Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Standing's what I've been doing in one aspect of my life.

Simply standing in one solitary location, waiting to be given a reason to move, waiting to be asked to participate with everyone else, waiting for the music to move me, to find my groove and yet...all I've done is stand and wait.

There has been so much of myself called into question lately that I could no longer stand here and wait. I could no longer just be 'a fixture' in the room...instead I had to become a participant in the action. I had to make choices I've avoided, I had to face certain truths I would rather be oblivious too and I instead of standing, I had to take a stand of my own.

And so I have - now please excuse me while I go vomit up my dinner.

I am a fence sitter by nature. I watch and I sway with the way the wind blows me never making a definitive choice because in truth, rarely do I see it as one is better or worse than the other - they are both unique and different and to deny one would be to deny all that comes with it. It is not something I can easily do - however, push me into a corner, trap me in the middle of a battle, invade my comfort zone and I will no doubt stake my claim and fight to the death.

Lucky for me...this side is rare. But now, events have been placed in motion that make me sick. Events that I hoped would never come and yet here they are. Moments that I believed if addressed with tact and care could be avoided have proven as easy to navigate as a minefield in the dark.

I do not have a compass, I do not have a map...I take it one step at a time. Today I do not know the outcome and despite my thoughts I cannot put them here. However if anyone has any Night Vision Goggles (NVG) or metal detectors or a shield protected bubble suit they could let me borrow I would be grateful. I'm even up for a trade if you are looking for something yourself... :)

How have you learned to navigate that which is called LIFE?


kel said...

I'm on the same fence... sittin' right next to ya, girl!

Zandria said...

Wow...this sounds pretty heavy. I hope everything's okay!

Kori said...

Take it a day at a time, do the next right thing, and mroe will be revealed. That's how I do it. And not well, most of the time. My thoughts are with you!

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

I came to an epiphany at age 30 and got off the fence!!

mommaof4wife2r said...

girlie...i am with you. i know it's hard. you'll make it...i promise. it's hard, but it will get easier at some point...that point is where you will look back and see that it was all worth it. i promise.

Heather said...

i hope you're alright. me, i just take it one day at a time. and sometimes, i take it one second, one minute, one hour at a time.

it's all in the little moments where you can just breath.

i have a song that might help you.
i'll email it to you. it's been really helpful for me lately.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Hope everything is OK. I'm a peace keeper by nature...not one to stir up trouble or controversy and wanting to be a "pleaser." It can come back to bite you, though!

I'm about to turn 40 this summer (!) and I am really trying to find my inner mojo and NOT be such a fence sitter!