When I started blogging 4 years ago, that home was my outlet. I didn't do it for comments. I didn't do it for visitors, I didn't pay attention to site hits. I didn't publicize to my friends and family what I did and I did not give the world proof that it was Me and not just someone who resembled me.
What I did however was speak honestly and from the heart. I talked about what bothered me and while I didn't name drop, everything I wrote then was real and raw. That site is now closed.
A year ago, I decided to move homes and thus began CafeKel, my home where no longer was I struggling with fear of what the future was going to hold, but instead I decided to publicly 'find' myself. Accepting the past for what is was and deciding to go forward and change the things about me I didn't like and improve the things about me that I did like.
I started reading the 'big' name bloggers, I started looking at hit counts and visitors and I wanted comments. Seriously, how else am I supposed to improve me without outside input? All the things "Blogger Success" internet searches brought up became my mantra. Random erratic posting stopped. I ventured outside my comfort zone and began commenting. I put a face to my name and I told friends and family.
In the beginning, I still wrote what I thought, with more structure and more thought, but as more people found out what I did the more I wrote words that were not published. The more my statistics showed my neighbors visiting the more I ventured from 'raw' me into comical anticdotes my children provided. Don't get me wrong, everything I wrote was me, but sometimes it was a bland, diluted version of me.
Even with the less 'in your face' kind of posts, I managed to find my words thrown in my face from someone I had let get close and it hurt. Everything going forward became calculated and MY voice became muted where the things I said were merely actions in a play unfolding around me, until I found myself viewing the daily task of posting as merely an unrewarding chore. I questioned why I did this, who really cared if I did it or not and if perhaps, with life taking the turns it has, if my family wouldn't be better off if I stopped.
In the end....
I enjoy writing. I enjoy the friendships I've made. I look forward to the give and take, the difference of opinions and the amazing, unconditional human spirit I've seen unfold when 'one of us' is in need.
What I don't like is how much I've let myself be silenced for fear of how it would be used against me in the future. Fear - letting myself be dictated by it ... again. Fear - letting it take away the pleasure in the little things.
So....Something's gotta give. I'm making some changes and while I would never intentionally want to hurt someone, sensoring myself out of 'fear' is not where I want to go with this blog....its time to get back to my roots.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Not Me Monday
I am joining the ranks of all you wonderful people and playing along with Not Me Monday!
I DID NOT make a ginormous pot of Gumbo complete with chicken, sausage, shrimp & crab...yum yum!
I DID NOT run away for an hour at the laundr-o-mat (once again) because I have yet to buy a new washer and I DID NOT tell the hubs not to fix it, despite that being my excuse all week.
I DID NOT think something was horribly wrong with DQ when she decided to build a fort in the computer room and fell asleep in it in the middle of the day.
I DID NOT thank god and grace that Little Misses eye has cleared up.
I DID NOT do as little as possible this weekend when the hubs came home.
I DID NOT watch a James Bond movie marathon with the hubs, because I missed him and was willing to let him get away with it just because he was home and I totally DID NOT keep quiet when the hubs decided to paintball for a few hours the day after he finally came home.
Oh and I almost forgot... I DID NOT (would never do such a crazy thing) as write this post while relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath (dog and laptop in tow!)
What did YOU not do this weekend??
I DID NOT make a ginormous pot of Gumbo complete with chicken, sausage, shrimp & crab...yum yum!
I DID NOT run away for an hour at the laundr-o-mat (once again) because I have yet to buy a new washer and I DID NOT tell the hubs not to fix it, despite that being my excuse all week.
I DID NOT think something was horribly wrong with DQ when she decided to build a fort in the computer room and fell asleep in it in the middle of the day.
I DID NOT thank god and grace that Little Misses eye has cleared up.
I DID NOT do as little as possible this weekend when the hubs came home.
I DID NOT watch a James Bond movie marathon with the hubs, because I missed him and was willing to let him get away with it just because he was home and I totally DID NOT keep quiet when the hubs decided to paintball for a few hours the day after he finally came home.
Oh and I almost forgot... I DID NOT (would never do such a crazy thing) as write this post while relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath (dog and laptop in tow!)
What did YOU not do this weekend??
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thank Goodness...
TGIF!
