When I started blogging 4 years ago, that home was my outlet. I didn't do it for comments. I didn't do it for visitors, I didn't pay attention to site hits. I didn't publicize to my friends and family what I did and I did not give the world proof that it was Me and not just someone who resembled me.
What I did however was speak honestly and from the heart. I talked about what bothered me and while I didn't name drop, everything I wrote then was real and raw. That site is now closed.
A year ago, I decided to move homes and thus began CafeKel, my home where no longer was I struggling with fear of what the future was going to hold, but instead I decided to publicly 'find' myself. Accepting the past for what is was and deciding to go forward and change the things about me I didn't like and improve the things about me that I did like.
I started reading the 'big' name bloggers, I started looking at hit counts and visitors and I wanted comments. Seriously, how else am I supposed to improve me without outside input? All the things "Blogger Success" internet searches brought up became my mantra. Random erratic posting stopped. I ventured outside my comfort zone and began commenting. I put a face to my name and I told friends and family.
In the beginning, I still wrote what I thought, with more structure and more thought, but as more people found out what I did the more I wrote words that were not published. The more my statistics showed my neighbors visiting the more I ventured from 'raw' me into comical anticdotes my children provided. Don't get me wrong, everything I wrote was me, but sometimes it was a bland, diluted version of me.
Even with the less 'in your face' kind of posts, I managed to find my words thrown in my face from someone I had let get close and it hurt. Everything going forward became calculated and MY voice became muted where the things I said were merely actions in a play unfolding around me, until I found myself viewing the daily task of posting as merely an unrewarding chore. I questioned why I did this, who really cared if I did it or not and if perhaps, with life taking the turns it has, if my family wouldn't be better off if I stopped.
In the end....
I enjoy writing. I enjoy the friendships I've made. I look forward to the give and take, the difference of opinions and the amazing, unconditional human spirit I've seen unfold when 'one of us' is in need.
What I don't like is how much I've let myself be silenced for fear of how it would be used against me in the future. Fear - letting myself be dictated by it ... again. Fear - letting it take away the pleasure in the little things.
So....Something's gotta give. I'm making some changes and while I would never intentionally want to hurt someone, sensoring myself out of 'fear' is not where I want to go with this blog....its time to get back to my roots.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Not Me Monday
I am joining the ranks of all you wonderful people and playing along with Not Me Monday!
I DID NOT make a ginormous pot of Gumbo complete with chicken, sausage, shrimp & crab...yum yum!
I DID NOT run away for an hour at the laundr-o-mat (once again) because I have yet to buy a new washer and I DID NOT tell the hubs not to fix it, despite that being my excuse all week.
I DID NOT think something was horribly wrong with DQ when she decided to build a fort in the computer room and fell asleep in it in the middle of the day.
I DID NOT thank god and grace that Little Misses eye has cleared up.
I DID NOT do as little as possible this weekend when the hubs came home.
I DID NOT watch a James Bond movie marathon with the hubs, because I missed him and was willing to let him get away with it just because he was home and I totally DID NOT keep quiet when the hubs decided to paintball for a few hours the day after he finally came home.
Oh and I almost forgot... I DID NOT (would never do such a crazy thing) as write this post while relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath (dog and laptop in tow!)
What did YOU not do this weekend??
I DID NOT make a ginormous pot of Gumbo complete with chicken, sausage, shrimp & crab...yum yum!
I DID NOT run away for an hour at the laundr-o-mat (once again) because I have yet to buy a new washer and I DID NOT tell the hubs not to fix it, despite that being my excuse all week.
I DID NOT think something was horribly wrong with DQ when she decided to build a fort in the computer room and fell asleep in it in the middle of the day.
I DID NOT thank god and grace that Little Misses eye has cleared up.
I DID NOT do as little as possible this weekend when the hubs came home.
I DID NOT watch a James Bond movie marathon with the hubs, because I missed him and was willing to let him get away with it just because he was home and I totally DID NOT keep quiet when the hubs decided to paintball for a few hours the day after he finally came home.
Oh and I almost forgot... I DID NOT (would never do such a crazy thing) as write this post while relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath (dog and laptop in tow!)
