Monday Madness - Traffic

Summer is quickly coming to an end which means back to school time! As I ventured out this past weekend I encountered some early signs of what is to come and boy am I dreading it (as I do every year.) I do not shrink away from the shopping because of the people in the stores...NO...the people in the cars are much worse - as they think their car is some sort of protective bubble and they can do whatever they like. So in the spirit of all things driving...

Monday Madness - 9 Traffic Circles of Hell


1. You buy an insanely hot and expensive car. But this pearl has been cast before swine: Rather than honor thy automotive fortune, you thumbeth your Blackberry and peek at its profane texts, all whilst straying from the path and coveting your neighbor's lane.

2. Three freeway lanes are shrinking to two, as signs brighter than burning bushes have been suggesting for miles.You finally stop within inches of the flashing merge arrow. Only then do you try to squeeze in line—while feigning utter surprise that your lane has disappeared.

3. You drive a Camaro.

4. I walk through the valley of the shopping mall, yet I shall fear no evil. Until you zipped in front of me into that parking space, even though freakin' Lazarus could have seen that I was there first, meekly waiting to inherit that patch of earth.

5. You worship at the black altar of Harley-Davidson, but you're no biker. You're a normal, suburban guy hiding behind leather Village-People outfits and a wall of assaultive noise.

6. That new BMW or Benz is virginal and pure. Yet you make of it a cheap prostitute, adorning it with 22-inch golden rims, smoky-eyed windows, and a glittering wing on its back.

7. You've spent an eternity in the fast lane, doing 59 mph, holding up charitable souls with an actual destination. Finally, cars attempt to pass on the right—and you respond by flooring the gas to cut off their opening.

8. You're a committed Greenie, a tireless apostle against global warming, evil corporations and any SUV. Your mode of transport? A decrepit, Woodstock-era VW bus that spews more pollution than a dealership full of Hummers.

9. You buy an SUV of Ark-like proportions, insisting you need room for all the world's species, off-road capability for the coming flood, and the towing capacity and mighty V8 to tear down the very walls of Jericho. Yet your household has begat a single toddler, plus a toy poodle. The biggest burden you've ever pulled is potting soil from Home Depot.

What actions do you think deserve banishment to the traffic circles of hell?