I sit here and start and stop paragraph over paragraph. I notice I have not posted since Monday...my Not Me Monday...and think about how it seems like an eternity since this week started.
Yes, this has been a week from hell. Thoughts are swirling in my head, but only one keeps coming to the forefront. My daughter - the very being that I believe saved me from myself and yet, my need to talk about it all, to get the confirmation that I am not alone or even to get some much needed advice to tell me that they have been there and in the end, it works out...I cannot put it here. To put it here would be to publicly display my fears, my hurt, my wants and my wishes. To put it here would provide all sorts of ammunition to be used against me or to prepare a defense towards ... neither of which I am willing to do.
I am not alone in this battle that wages behind the scenes and consumes part of my brain and a large portion of my heart. I am not alone and the other party...well, they lurk from time to time and until this is over I will not play games with what needs to be done. I will not speak my mind, because I know they will twist my words and not understand the gravity of their actions. I will not share my fears because they will just prey upon those weaknesses.
Instead I will say...I am not gone, I am still reading and commenting as much as my soul will allow and above all else, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend - I know you all deserve it!
I sit here and start and stop paragraph over paragraph. I notice I have not posted since Monday...my Not Me Monday...and think about how it seems like an eternity since this week started.
- I am not at a lack for words, there was the moment I had a vision of clarity and for that brief instant could revel in all the joy that are my girls without being a parent and just be.
- There were the day(s) I just put my head in my hands at work and took a deep sigh at the audacity, opinions, nerve, idiocy of some people.
- There was the OMG-I'm going to be sick to my stomach because tomorrow is the first step in the process I tried to avoid.
- There was the - holy crap my baby has pink eye and the Dr. won't fit her in his schedule.
- There was the moment I realized I am teetering on the edge with a little girl who is smart enough to know better, who needs answers to the questions I am trying so hard at protecting her from...those moments when I wish there was a blueprint for parenting on how to handle the tough questions.
Yes, this has been a week from hell. Thoughts are swirling in my head, but only one keeps coming to the forefront. My daughter - the very being that I believe saved me from myself and yet, my need to talk about it all, to get the confirmation that I am not alone or even to get some much needed advice to tell me that they have been there and in the end, it works out...I cannot put it here. To put it here would be to publicly display my fears, my hurt, my wants and my wishes. To put it here would provide all sorts of ammunition to be used against me or to prepare a defense towards ... neither of which I am willing to do.
I am not alone in this battle that wages behind the scenes and consumes part of my brain and a large portion of my heart. I am not alone and the other party...well, they lurk from time to time and until this is over I will not play games with what needs to be done. I will not speak my mind, because I know they will twist my words and not understand the gravity of their actions. I will not share my fears because they will just prey upon those weaknesses.
Instead I will say...I am not gone, I am still reading and commenting as much as my soul will allow and above all else, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend - I know you all deserve it!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Not Me Monday
Things I didn't do this weekend include....
1. I DID NOT totally waste all my weight watcher points on pizza and budlight when we decided to spend a few hours sans kids for the hubs soccer team.
2. I DID NOT feel my heart swell when the hubs left me a beautiful flower bouquet and card, the morning he ran away for spring break with Jr.
3. I totally DID NOT find myself jealous the hubs got to leave and spend spring break camping.
4. I DID NOT enjoy the few hours I got to spend with DQ at the RiverKings Hockey game and they totally DID NOT Win!!
5. I DID NOT curse loudly when the washing machine decided to crap out 5 minutes after filling up with water and dirty laundry.
6. I DID NOT load my pj clad children, dirty laundry and sippy cups into the car for a redneck morning of Laundromat clothes washing.
7. I DID NOT laugh out loud when DQ told me it smelled like 'poop' in the car only to realize she had stepped in it. I responded with "you have dog 'sh*t on your shoe' and her immediate reply was "well mom, I didn't know there was dog sh*t there when I stepped there."
8. I DID NOT make my children and all my pets play outside for the two hours I spent mowing the yard, weed killing and fertilizing the grass.
9. I DID NOT feed my family microwave dinners because we were tired.
10. I most definitely DID NOT finish my 6000 word final paper, close the computer and jump for joy!
What did you NOT DO this weekend?