What did YOU not do this weekend??
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thank Goodness...
TGIF!
I sit here and start and stop paragraph over paragraph. I notice I have not posted since Monday...my Not Me Monday...and think about how it seems like an eternity since this week started.
Yes, this has been a week from hell. Thoughts are swirling in my head, but only one keeps coming to the forefront. My daughter - the very being that I believe saved me from myself and yet, my need to talk about it all, to get the confirmation that I am not alone or even to get some much needed advice to tell me that they have been there and in the end, it works out...I cannot put it here. To put it here would be to publicly display my fears, my hurt, my wants and my wishes. To put it here would provide all sorts of ammunition to be used against me or to prepare a defense towards ... neither of which I am willing to do.
I am not alone in this battle that wages behind the scenes and consumes part of my brain and a large portion of my heart. I am not alone and the other party...well, they lurk from time to time and until this is over I will not play games with what needs to be done. I will not speak my mind, because I know they will twist my words and not understand the gravity of their actions. I will not share my fears because they will just prey upon those weaknesses.
Instead I will say...I am not gone, I am still reading and commenting as much as my soul will allow and above all else, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend - I know you all deserve it!
I sit here and start and stop paragraph over paragraph. I notice I have not posted since Monday...my Not Me Monday...and think about how it seems like an eternity since this week started.
- I am not at a lack for words, there was the moment I had a vision of clarity and for that brief instant could revel in all the joy that are my girls without being a parent and just be.
- There were the day(s) I just put my head in my hands at work and took a deep sigh at the audacity, opinions, nerve, idiocy of some people.
- There was the OMG-I'm going to be sick to my stomach because tomorrow is the first step in the process I tried to avoid.
- There was the - holy crap my baby has pink eye and the Dr. won't fit her in his schedule.
- There was the moment I realized I am teetering on the edge with a little girl who is smart enough to know better, who needs answers to the questions I am trying so hard at protecting her from...those moments when I wish there was a blueprint for parenting on how to handle the tough questions.
Yes, this has been a week from hell. Thoughts are swirling in my head, but only one keeps coming to the forefront. My daughter - the very being that I believe saved me from myself and yet, my need to talk about it all, to get the confirmation that I am not alone or even to get some much needed advice to tell me that they have been there and in the end, it works out...I cannot put it here. To put it here would be to publicly display my fears, my hurt, my wants and my wishes. To put it here would provide all sorts of ammunition to be used against me or to prepare a defense towards ... neither of which I am willing to do.
I am not alone in this battle that wages behind the scenes and consumes part of my brain and a large portion of my heart. I am not alone and the other party...well, they lurk from time to time and until this is over I will not play games with what needs to be done. I will not speak my mind, because I know they will twist my words and not understand the gravity of their actions. I will not share my fears because they will just prey upon those weaknesses.
Instead I will say...I am not gone, I am still reading and commenting as much as my soul will allow and above all else, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend - I know you all deserve it!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Not Me Monday
Things I didn't do this weekend include....
1. I DID NOT totally waste all my weight watcher points on pizza and budlight when we decided to spend a few hours sans kids for the hubs soccer team.
2. I DID NOT feel my heart swell when the hubs left me a beautiful flower bouquet and card, the morning he ran away for spring break with Jr.
3. I totally DID NOT find myself jealous the hubs got to leave and spend spring break camping.
4. I DID NOT enjoy the few hours I got to spend with DQ at the RiverKings Hockey game and they totally DID NOT Win!!
5. I DID NOT curse loudly when the washing machine decided to crap out 5 minutes after filling up with water and dirty laundry.
6. I DID NOT load my pj clad children, dirty laundry and sippy cups into the car for a redneck morning of Laundromat clothes washing.
7. I DID NOT laugh out loud when DQ told me it smelled like 'poop' in the car only to realize she had stepped in it. I responded with "you have dog 'sh*t on your shoe' and her immediate reply was "well mom, I didn't know there was dog sh*t there when I stepped there."
8. I DID NOT make my children and all my pets play outside for the two hours I spent mowing the yard, weed killing and fertilizing the grass.
