knew I would find my limits and yet, I am here still pushing, pushing, fighting to keep from letting it all fall apart. In my heart I know, it will not fall apart...it will fall - yes, but it will hold enough together to manage...I just can't seem to let go because I still have hope that somehow we can keep it all together, as is and yet different than it was before.

8 people began a journey and then there were 7 who felt the strain.
One by one it was reduced and with it the knowledge, the expertise, the skill was removed until there were 4.
Four hold the ropes while we learn to include new ones and slowly it grows again.
1, 2, 3 the help appears all knowing that 4 original are moving on...passing the torch.
How do we keep it together when the threads seem to be unraveling..............

Endings and Beginnings

Friday, December 30...last work day of the year and one more regular day before we say goodbye to this year for good.  Whew........

For as fast as this year has flown by, there have been moments of time ticking by painfully slow.  When I started the year, I made a resolution to 'feel' something because I felt so detached from everything and emotionally numb.  I wasn't sure what that journey would entail, but at the time it was what I wanted most in my life.  Now that the year is past I can honestly say that I succeeded, but as is life...with the joys come the sorrows and I felt both. 

I'd like to think that somehow I mistakenly chosen the wrong 'personal goal' and somehow fate had determined mine should have been 'change,' but I believe now that change in an unhappy (but necessary) requirement when it comes to breaking out of the emotional box I had been protecting myself with.  Change, oddly enough, was the consistent part of my life over the last 12 months as I experienced loss of a friend, hope that things would be different better, fear that somehow they were very stagnate instead, sadness as I realized I had taken so much for granted with my daily habits, frustration because I could not change the world around me, overwhelmed, lost, lonely....

Yes, I realize the list above lacks words like joy and  happiness and I did feel those too, but for every high the low was exceptionally low.  The funny thing about this year is that no matter what, I never doubted that I would get through each moment.  The belief that it was temporary and it would pass kind of drove me through the various emotions.  So I sit here today and contemplate what do I hope/want/desire/wish for next year and I realize that this year was much more than I ever imagined.  It taught me faith.  Faith in myself (which I am still working on) and faith in others around me. 

I don't know what 2012 has in store for me (and part of that is frightening,) but  I'm going to make a point of embracing the possibilities that lie ahead.  Both good and bad are an unfortunate part of life that allow us to break barriers and become more than we are today.  So I am going to continue down the path of self rediscovery and allow myself to be open....

Next year is all about the Possibilities!

It feels like a lifetime since I wrote down my thoughts, but here I am (again) after thinking I was going to walk away from it all, right.back.where.I.started.

Life is funny like that - you can make plans of your own and then something will change and put you on a different course that you never saw coming.  I don't know....maybe it is the time of year or maybe I'm growing 'spiritually or mentally,' but these days so much of what I see AND feel just kind of hits me in the gut and takes my breath away.

There is a lot that is going through my brain and I'm not really sure where to start...emotions are high (both good and bad) and there are times I feel like I'm drowning, but if nothing else I want to say that I am going through many changes right now.  Changes that tweak my view of life and the world around me.  I'm hoping this outlet will help me make sense of it all and understand why my life is simply what it is.  Maybe that is all I've ever been searching for - the meaning of life...my life.  Who knows, but I guess here is where the next chapter begins.

~K

I've Moved - Update

I have moved out of blogspot and onto Wordpress...

I know - you're probably asking yourself WHY??

I LOVE blogger and I've tried to get around having to move...this is my home, but I've given in to it all because Wordpress has different privacy settings.

I miss being able to speak my thoughts when no one knew me and I had no fear of repercussion so ...I've moved.

Don't forget to subscribe to the NEW ME!

Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,



WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?



It is April 16th, 2009 and I have yet to see spring like weather, I am starting to worry. Oh yes, you tempt me with your 'budding' of the trees and the wild flowers that popped up among the frozen, thawing, frozen again ground...but now they have all died and shriveled away and I don't think they will be coming back. Even my poor, pitiful yard is still brown and unhappy (and I want you to know I spent good money getting that yard resodded last year with the hopes of enjoying it fully this spring and I AM NOT!)