1. I DID NOT totally waste all my weight watcher points on pizza and budlight when we decided to spend a few hours sans kids for the hubs soccer team.
2. I DID NOT feel my heart swell when the hubs left me a beautiful flower bouquet and card, the morning he ran away for spring break with Jr.
3. I totally DID NOT find myself jealous the hubs got to leave and spend spring break camping.
4. I DID NOT enjoy the few hours I got to spend with DQ at the RiverKings Hockey game and they totally DID NOT Win!!
5. I DID NOT curse loudly when the washing machine decided to crap out 5 minutes after filling up with water and dirty laundry.
6. I DID NOT load my pj clad children, dirty laundry and sippy cups into the car for a redneck morning of Laundromat clothes washing.
7. I DID NOT laugh out loud when DQ told me it smelled like 'poop' in the car only to realize she had stepped in it. I responded with "you have dog 'sh*t on your shoe' and her immediate reply was "well mom, I didn't know there was dog sh*t there when I stepped there."
8. I DID NOT make my children and all my pets play outside for the two hours I spent mowing the yard, weed killing and fertilizing the grass.
9. I DID NOT feed my family microwave dinners because we were tired.
10. I most definitely DID NOT finish my 6000 word final paper, close the computer and jump for joy!
What did you NOT DO this weekend?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Superhero or Superneurotic
Consumed? Involved? Obsessed?
Any one of these words comes to mind when I think about my life these days. This is almost the end of another week and yet I feel like I am running at breakneck speed without a destination mainly because I feel I am chasing after something I don't really believe I will ever catch.
Not only is it simply another week in my ever.so.chaotic.world, but it is DQ's spring break. One that I am secretly harboring massive guilt because I go to work and she goes to camp and we come home and get ready to do it again tomorrow.
Oh I know, she's at camp and she loves it, I have to work to pay for camp and honestly...I NEVER did that sort of thing growing up. My spring breaks were spent roaming the neighborhood on my bike with the other neighbor kids looking for ways to entertain ourselves (can you say bike races or waterballoon fights?!) I want to give her more than what I had, but I also know that I already am giving her more than I had at her age and yet...I feel like I am barely keeping up.
Simply put, I'm maintaining. Life as I know it is fast paced and cram packed. Always something to do, always something to see, always someone needing to find a lost shoe or wanting to have a conversation about...well, about nothing but the thoughts in their mind. Me - I want to be supermom, superwife, superhuman and get it all done with a smile on my face and my makeup in tact...instead my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I'm breathing so hard I think I might pass out! (quick pass the paper bag)
Not that long ago (yes, I wish I could forget) I said I wanted a change and something was going to give. Well, I got my change - full speed ahead and now I cross my finger and hope I remembered to wear my depends, because when this thing stops...I think I may sh*t myself.
Do you ever feel like you can't keep up?
Any one of these words comes to mind when I think about my life these days. This is almost the end of another week and yet I feel like I am running at breakneck speed without a destination mainly because I feel I am chasing after something I don't really believe I will ever catch.
Not only is it simply another week in my ever.so.chaotic.world, but it is DQ's spring break. One that I am secretly harboring massive guilt because I go to work and she goes to camp and we come home and get ready to do it again tomorrow.
Oh I know, she's at camp and she loves it, I have to work to pay for camp and honestly...I NEVER did that sort of thing growing up. My spring breaks were spent roaming the neighborhood on my bike with the other neighbor kids looking for ways to entertain ourselves (can you say bike races or waterballoon fights?!) I want to give her more than what I had, but I also know that I already am giving her more than I had at her age and yet...I feel like I am barely keeping up.
Simply put, I'm maintaining. Life as I know it is fast paced and cram packed. Always something to do, always something to see, always someone needing to find a lost shoe or wanting to have a conversation about...well, about nothing but the thoughts in their mind. Me - I want to be supermom, superwife, superhuman and get it all done with a smile on my face and my makeup in tact...instead my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I'm breathing so hard I think I might pass out! (quick pass the paper bag)
Not that long ago (yes, I wish I could forget) I said I wanted a change and something was going to give. Well, I got my change - full speed ahead and now I cross my finger and hope I remembered to wear my depends, because when this thing stops...I think I may sh*t myself.
Do you ever feel like you can't keep up?
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