9. I DID NOT feed my family microwave dinners because we were tired.
10. I most definitely DID NOT finish my 6000 word final paper, close the computer and jump for joy!
What did you NOT DO this weekend?
1. I DID NOT totally waste all my weight watcher points on pizza and budlight when we decided to spend a few hours sans kids for the hubs soccer team.
2. I DID NOT feel my heart swell when the hubs left me a beautiful flower bouquet and card, the morning he ran away for spring break with Jr.
3. I totally DID NOT find myself jealous the hubs got to leave and spend spring break camping.
4. I DID NOT enjoy the few hours I got to spend with DQ at the RiverKings Hockey game and they totally DID NOT Win!!
5. I DID NOT curse loudly when the washing machine decided to crap out 5 minutes after filling up with water and dirty laundry.
6. I DID NOT load my pj clad children, dirty laundry and sippy cups into the car for a redneck morning of Laundromat clothes washing.
7. I DID NOT laugh out loud when DQ told me it smelled like 'poop' in the car only to realize she had stepped in it. I responded with "you have dog 'sh*t on your shoe' and her immediate reply was "well mom, I didn't know there was dog sh*t there when I stepped there."
8. I DID NOT make my children and all my pets play outside for the two hours I spent mowing the yard, weed killing and fertilizing the grass.
9. I DID NOT feed my family microwave dinners because we were tired.
10. I most definitely DID NOT finish my 6000 word final paper, close the computer and jump for joy!
What did you NOT DO this weekend?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Superhero or Superneurotic
Consumed? Involved? Obsessed?
Any one of these words comes to mind when I think about my life these days. This is almost the end of another week and yet I feel like I am running at breakneck speed without a destination mainly because I feel I am chasing after something I don't really believe I will ever catch.
Not only is it simply another week in my ever.so.chaotic.world, but it is DQ's spring break. One that I am secretly harboring massive guilt because I go to work and she goes to camp and we come home and get ready to do it again tomorrow.
Oh I know, she's at camp and she loves it, I have to work to pay for camp and honestly...I NEVER did that sort of thing growing up. My spring breaks were spent roaming the neighborhood on my bike with the other neighbor kids looking for ways to entertain ourselves (can you say bike races or waterballoon fights?!) I want to give her more than what I had, but I also know that I already am giving her more than I had at her age and yet...I feel like I am barely keeping up.
Simply put, I'm maintaining. Life as I know it is fast paced and cram packed. Always something to do, always something to see, always someone needing to find a lost shoe or wanting to have a conversation about...well, about nothing but the thoughts in their mind. Me - I want to be supermom, superwife, superhuman and get it all done with a smile on my face and my makeup in tact...instead my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I'm breathing so hard I think I might pass out! (quick pass the paper bag)
Not that long ago (yes, I wish I could forget) I said I wanted a change and something was going to give. Well, I got my change - full speed ahead and now I cross my finger and hope I remembered to wear my depends, because when this thing stops...I think I may sh*t myself.
Do you ever feel like you can't keep up?
Any one of these words comes to mind when I think about my life these days. This is almost the end of another week and yet I feel like I am running at breakneck speed without a destination mainly because I feel I am chasing after something I don't really believe I will ever catch.
Not only is it simply another week in my ever.so.chaotic.world, but it is DQ's spring break. One that I am secretly harboring massive guilt because I go to work and she goes to camp and we come home and get ready to do it again tomorrow.
Oh I know, she's at camp and she loves it, I have to work to pay for camp and honestly...I NEVER did that sort of thing growing up. My spring breaks were spent roaming the neighborhood on my bike with the other neighbor kids looking for ways to entertain ourselves (can you say bike races or waterballoon fights?!) I want to give her more than what I had, but I also know that I already am giving her more than I had at her age and yet...I feel like I am barely keeping up.
Simply put, I'm maintaining. Life as I know it is fast paced and cram packed. Always something to do, always something to see, always someone needing to find a lost shoe or wanting to have a conversation about...well, about nothing but the thoughts in their mind. Me - I want to be supermom, superwife, superhuman and get it all done with a smile on my face and my makeup in tact...instead my hair looks like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I'm breathing so hard I think I might pass out! (quick pass the paper bag)
Not that long ago (yes, I wish I could forget) I said I wanted a change and something was going to give. Well, I got my change - full speed ahead and now I cross my finger and hope I remembered to wear my depends, because when this thing stops...I think I may sh*t myself.
