Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Putting the I in...

It's been said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I don't like to believe there is truth in that statement, however there are days when I question what I is one of those days.

I, by default, tend to put the "I" in b*tch...especially when I am not comfortable in my environment.  That is not to say that I am typically the big B....however I am closed off and outwardly overly professional until I become "comfortable" in my surroundings.  Let me preface this thought with one thing - I use the term b*tch based on my own personal definition:  "One who is emotionally withdrawn, directly speaks their mind and is no nonsense about the direction they intend to proceed."

Remember, this is my inital projection and "first impressions are lasting impressions."  I prefer to understand the expected outcome - all facets of the current way of doing business and then determine what (if any) changes should be made.  Over time, once I am comfortable in how processes work, then I soften and can bend the rules where applicable.  Part of this is based on the trust that is built through working relationships, understanding political agendas and identification of where the "land mines" are hidden.

While this attitude tends to work well in the mail dominated world I spend the bulk of my time, this also happens to spill over into my personal world, which is less suited for the harshness it brings.  It takes longer to build "friendships" and when they are broken, often it is unrepairable.  I am not saying they are severed, but they are rarely, if ever, the same and often respected from a distance.  I will say that I do not recommend  this approach in a personal life - however due to my own past experiences, I am a little unorthadox.

There are only a few times, when I look at the path - this path - that I am traveling down and actually take the time to stop and look back at the friendships, the relationships that I have walked away from and let my heart ache for the loss.  Today, is one of those days for me...I miss my friend.  I miss the bond I thought we shared and even though I might be able to change the outcome of this situation, I've learned that if someone doesn't appreciate you today - they will not appreciate you any more or less tomorrow.

So for now, I hold on to the good memories and trudge past the bad down this road towards my tomorrow. Why?  Because I know there are people who deserve what I have to give and will appreciate me for what I am.

The view from here is: Overcast with a chance of hopefulness.

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