Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Open Letter to the DMV

**I'd like to introduce you all to the Queen - the Queen of Mayhem, that is. I can honestly say that this woman must be my long lost twin - except she has better hair, she has a way with words that bring tears to my eyes from laughing so hard and well, she is a queen - so come to think of it...we are probably no where near twins, but I think she's great.**

Hello All! Queen of the Mayhem here. Kel has asked me to guest post and since I think she is a rock star, I simply could not tell her no! I thought I'd share a little dose of the normal nonsense I serve up at my site on a regular basis!

To Whom it May Concern:
I had the privilege of visiting your lovely office today. The musty aroma of old building and stale air hit my nose right away. I suppose this is one way to keep your patrons awake as they wait for an eternity to be called to the back. How exciting it was to pull a number, like I was waiting at the deli of my local supermarket. I am even more enthused to sit in the hard plastic chairs in the waiting area. The best part was that all the chairs were I got to stay in touch with my fellow man. Considering the serial killer wannabes and trailer-loving rednecks everywhere, that aspect was even more appealing.

As if the chairs, stench, and close proximity were not pleasant enough, the excruciatingly painful, million year wait was an unexpected bonus. Nothing makes me happier than sitting and staring into space, willing myself not to make eye contact with the toothless freak next to me for what seems like forever! I was thrilled to see that there was no reading material provided in the office. Nothing squashes interpersonal relations quicker that giving the patrons something to read!

You can imagine my elation when, at long last, my number was called. It was so refreshing to move to another plastic chair and face a worker who spent the first couple of minutes rubbing lotion onto her hands, and the next few putting the 5000 rings she had removed back on her pudgy fingers. I would love to know who teaches the office etiquette classes at your establishment, as I long to have them come and speak to my coworkers. I was hoping that lecture titles could include:
*How NOT to Make Eye Contact when Someone is Speaking to You
*The Ins and Outs of Looking Really Bored at All Times
*How to Find out Information Uttering the Least Amount of Words Humanly Possible
*****And my personal favorite********
*How to Look Annoyed that Someone has the Audacity to Make you do your Job

But.....wait....I haven't even gotten to the best part. The area where you stand to take your picture is just top notch. I love the way the camera lens is down so low. It is just the perfect height for someone 5 '10 like myself. It felt very natural to lower my eyes, all the while still keeping my head raised for the shot. The best part was the final result of my license picture. The upward shot is so incredibly flatting of my neck.......and does not at all make it appear as though I have 3 chins! Add to that the squinting of my eyes as I peered down at your lens and you have ONE BEAUTIFUL PICTURE. Thanks to your fabulous equipment, my photo makes me look like a 500 pound Chinese woman. It was just breathtaking. At least I don't have to worry......I mean it's not like I will have to show anyone the picture....ON MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!

So.....thank you for all your wonderful services. I will be certain to recommend you to all of of my friends. You know.....the ones who long to appear as overweight ASIANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Queen of the Mayhem

Don't forget the Pajama Gram GiveAway!


the cubicle's backporch said...

The whole 'chairs-being-connected' thing really drives me crazy. WHY would you do that to people who don't want to be there in the first place?!

And I'm one of the lucky people who got to go back to the DMV four times to get my title transferred b/c they kept changing what they said they needed.


DysFUNctional Mom said...

This is hilarious! I do love the Queen. My favorite is the one about having the audacity to ask the DMV person to do their job.
As if!