Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Back to Basics

When I started blogging 4 years ago, that home was my outlet. I didn't do it for comments. I didn't do it for visitors, I didn't pay attention to site hits. I didn't publicize to my friends and family what I did and I did not give the world proof that it was Me and not just someone who resembled me.

What I did however was speak honestly and from the heart. I talked about what bothered me and while I didn't name drop, everything I wrote then was real and raw. That site is now closed.

A year ago, I decided to move homes and thus began CafeKel, my home where no longer was I struggling with fear of what the future was going to hold, but instead I decided to publicly 'find' myself. Accepting the past for what is was and deciding to go forward and change the things about me I didn't like and improve the things about me that I did like.

I started reading the 'big' name bloggers, I started looking at hit counts and visitors and I wanted comments. Seriously, how else am I supposed to improve me without outside input? All the things "Blogger Success" internet searches brought up became my mantra. Random erratic posting stopped. I ventured outside my comfort zone and began commenting. I put a face to my name and I told friends and family.

In the beginning, I still wrote what I thought, with more structure and more thought, but as more people found out what I did the more I wrote words that were not published. The more my statistics showed my neighbors visiting the more I ventured from 'raw' me into comical anticdotes my children provided. Don't get me wrong, everything I wrote was me, but sometimes it was a bland, diluted version of me.

Even with the less 'in your face' kind of posts, I managed to find my words thrown in my face from someone I had let get close and it hurt. Everything going forward became calculated and MY voice became muted where the things I said were merely actions in a play unfolding around me, until I found myself viewing the daily task of posting as merely an unrewarding chore. I questioned why I did this, who really cared if I did it or not and if perhaps, with life taking the turns it has, if my family wouldn't be better off if I stopped.

In the end....

I enjoy writing. I enjoy the friendships I've made. I look forward to the give and take, the difference of opinions and the amazing, unconditional human spirit I've seen unfold when 'one of us' is in need.

What I don't like is how much I've let myself be silenced for fear of how it would be used against me in the future. Fear - letting myself be dictated by it ... again. Fear - letting it take away the pleasure in the little things.

So....Something's gotta give. I'm making some changes and while I would never intentionally want to hurt someone, sensoring myself out of 'fear' is not where I want to go with this blog....its time to get back to my roots.


April said...

Whatever you do decide, Kel, I'll keep on reading! I love your voice (and since I've never heard your voice-voice, obviously I'm talking about your writing-voice!) and I enjoy your posts!!

♥spoiled mommy♥ said...

Girl I understand, I felt for awhile there that I lost the meaning for my blog...its for me, for me to write about my daily life for my kids to read or look at the pictures one day, my big "baby" book sorta speak. Im going back to writing about my days instead of writing what I think people will want to read, what will get me more comments, if they like your stuff they will stick around.
I will keep reading girl, you ar ein my reader...even though life gets me busy and I dont comment as much or as often as Id like doesnt mean I dont read.

tootie said...

Good for you! Be true to yourself, and the rest will fall into place :)

Kim said...

Kel.. I so get this post. I truly do. Though it is funny for me..the more I found myself in my blog.. the more it hurt real people in my life. It is a crazy double edge sword..

Do what makes you happy... I may not have commented here in MONTHS..but I am here..whenever you need an outlet..

I truly consider you a friend and cannot wait to see your new journey with the blog.


Tiaras & Tantrums said...

I will read you regardless - sorry for the turmoil - can you block the IP from the meanie??

A Buns Life said...

If you go to wordpress you can lock up certain entries....and only those with a password can read them. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Kori said...

This could be me writing; I feel every word you are saying.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Good luck! It sounds like a good change.

Caffeine Court said...

This blogging thing is such a slippery slope.

I've had to dilute my blog too. Being too honest has gotten me into hot water.

I've decided to save my venting posts for my private diary.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand this feeling. I started my blog to just, heal. TO grow. To learn about myself.

And even now, it works, sometimes. But other times I get words thrown in my face, I get the "why can't you move on" and the anger at times.

But after all of that, I still can't give it up.

I'm here no matter what :)