Friday, March 27, 2009

Thank Goodness...


I sit here and start and stop paragraph over paragraph. I notice I have not posted since Not Me Monday...and think about how it seems like an eternity since this week started.

  • I am not at a lack for words, there was the moment I had a vision of clarity and for that brief instant could revel in all the joy that are my girls without being a parent and just be.
  • There were the day(s) I just put my head in my hands at work and took a deep sigh at the audacity, opinions, nerve, idiocy of some people.
  • There was the OMG-I'm going to be sick to my stomach because tomorrow is the first step in the process I tried to avoid.
  • There was the - holy crap my baby has pink eye and the Dr. won't fit her in his schedule.
  • There was the moment I realized I am teetering on the edge with a little girl who is smart enough to know better, who needs answers to the questions I am trying so hard at protecting her from...those moments when I wish there was a blueprint for parenting on how to handle the tough questions.

Yes, this has been a week from hell. Thoughts are swirling in my head, but only one keeps coming to the forefront. My daughter - the very being that I believe saved me from myself and yet, my need to talk about it all, to get the confirmation that I am not alone or even to get some much needed advice to tell me that they have been there and in the end, it works out...I cannot put it here. To put it here would be to publicly display my fears, my hurt, my wants and my wishes. To put it here would provide all sorts of ammunition to be used against me or to prepare a defense towards ... neither of which I am willing to do.

I am not alone in this battle that wages behind the scenes and consumes part of my brain and a large portion of my heart. I am not alone and the other party...well, they lurk from time to time and until this is over I will not play games with what needs to be done. I will not speak my mind, because I know they will twist my words and not understand the gravity of their actions. I will not share my fears because they will just prey upon those weaknesses.

Instead I will say...I am not gone, I am still reading and commenting as much as my soul will allow and above all else, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend - I know you all deserve it!


Heather said...

i have been thinking about you a lot this week, and i don't know why-- now i know why! you needed the extra thoughts! i haven't been on in awhile either, so i am glad that i checked in.

thanks again for that beautiful email.

Tiaras & Tantrums said...

hope all is BETTER??