I do not want to be afraidLet me start by saying that, personally I was never a cutter, but I've been very close to a few and even though I did not carry out this act, I was addicted to pain and found relief from my misery by inflicting it on myself. I'm talking physically hurting myself, pushing my limits just to see how far I could take them - someone once told me "pain makes us stronger" - I took that literally.
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
This was many years ago, when I felt powerless, confused and trapped. The circumstances outside of my control led me to seek the only things I could control; me and my body. I am not alone in this, unfortunately, because not everyone gets past it. It can be a very dark place in someones life and can carry on for a long time. Fortunately for me, I was able to move on and found wonderful people who were able to accept me for what I "thought" was me which helped me to start the process of accepting myself.
To those angels who carried me thru some dark times...I can never thank you enough. I often wonder where I would be today if I hadn't gotten past those feelings, the hurt, the feelings of powerlessness. It's hard and our coping mechanisms for our emotions come in all forms, shapes and sizes. So do the people it affects. It is not always obvious, on the surface, who is facing these demons - I was active in sports, school, socially...yet in the quiet hours alone I would face my thoughts and hide in the only comfort I knew...pain.
Why do I reveal this? It's simple - this is not me, not anymore, but it was me, a long time ago. Each day I go thru life, one day further from that person and those thoughts get buried underneath everything that is now, but this still happens around me.
You are not alone.