Wednesday, December 17, 2008
You called the other day and after many 'unanswered' calls I finally picked up. The conversation had been played in your head many times, only this time it wasn't your script that you were hearing, but the silence on the other end of line - silence that mirrored how empty I felt as I listened to you talk.
What was wrong with me? I usually have so much to say in return, the words of wisdom, the antics to lighten the mood and make it all seem better than it really is - my ability to find the silver lining hiding within that dark, monsterous cloud.
I had none.
Instead as I listened to you talk, listened to you go on about how bad things were, how terribly wrong everything had gone in your life - there was no empathy, no sympathy - nothing but the hard, cold anger coming from somewhere deep within. Some place I did not even realize had give birth to such bitterness.
I knew, some time ago, things were going down for you and I could not face how I felt - I could not pretend to smile in the face of it all, so I stepped back and just stopped. Over and over in your life, time after time, again and again you have faced this same crap - it seems to always be just around the next corner and when life starts to get better, you manage to find your share of crap hiding under a rock.
I tried with you - I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, I tried to support you because that is what I thought I was supposed to do, but one day you took that away from me. In an instant, your blind rage ripped the rose colored glasses off my face and left me hurt and humiliated. I have never fully forgiven you for that day. It is this seed that has grown over time, this tiny little speck of nothing that has turned into so much more. It was this action that has found the equal and opposite reaction of today.
I know all too well just how difficult this time of year is for people, how lonely it can be. I do not know if you hoped I would open my doors to you - welcome you into the warmth of my world to shelter you from the storm now brewing in your own, but I did not. A mere passing thought, as I listened to you talk that in the end was met with three solitary words.
I. Am. Sorry.
I am sorry for all that you have gone thru. I am sorry for all the pain in your life. I am sorry that you chose to make bad choices when you felt you had none other to make. I am sorry that you feel so alone with so many around you. I am sorry I cannot, no, will not, give more to you than what I can give at this moment.
I Love you from the depths of my soul and it is because of this that I can only say I am sorry. We all must find our way, carve our path, and lie in the bed of choices we have made. Those were your choices to make and now I too must do what is best for me and my family. Choices I do not know if you understand yet, but hopefully one day you will.
I know you love me too - it is evident in the way you put on a brave front when I did not respond as you had hoped. Evident because you did not ask, even though you know I would have a hard time saying No. Evident because you have chosen to move forward as best you know how.
The time will come when my anger subsides and it is all right again. The time will come when I can give more of myself to you, more energy, more sympathy, more of what you need. The time will come - it always does.
Only in Time,