Putting the I in...

It's been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I don't like to believe there is truth in that statement, however there are days when I question what I believe...today is one of those days.

I, by default, tend to put the "I" in b*tch...especially when I am not comfortable in my environment.  That is not to say that I am typically the big B....however I am closed off and outwardly overly professional until I become "comfortable" in my surroundings.  Let me preface this thought with one thing - I use the term b*tch based on my own personal definition:  "One who is emotionally withdrawn, directly speaks their mind and is no nonsense about the direction they intend to proceed."

Remember, this is my inital projection and "first impressions are lasting impressions."  I prefer to understand the expected outcome - all facets of the current way of doing business and then determine what (if any) changes should be made.  Over time, once I am comfortable in how processes work, then I soften and can bend the rules where applicable.  Part of this is based on the trust that is built through working relationships, understanding political agendas and identification of where the "land mines" are hidden.

While this attitude tends to work well in the mail dominated world I spend the bulk of my time, this also happens to spill over into my personal world, which is less suited for the harshness it brings.  It takes longer to build "friendships" and when they are broken, often it is unrepairable.  I am not saying they are severed, but they are rarely, if ever, the same and often respected from a distance.  I will say that I do not recommend  this approach in a personal life - however due to my own past experiences, I am a little unorthadox.

There are only a few times, when I look at the path - this path - that I am traveling down and actually take the time to stop and look back at the friendships, the relationships that I have walked away from and let my heart ache for the loss.  Today, is one of those days for me...I miss my friend.  I miss the bond I thought we shared and even though I might be able to change the outcome of this situation, I've learned that if someone doesn't appreciate you today - they will not appreciate you any more or less tomorrow.

So for now, I hold on to the good memories and trudge past the bad down this road towards my tomorrow. Why?  Because I know there are people who deserve what I have to give and will appreciate me for what I am.

The view from here is: Overcast with a chance of hopefulness.

Wanting to be Needed

Most of the time around here I talk about communication - talking about what we want, saying what we need, telling others that they matter, praising someone for their actions, but I fail to ever mention (and maybe because I tend to forget it exists) the many unspoken aspects of life that are just as important in a balanced work/life relationship.

The last few months have been a bit quiet around here because I agreed to move my home and my family 1000 miles away.  It was a rather quick decision without much preplanning, but when an opportunity arises, I believe we either seize the day or let it pass us by, but that is a story for a different day.  As I just mentioned, this move was unplanned and ill prepared for, but we decided to go and thus began the process of getting ready, which is very hard to do when one person leaves months ahead of the rest of the family. 

I have always prided myself on being self sufficent.  I can do many things and those which I know I cannot, well, I can hire assistance.  I am not so blind as to think I can do it ALL however, I am an idiot enough to think I can do most of it by myself.  Sadly, I cannot and I needed more help than I ever realized ... in the end I think I learned as much about me in this process as I did about normal human nature.

I give a lot, I also ask a lot in return.  I have high expectations and a determined personality.  I like to be needed by other people, I like to be wanted for a skill that I can provide and I like to support those around me as they attempt to reach their goals & dreams.  I like to give praise for a "job well done," and I like to show my appreciation for others.  I don't like big, showy, "spot light" presentations, lots of fan fare or excess attention drawn to myself, an acknowledgement is enough for me.   But in my need for 'being needed' I lost sight of the fact that other people like and want to be needed too. 

During this move, I had friends who've I've known many years - those which I've dropped things in a moments notice to help - cowar behind "other obligations" and become recluse.  The people I thought I could count on without a doubt were no where to be found in my times of need.  Then there were people who I've known only a short time who came out of the wood work to help me when I they noticed I was stressed and didn't have to say "I need help."  What is important, is that I DID need their help, I was failing under the tremendous pressure of doing it alone but didn't feel like I could ask these people for help because the ones I did ask for help had turned me down.  These people who helped, saw a need and answered my unspoken request.  They kept tabs on me and they supported me from start to finish...anytime things would get to tough they were there to make sure I had whatever support  I needed to get to the next step.  Without them, this move wouldn't have been possible.

The view from here is: Sunny with a chance of Optimism