Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Letting Go

Sometimes moving on means being strong enough to let go.
At this moment in time, those words couldn't be any truer for me because I feel like I am the only one left holding on to a sinking ship while everyone else plans their escape route.  Is this really a sinking ship....No.  Is anyone planning their escape route...debatable.  The point is that words and emotions and perception are swirling in my head and I am caught in the current of what I feel and what I can logically explain to myself.

For months I have been buckled into the rollercoaster of change, quietly reminding myself that it was "safe" with every dip, loop and sudden sharp turn because I had the safety bar pulled snugly across my lap.  Everytime fear would creep into my thoughts I would tell myself that if I just held on a little longer, the ride would come to a complete stop and I would exit carefully to my right, look back and smile because I did it....survived what felt like a death defying act, but would look more like a kiddie ride when I was firmly planted on the ground.

Instead, here I am fighting the urge to throw in the towel, to say "I give up...." and prepare for my next move while feeling like quiting is cowards way out and "just a little further...." will turn everything around.  No, I don't want to give up, but when is enough finally enough?  I sat aggrevated today over training.  The thing that got me to reconsider was a friend who said "Why are you mad, you have every opportunity...What do you want to do?"

Ok, truth is that made my blood boil more, but sometimes the truth does that to a person.  Sometimes we need a reality slap in the face to help us open our eyes and look around.  For me...that was it.  My friend was right, the opportunities were there, every rebuttal I tried to come up with all pointed to the same thing...the opportunity was there, I just did not take it.  It was my choice, not to take them because I believed what I was doing was what I was supposed to be doing.  I thought I needed to be there, to hold on when everyone else was giving up, to keep it together, to somehow keep everything going when it all felt like it was coming apart.  The thing is ... no one asked me to hold anything together, I just believed it needed to be done and was putting in all the effort I had to make it work.

I never did reply beyond a few written and erased lines of text because in that moment I knew what I wanted...I didn't want to let go of what had been before all the changes had started taking place.  The question I couldn't answer, however, was would it really be so bad if it all came crashing down?  Sometimes in life we have to rip out the entire page instead of erase, or tear it all down to start over.  Sometimes what matters more to the structure is the foundation it is all built on and as long as that is solid, whatever is built on it  will withstand whatever comes its way.

Today, I considered letting go because I believe there is hope for what is yet to be built.

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