Do you ever feel like you can't keep up?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Wednesday Already?
Oh my GAWD ya'll...it's Wednesday and I feel like I'm stuck in Monday! This spring break week is flyin' by, moving at the speed of light it seems and I, on the other hand am stuck in my 1970's beat up clunker, just chugging along.
Anybody have a rocket ship I can borrow to get me back to the present tense???
Anybody have a rocket ship I can borrow to get me back to the present tense???
Sorry for the short post...way behind the power curve today, but promise to write a real post soon....
Hope your week is going better!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Happy St. Patty's Day
Today is the day fer the wearin' o' the green.Today is the day when the little people are seen.Today is St. Patrick's Day, so if ye'r Irish me lad,Join the celebratin' fer the grandest time ta' be had.
Ya' put yer hand up in the air, the other hand on your hip.Ya' tap yer toe, ya' tap yer heel, ya' bounce yer knee a wee bit.Ya' prance 'n dance around the room, n' circle one two three.The saints be praised, I must admit, ya' all look Irish ta' me.
****Enjoy the day (Irish or not) and I hope you all find your pot o'gold!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Not Me Monday
Last week I decided to pull a page from A Thorn Among Roses and play along with her weekly, Not Me Mondays, she posted a little comment about how they are addicting and I thought, "yeah right" but here I am starring Monday in the face..... and posting about what I DIDN'T DO.
1. I DID NOT put down the computer and completely stay away for over 24 hrs.
2. I DID NOT have kids run wild in my house each night of the weekend (yes, more than my own)
3. I DID NOT clean my house like a mad woman because I was having company over for dinner, complaining all the while to the hubs about how much I really didn't want company over because that ment psycho house cleaning. hehe
4. I totally DID NOT cook up a feast complete with homemade tortillas, fajitas, homemade salsa & guacamole AND a cheesecake for dessert.
5. I DID NOT laugh so hard at my friends when we played the game Seven Deadly Sins that I almost pee'd my pants.
6. I DID NOT drink absinthe for the very first time.
7. I DID NOT catch the infectious smile from the hubs when he finally brought home his new toy.
8. I DID NOT spend part of my giving thanks for the many blessings my family has, while praying for strength for those around me who are in need.
9. I DID NOT find myself hugging my girls ever time they walked by or kissing them on the forehead, enjoying the smell of their hair or the laughter that bubbled out of them when they
couldn't escape my arms.
10. I DID NOT spend a few quality me hours getting my toes painted a bright, cheery shade of pink (complete with design) in hopes that spring will soon show her face.
What did YOU not do this weekend?
1. I DID NOT put down the computer and completely stay away for over 24 hrs.
2. I DID NOT have kids run wild in my house each night of the weekend (yes, more than my own)
3. I DID NOT clean my house like a mad woman because I was having company over for dinner, complaining all the while to the hubs about how much I really didn't want company over because that ment psycho house cleaning. hehe
4. I totally DID NOT cook up a feast complete with homemade tortillas, fajitas, homemade salsa & guacamole AND a cheesecake for dessert.
5. I DID NOT laugh so hard at my friends when we played the game Seven Deadly Sins that I almost pee'd my pants.
6. I DID NOT drink absinthe for the very first time.
7. I DID NOT catch the infectious smile from the hubs when he finally brought home his new toy.
8. I DID NOT spend part of my giving thanks for the many blessings my family has, while praying for strength for those around me who are in need.
9. I DID NOT find myself hugging my girls ever time they walked by or kissing them on the forehead, enjoying the smell of their hair or the laughter that bubbled out of them when they
couldn't escape my arms.10. I DID NOT spend a few quality me hours getting my toes painted a bright, cheery shade of pink (complete with design) in hopes that spring will soon show her face.
What did YOU not do this weekend?
Friday, March 13, 2009
As I stood in the kitchen, grumbling to myself and loading the dishwasher, the hubs walked through the doors and knew I was in one of those moods.
