Thursday, October 9, 2008

Battle of the Spanx

What woman does not want to look her best?

Certainly I am no exception, but looking great is not always an easy task. Looking great requires time and energy, sometimes it requires a little creativity and inginuity and for me, it requires quite a bit of effort and up keep. Hence, this post.

  • 3:00pm - Decide to get ready for evening out.
  • 3:10 - shoo baby away from toilet paper roll, Place dress in a handy but unreachable (by grubby baby hands) place, set shoes next to dress.
  • 3:15 - find spanx so that slimming dress will look even better!
  • 3:25 - Stare at spanx and wonder how to get big thighs in without using large crane like machine.
  • 3:26 - begin process of squeezing oversized body into undersized undergarments, suck in and hold breath while jumping furiously up and down.
  • 3:30 - gasp for air as I have finally gotten in and did not pass out in process
  • 3:32 - Admire slimming figure in mirror - attempt to figure out how to breath while encased in spandex
  • 3:40 - Track down missing baby, remove toy from mouth that was found in sisters bedroom and return to bathroom with said child, DO NOT STEP on toys placed strategically on floor to occupy child.
  • 3:50 - Begin curling hair
  • 3:51 - realize that I have to pee
  • 3:52 - set curling iron down and begin process to remove slimming wrap
  • 3:55 - pee
  • 3:56 - keep baby from unrolling all the toilet paper
  • 3:57 - begin process of putting spanx back on
  • 4:00 pm- jumping complete, breathing again, begin curling hair
  • 4:10 do not let said baby grab the cord that has dropped within reach while curling hair above ear - must apply ointment for burn
  • 4:15 - stop child from unrolling toilet paper, resume hair curling
  • 4:16 - realize I am finding it difficult to breath, chalk it up to price to pay to look fab
  • 4:20 - notice child is not in bathroom anymore - go in search of baby
  • 4:30 - child hungry, must feed child before getting dressed.
  • 4:50 - return child to bathroom to keep an eye on her, must pee AGAIN....damnit
  • 4:51 - decide it can wait, must finish hair
  • 4:52 - stop child from unrolling toilet paper AGAIN
  • 5:00 - Running behind schedule, really need to pee...
  • 5:01 - remove spanx and pee
  • 5:03 - attempt to put spanx back on without jumping...wiggle, stretch and pull...give up and jump
  • 5:08 - must re-fix hair that was undone during jumping
  • 5:10 - give up and let child unroll ALL the toilet paper
  • 5:20 - Baby sitter arrives, hand child to her and finish makeup
  • 5:30 - slip slimming dress over the suffocating spanx and admire finished product. Stunning!

Smile sweetly at hub as we exit and try to figure out how I'm going eat dinner?


A Buns Life said...

And the mend actually wonder WHY it takes us so freaking long to get ready???? :)

A Buns Life said...

I can't type today....MEN

Lori @ Front Porch Legacy said...

Hilarious! I wore my Spanx last weekend and when I took them off I exclaimed to my husband, "BOING"!
At least I could take a deep breath again.

Aleta said...

I've never tried Spanx before, but will need something for the wedding gown. Can't imagine saying vows and not being able to breath! And I've wondered how women handle those things and go to the bathroom!!

the cubicle's backporch said...

I agree with a buns life. Next time your husband complains about you making him late, this would be a great thing to show him. hee hee.

I've never tried spanx, but I do have my mom's victoria secret slimmer that is about three sizes too small for me and LORD it messes with my innards!!!!

Kimmylyn said...

What is Spanx?? and why does it sounds so painful!!! Step away from the Spanx Kel.. LOL

Laura said...

Let's stop playing with words--it's a girdle! It's our mother's revenge on us when we laughed at them when they were getting dressed to go out. We thought we had it made with our boomer mentality--HA!

By the way, the woman who came up with Spanx--she's skinny. What the heck did she need them for? To punish the rest of us? Luckily I have no where to go and nothing to wear.

Flatman said...

Could possibly be a money maker on America's Funniest Home Videos??? :)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Too funny! If this were me, I'd have had to add in "cursing profusely" each time I had to pee and take off the spanx!

Nina said...

It is indeed a girdle, as my mother observed when I lifted the hem of my dress to show it to her. "I'm glad," she said, "that you finally realize that a well-dressed lady SHOULD wear a girdle." Groan! When did I finally become a well-dressed lady? When did any of us? Your post is so funny and so true. But the point about looking stunning in the dress with the Spanx is the clincher. Which is why I gasp and yank and curse and cry myself into Spanx every single morning.