Thursday, July 17, 2008


I've been on a body issue week and the first few posts seemed rather easy in their relevance (at least in regards to my life.) Now, I've admitted that I have a few body issues, but for the most part my issues are resolved to a couple of major ones and most of the rest don't apply, however in my search for a song I heard recently on the radio I came across another one by the same artist that struck a chord with something I've long since forgotten about...pain.

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Let me start by saying that, personally I was never a cutter, but I've been very close to a few and even though I did not carry out this act, I was addicted to pain and found relief from my misery by inflicting it on myself. I'm talking physically hurting myself, pushing my limits just to see how far I could take them - someone once told me "pain makes us stronger" - I took that literally.

This was many years ago, when I felt powerless, confused and trapped. The circumstances outside of my control led me to seek the only things I could control; me and my body. I am not alone in this, unfortunately, because not everyone gets past it. It can be a very dark place in someones life and can carry on for a long time. Fortunately for me, I was able to move on and found wonderful people who were able to accept me for what I "thought" was me which helped me to start the process of accepting myself.

To those angels who carried me thru some dark times...I can never thank you enough. I often wonder where I would be today if I hadn't gotten past those feelings, the hurt, the feelings of powerlessness. It's hard and our coping mechanisms for our emotions come in all forms, shapes and sizes. So do the people it affects. It is not always obvious, on the surface, who is facing these demons - I was active in sports, school, socially...yet in the quiet hours alone I would face my thoughts and hide in the only comfort I knew...pain.

Why do I reveal this? It's simple - this is not me, not anymore, but it was me, a long time ago. Each day I go thru life, one day further from that person and those thoughts get buried underneath everything that is now, but this still happens around me.

You are not alone.


Jojo said...

I'm glad that time in your life is past you...I've had friends that would cut and it was hard for me to stand by and be helpless...but I saw that their destructive behavior was rubbing off on me in some ways, although I wasn't doing the action, I had started thinking in the same manner.

GoteeMan said...

I think sometimes, we find ourselves numbed - by circumstances, perpetual pain, loss, depression, loneliness, fear or whatever... our brain just seems to shut down the ability to feel it anymore... and we are desperate to just feel something - anything... I was reminded of this recently on an episode of "Rescue Me", where one of the main characters, Tommy, who had lost his son in an accident and didn't feel much of anything since, provoked this really tough girl to just beat the crap out of him... and he broke down in the middle of it all - he finally felt something.

I spent alot of years there between 13 and 21... and I can often see it in others. I think disapointment and "hope deferred can make the heart sick"... but it's easy to forget the rest - "but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"... it's amazing how just a small turn of events can completely change the view...


Queen of the Mayhem said...

I am so glad you are not in that place anymore. It is so depressing and lonely to feel that lost! I think a lot of people have felt that way...but only a few would be brave enough to share it so eloquently!

I heart you! :)

Oh...and BTW...saw your picture at Firecracker Momma....NICE RACK! (hee-hee)

Semi-Charmed Wife said...

Thanks for sharing something so raw and personal and real--it takes a lot of courage! You've made such a journey...