Even as he stormed into the kitchen, demanding a hug...I stood there going thru the motions, he nuzzled my neck and said "You smell cranky" - I did not laugh, giggle or even crack a smile...he knew it was going to be one of those days.
Silently he went about helping me, knowing full well when I was ready I would let my anger go. Instead of going off to do the things he needed to do...he chose to spare the kids a meal of mac n cheese and made them real food instead.
As I talked, found the words to help release my frustration...he chilled a bottle of wine and did not say a word...just listened. And when I was finished, he poured me a glass, set dinner on the table and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
By glass #2, I was feeling better and life was back on track...but in the end all I could think was Thank Goodness today is FRIDAY!!!
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Even as he stormed into the kitchen, demanding a hug...I stood there going thru the motions, he nuzzled my neck and said "You smell cranky" - I did not laugh, giggle or even crack a smile...he knew it was going to be one of those days.
Silently he went about helping me, knowing full well when I was ready I would let my anger go. Instead of going off to do the things he needed to do...he chose to spare the kids a meal of mac n cheese and made them real food instead.
As I talked, found the words to help release my frustration...he chilled a bottle of wine and did not say a word...just listened. And when I was finished, he poured me a glass, set dinner on the table and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
By glass #2, I was feeling better and life was back on track...but in the end all I could think was Thank Goodness today is FRIDAY!!!
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Mother Nature - UGH
Ok, so I'm on a rant today - YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!
Is it just me or has Mother Nature completely lost it? It is March, for goodness sake and here we are in the 'south' with freezing rain/sleet/possible snow?! Just 2 days ago we had temperatures in the upper 80's and today I'm at 32...what the hell??
Spring break is Next week, Spring, itself, is officially just around the corner (according to the calendar) and yet, I find myself adding extra layers of clothing just to make it to work without freezing my buns off.
SERIOUSLY - Mother Nature? I'm not enjoying this, I am looking forward to spring, flowers, green in my yard again and of course FLIP FLOPS! This little teasing game you play with a few days warm and sunny (convince me I should get my garden ready) and then you flood me with a freezing winter weather advisory...come on!
****End Rant****
Do any of you think the weather this year has been ODD or are you on track for your NORMAL seasonal change??
Is it just me or has Mother Nature completely lost it? It is March, for goodness sake and here we are in the 'south' with freezing rain/sleet/possible snow?! Just 2 days ago we had temperatures in the upper 80's and today I'm at 32...what the hell??
Spring break is Next week, Spring, itself, is officially just around the corner (according to the calendar) and yet, I find myself adding extra layers of clothing just to make it to work without freezing my buns off.
SERIOUSLY - Mother Nature? I'm not enjoying this, I am looking forward to spring, flowers, green in my yard again and of course FLIP FLOPS! This little teasing game you play with a few days warm and sunny (convince me I should get my garden ready) and then you flood me with a freezing winter weather advisory...come on!
****End Rant****
Do any of you think the weather this year has been ODD or are you on track for your NORMAL seasonal change??
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Wacky Wednesday
The idiocy of some people amaze me...the fact that it is everywhere and this is not just some random occurrence is even more entertaining.
1. The largely, overweight woman who cannot get into the pool without the assistance of the motorized chair that lowers her into the water so she can water walk - seriously, you must do this during the middle of swim lessons and refuse to let them take the chair OUT of the pool as to completely disrupt the kids?!
2. The crazy neighbor lady who thinks she has the right - seriously, you think you can walk up to me, while I'm spending time with my girls, and have the audacity to say Little Miss does not look a thing like me and insist I tell you who's child she REALLY is, despite the uncomfortable laugh I gave you the first time you said it?!
3. The guy who can't find his butt with both hands - seriously, when I ask you to VERIFY the 'attached' information and then tell you it is a discrepancy and ask you AGAIN to physically look at the items in question and you talk to me like I am a child and have lost my mind to question you - do not be surprised when I show up at your desk pen/paper in hand to do the job myself and prove to you that your stuff is WRONG!