I do not know what has caused this sudden seasonal shift, the hubs is convinced that we are not infact headed to mass exodus via global warming but a more subtle frozen tundra of our very own Ice Age. I have always defended you and argued this point, however lately, this has been harder to do as with each 30 degree morning I face he looks at me and says "See, honey...What did I tell you?"



I am still clinging to my own theories though.

1. During this especially cold snowy and icy winter, you managed to slip and hit your head. Thus causing some type of minor brain concussion resulting in temporary memory loss (yes, I say temporary because I just know you will remember to send summer our way, even if you forgot spring.)



2. I am getting older-excruciatingly evident by the constant eye rolling of my oldest daughter-but I have heard about you my entire life, so you MUST BE OLD. I say this not in a demeaning manner, but more as an observation. Has the 'CHANGE' finally hit you - have you decided the hot flashes are too much to bear in the ever warming days of spring that lead to the swealtering heat of Summer? I understand you need to stay cool, but some of us are not quite there yet and would like to enjoy a little warmth in our weather.



3. I know I can be 'whiny' at times (I would never admit this openly and no, my hubs opinion DOES NOT count) with my constant..."oooh it so cold I wish summer would get here" and "Oh mai holy hell its hot, will it ever not cool off?" but I really don't mean any of it. (Ok, maybe a little...no, I take it back, I don't mean any of it) Perhaps you finally got tired of all the complaining and decided to just say 'Screw it' and quit changing seasons, but here's the deal...that's not really going to work for the rest of us out here who ENJOY the variety. We complain...its what we do, I know we should appreciate what we have, but its not personal and it was never directed at YOU!



So here's the thing...



If you would be so kind as to bring back spring (for its remaining time) and perhaps let us enjoy summer without some sort of blistering heat I would really appreciate it. I'm sure everyone else who has constantly woken up to 30 degree mornings and random snow falls would really like a little greenery in their lives as well. Not to mention it really SUCKS when I finally get a nice day to get out and do some yard work, only to find my plants frozen 3 days later and my seedlings...yeah we won't even go there. So perhaps you could do us all a little favor and quit hording Spring...WE WANT IT BACK!!

Love,
Kel

College Life

I sit here tonight and wonder aimlessly thru my drafts looking for something worthy of a post ... nothing.

As I surf (should be working on the bathroom some more) and casually watch my Monday night TV show Greek, I think to myself...are college experiences really like this? Obviously, this is tv and so it cannot be anything exactly like this, but it is based on something, right?!

The show is based on the Greek system, college parties, boy/girl drama, finding hookups love, and finding yourself before you graduate...not so far fetched. None of this seems hard for me to grasp and yet, I think back to my college experiences and think...holy hell...I totally missed something if this is anything like college.

Yes, I was that girl. I did not like the greek system...the girls seemed superficial, the guys seemed egotistical and I...was exactly nothing like that. I took my snooty little nose, dressed in my all gap wardrobe and stared down at them like some lower class being. I was at school to learn and these people my peers were just blowing their time. Didn't they realize they needed a 10yr plan and that their actions had consequences and everything they did needed to have meaning??

As I look back on my 'college dayz' I see a miserable, lonely, self absorbed little girl. I can remember one frat party where I drank a few too many, some guy treated me like another ditzy airhead chickie and I...well, I punched him, he dropped his beer and it shattered. Oh, it was not pretty, he was furious pissed upset and I...I quickly made my exit, never to return again.

I did not have uber late night study sessions with classmates, I did not hang in the 'lounge' and meet people or sit on the green and play games. The time I spent in the cafeteria was to eat and go and I preferred Denny's...even then I was alone. Short of my stalker 1st roommate during summer school (can you say NERD that I went to summer school to start early prior to my freshman fall semester) I didn't really have friends.

SO...what I'm curious about for all you wonderful peeps out there is...what were YOUR 'college dayz' like? Did you party for 6 years? Did you go for a semester and realize this was not your cup of tea? Did you pledge a sorority and find sisters for life? Did you study hard and meet your soul mate in the library?

Tell me all about what YOUR experiences were like??