Have you ever felt like you are going in circles? Walking around in a "loop" with no way out and yet, somehow not quite aware that you need to find your way out...almost like the point in time just before you wake up where you're not really dreaming, but you're not really awake either.
I feel like I'm there. That point where I have gone and come back full circle, but was blissfully unaware of the path until I reached the starting point again where it suddenly looked very familiar. I struggle with this perception because I want to feel like I am moving forward and yet, I feel as if I am doing anything but that. How many posts can I count back to where I 'want' something that feels so far away....too many. Truth is however, I am here today and I know there has been progression, and still, it all feels so familiar.
I don't know where to begin, I don't know where to go, I don't know which direction is which ... I am simply maintaining the status quo. Day by day, moment by moment, issue by issue....good god, it feels awful to feel so very 'reactive' instead of 'proactive.' I can't quite get a handle on it all in order to get ahead of the power curve. Everything has changed - nothing feels the same and yet it is still wrapped in the same outer covering.
I knew things would change, I knew it would have to be different. I knew I would find my limits and yet, I am here still pushing, pushing, fighting to keep from letting it all fall apart. In my heart I know, it will not fall apart...it will fall - yes, but it will hold enough together to manage...I just can't seem to let go because I still have hope that somehow we can keep it all together, as is and yet different than it was before.
8 people began a journey and then there were 7 who felt the strain.
One by one it was reduced and with it the knowledge, the expertise, the skill was removed until there were 4.
Four hold the ropes while we learn to include new ones and slowly it grows again.
1, 2, 3 the help appears all knowing that 4 original are moving on...passing the torch.
How do we keep it together when the threads seem to be unraveling..............