4. To the smart guy who promptly responded to 'the boss man's' comment of "my butt hurts" after spending all day slaving away at his desk with "we know what part of the body HE thinks with" - yeah, not such a smart move.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Memphis
It seems almost like a lifetime since I've blogged and life is flying past at the speed of light. Ok, probably not quite that fast, but sometimes whole chunks of life seem to be gone in just the blink of an eye (but that is another post in itself.)
I want to introduce you to the newest member of my family....
Meet Memphis...
She is a 12 week old part rat terrerior and part fox terrerior. She is very much a puppy and has already chewed up a pair of my flip flops, my phone charger cable, and a few stuffed animals. 
To give you a rough guess of the actual size of this little girl, that is our cat (7yrs old) trying to ignore Memphis. As you can tell - we have a very large cat who has been around long enough to not care about being so overly excited when it comes to being outside.
And just because I try to always see the silver lining...here she is, believing she can do anything!
I want to introduce you to the newest member of my family....
Meet Memphis...
She is a 12 week old part rat terrerior and part fox terrerior. She is very much a puppy and has already chewed up a pair of my flip flops, my phone charger cable, and a few stuffed animals. 
To give you a rough guess of the actual size of this little girl, that is our cat (7yrs old) trying to ignore Memphis. As you can tell - we have a very large cat who has been around long enough to not care about being so overly excited when it comes to being outside.
And just because I try to always see the silver lining...here she is, believing she can do anything!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Not Me Monday
I thought I'd try a little something different today....
I've been reading A Thorn Among Roses for over a year now and she has a wonderful Monday Tradition that just makes me smile - It's called Not Me Monday and since I've been gone for what feels like forever...perhaps a little catching up is in order!
I DID NOT spend some much needed time outdoors with the girls just enjoying the warm air and sunshine.
I DID NOT leave the hubs to clean the house while I took DQ shopping for a new bathing suit.
I DID NOT have over 800 unread blogs in my reader and definitely did not hit 'mark all as read' (sorry too all my regular reads out there).
I DID NOT threaten to give away the newest member of my family after she chewed up my flip flops and phone charger. (yes, we got a puppy)
I DID NOT try out an amazing recipe for chipotle pork chops - that turned out delicious - and managed to pull it off all from memory!
I most definitely DID NOT dunk my late night dessert of oreo's in the jar of strawberry ice cream topping because I was craving strawberry's and chocolate.
AND....
I totally DID NOT enjoy every.single.solitary. minute of time spent with my family realizing just how blessed I am.
I've been reading A Thorn Among Roses for over a year now and she has a wonderful Monday Tradition that just makes me smile - It's called Not Me Monday and since I've been gone for what feels like forever...perhaps a little catching up is in order!
I DID NOT spend some much needed time outdoors with the girls just enjoying the warm air and sunshine.
I DID NOT leave the hubs to clean the house while I took DQ shopping for a new bathing suit.
I DID NOT have over 800 unread blogs in my reader and definitely did not hit 'mark all as read' (sorry too all my regular reads out there).
I DID NOT threaten to give away the newest member of my family after she chewed up my flip flops and phone charger. (yes, we got a puppy)
I DID NOT try out an amazing recipe for chipotle pork chops - that turned out delicious - and managed to pull it off all from memory!
I most definitely DID NOT dunk my late night dessert of oreo's in the jar of strawberry ice cream topping because I was craving strawberry's and chocolate.
AND....
I totally DID NOT enjoy every.single.solitary. minute of time spent with my family realizing just how blessed I am.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Quick Stop...
I wanted to say Thank you for all the prayers and good thoughts that have been sent to my family over the past week. The kindness has touched both our hearts and our spirits. Life and death, nothing new in our world and yet each one manages to shine a light on everything around us as if we had been in a fog before.
I am now back 'in the south' from the far reaches of south (yes, I know that sounds strange) and I am slowly making my way back into the blogosphere, so forgive me if I haven't stopped by yet...a few days disconnected from the world can seem like a lifetime.
Have a Great Hump-Day!!
I am now back 'in the south' from the far reaches of south (yes, I know that sounds strange) and I am slowly making my way back into the blogosphere, so forgive me if I haven't stopped by yet...a few days disconnected from the world can seem like a lifetime.
Have a Great Hump-Day!!
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